Green/Yellow/Red Flags 2/15/12

Body Image

Green: Thoughts about body image are fleeting and may come up and do not linger or effect my day or behavior.

Yellow: Trying on numerous outfits, hiding under large clothing. Letting thought ruminate about my body. Feeling a significant dislike for the way I look. Pondering or choosing safe foods or eating slightly less that I am supposed to.

Red: Constantly looking at my body thinking about it negatively. Comparing myself to others, weighing myself. Letting bad body image run my day and dictate what I do/don't eat or purge.

Food

Green: incorporating variety into my diet, being spontaneous with my food choices, not having any foods I avoid out of fear. Having flexibility on what I eat and when.

Yellow: Not being honest about my meal plan or what exactly I've missed if anything. Not being conscious about times I need to eat/pushing back eating. Sticking to safe foods. Looking at calories when choosing what I eat. Buying low-calorie or non-fat foods.

Red: Missing parts of meal or entire meals and snacks on a continuous basis. Not being honest about the part of my meal plan I've missed and or why. Not admitting to myself and or treatment team and other that my R/B/P is a sign of lapse or struggle. Not eating atleast every 3 hours.

Honesty

Green: vocal about my emotions and feeling them. Talking about my behviors or struggles I have. Confronting people with any issues or feeling I have about any interactions or events.

Yellow: Lying by ommission whether its in my eating, how I'm feeling or any behaviors that may have occurred.

Red: Lying to myself and other in relation to where I'm at and what I am struggling with. Holding my emotions in and saying that I am okay when I am not.

Work

Green: Being honest with myself and my ability to work. Being conscious of not overworking myself or not working because I am afraid of life.

Yellow: Ignoring my internal cues that I may be working too much. Feeling guilty a large percent of the time for not working while pursuing my recovery. Or ignoring work pursuits/preparation altogether.

Red: Not wanting to working because I want to use or use my ED or plunging myself into work too soon because guilt and shame feels overwhelming and too much in my mind.

School

Green: being proactive about my schools plans without future tripping or getting overwhelmed about potential hurdles. Pursuing what I am passionate about versus what I feel I need to do.

Yellow: Putting pressure on myself more often to go back to school. Thinking I am a bad person for not wanting or waiting to go back to school.

Red: Same as with work/ Taking on too much before I am ready. Going against advice from therapists/family/friends.

Relationships

Green: staying in contact with family and friends. Being vocal and honest with where I am at or feeling. Being upfront on what I can give to a relationship. Showing effort to make friends and not isolate. Putting up healthy boundaries without feeling guilt or shame.

Yellow: Making small efforts to find friends and/or maintain relationships. Flaking frequently (for no reason) on plans I have set with people. Not being vocal about my needs or feelings in relationships. Failing to talk to my parents for numerous days in a row. Shutting down frequently with Phil. Not being honest or in contact utilizing support network.

Red: Not communicating my needs, feelings and emotions for the majority of the time. Expecting those people I have relationships with to read my mind. Not getting out at all-isolating at home. Assuming I won't find any meaningful and caring relationships. Lying about my recovery to those I have relationships with.

2/5/12 Quotes I identified with from "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"

"Its a shame that we have to live, but its a tragedy that we only get to live one life"

Oskar's Mom: Shyness is when you turn your head away from something you want. Shame is when you turn your head away from something you do not want.

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

"How many hundreds of thousands of fingers brushing against each other does it take to make love?"

Thomas (dad): Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

Oskar:I can't remember which.

T- Do you know what those words mean?

O: Not really

T: An optimist is positive and hopeful. A pessimist is negative and cynical.

O: I'm an optimist.

T: Well, thats good, because theres no irrefutable evidence. There's nothing that could convince someone who doesn't want to be convinced. But there is an abundance of clues that would give the wanting believer something to hold on to.

This next quote gave me a flashback to my boyfriends overdose.

Oskar's Grandmother: "When your grandfather left me 40 years ago, I erased all of his writing. I washed the words from the mirrors and floors. I painted over the walls. I cleaned the shower curtains. I even refinished the floors. It took me as long as I had known him to get rid of all his words. Like turning an hour glass over."

This made me think what would I have done if he died? What would I have done? Reacted and how would I have dealt with it all?

Portlandia

2/5/12

I am feeling so much anxiety right now. Immediatly I think its surrounding dinner because I know throughout the day my friend (another client) hasn't eaten her whole meal plan and now going to dinner it makes me so uncomfortable to know an ED is going to be there right with me at the table. I dont think its going to affect my recovery. It is like sitting around one of my old ghosts and that scares me. My ED is gone and someone elses feel like it lingering over me. As I write my heart is beating fast, my throat and my chest are tight. I just wish I could run away from their ED too. It probably doesn;t help that I'm extremely fatigued from today and staying up far too late last night. I don't know if I should feel this way or if I am overreacting. I always question my feelings; doesnt feel to good. Right now, I also have an unread email from Jen on my phone. I am scared to read it. More so than usual because of the other day seeing her. I am scared because I don;t know what she wrote. Was it in response to what I said in my last email? Did she notice my change in behavior when she saw me? If she didn't, why not? Haley noticed and she's my friend. Jen's my old therapist. The harsh side of me would think that therapists should notice that easier. My unhealthy part of my braon tells me that if she didn't notice then that means she or any other therapist/person doesn't care either. I think that someone who cares about me should have noticed my behavior. My thinking is so warped.

Seeing old therapist

2/4/12

Preface: I hesitated on putting this entry in and I feel since I include a lot of other details there is no reason I shouldnt include this.

Seeing Jen was so unexpected. Once I heard someone in the kitchen announce "oh my god is that Jen? Jen!"- my heart sank, I pannicked. I have no idea what else I was feeling other than anxiety, fear, sadness and excitement. Initially the fear is what overpowered me. Right away, all of the sadness over having to leave her returned. Others around me were excited. I- I didnt know how I should have been feeling, my mind told me I should have been happy. I instantly darted back to the other room in the kitchen. I didn't need anything there but I had to escape to collect my thoughts, feelings, and to decide how I was going to act. I returned to the kitchen where everyone was- I felt awkward. I knew I was being standoff'ish. I didnt want to show joy over seeing her, i guess I wanted her to think I didn't care that she was there. Upon reflection, I definitley shut dpown and went back to my old patterns of being afraid and ashamed of my emotions. I pulled and pushed away the one person I really wanted to feel the exact opposite for. I guess I haven't changed my old ways of shutting out people I care about. I know I did the right thing once with her: I told her how much I cared for heer and how much I'd miss her and how important she was to me. Then, when I had the chance to do what I had learned- I crumbled. Maybe it was too soon to see her, or maybe I hadn't mourned the loss of her properly. Maybe, as I said I just thought I was more over it than I thought because I kept her out of sight-out of mind. I wonder more whether I'm supposed to, or if I have to ever forget her completely. Whatever the case I know I see I have more work to do surrounding her loss... Not just because I need to deal with this one situation, so that in the future when I loose someone again I can deal with it in a healthier way. I shouldn't always assume I'll never see the people I loose again because I never know what the future will bring. Perhaps dealing with the loss in such a way that helps me mourn the loss and at the same time be prepared or know how to deal with them if I see them again. Knowing how to handle the situation if I do see them again- knowing how to handle this type of situation in the future is imperative for my state of mind. I say this because last night I hurt so much- I was crushed. All the feeling come rushing back-the feelings surrounding my departure from her. That day- the feelings all rushed back stronger and stronger, almost as if It was happening all over. I know I'll never want to feel a double loss on the same person, no matter who it is.

Is that unrealistic to not want to get hurt by the same person twice? As i write this I am immediatly reminded of the fact that my last therapist: holly- I felt hurt aka I had to loose her twice. I am not sure if that is why this hurts so much. If nothing less, I don't think that the fact that I've been hurt by Holly and my Ex Shane, and now Jen twice.

My natural tendency in the past few years is to find someone (friend/bf/therapist) that is least likely to hurt me. That's probably not aiding in my attachment issues, its probably a loop hole I've found to lower teh chances of getting hurt. I know getting hurt and loosing smeone is inevitable and I still thinking I am trying to manipulate the amount of loss I experience.

So what do I need to do now? How do I face my feelings? Do I work on mourning? DDo I feel the feelings of sadness and fear? Was my reaction normal? It didn't (seeing Jen) effect my recovery or make me want to do anything negative/unhealthy to myself, it just made me feel horrible. I know deep down those feelings are normal, and I am sure I could have acted differently I know I wanted to act differently. I wanted to embrace the fact that she was there, to be happy and be able to show it. I couldn't. I was unable to do the one thing I wanted to deep down-in my heart. That probably- scratch that: definitly attributed to the sadness. The sadness did not just result from seeing her and feeling all those feeling of attachment; care, admiration and connection, it resulted also from seeing my inability to control the way I wanted to feel. Not in the negative way of pushing down the emotions , in the fact that I was unable to show my true emotion surrounding my real feelings. Immediatly I feel scared, I feel less succesful or capable. I thought I was getting better in touch with my emotions. I thought that I had handled the loss of her rather well. Not great. To know I still, or that there are situations that may arise where I can't or fail to show what I am feeling on the insude scares me. Instantly, I wonder if I have a false sense in how I am doing recovery wise. Oh god, I can see myself punishing myself for the failure in this one incidence. It's just one time. Yes, I have some work to do, and just because I slipped up in this one area doesn't mean I have a false sense of success. Dealing with loss, is one of my biggest issues I need to work on.

I've decided that it was totally okay to feel the way I did last night. Yes, it hurt to my core, and now I have so much more information to see where I need to put in some extra work.

::::throat tightened, chest felt crushed and tightened, felt nauseous, felt sadness and fear.

Thank you jen, for teaching me something more, making me aware of what I still need to work on. You did it unconsciously. You taught me so much without even knowing you did, you didn't have to say a word. So thank you for coming last night and most of all for helping me to reign in the ability to come to these conclusions on my own. No sessions, no words- by myself. :)

Healthy Lifestyle Project 2/3/12

Take flight or loose sight

things used to be black or white.

White was right black was bad,

thinking that way took away everything I had.

Life now exists in all colors of the rainbow.

There's blues, violets, yellows-from what I know.

I no longer feel like a lover scorned.

In a way I feel entirely reborn.

New to this life-no daily strife.

Smells, sights lights are new

cropping up like the morning dew.

I'm looking- eyes wide open to my future ahead.

I no longer see the world and want to be dead.

I made, I laid, I paved my path ahead.

You won't find me hovering over the cliff's ledge.

Instead, Instead I look out on my life-

kick away the dagger, throw away the knife.

My grip of fear is no longer that tight.

I'm now entranced; I dance with my inner light-

try-try-try as I might

the ony way to live my life is to:

close my eyes, take a big sigh

... I'll fly

The day of the horrible no-good very bad day (envisioning a day I have a lapse)

2/3/12

:::Imagining::: what I may feel on a day I lapse

Today I feel overwhelmed by things I feel I should be better at, whether its guilt about not working, overwhelmed with the process of enrolling in school. I am feeling alon whether its physical or emotional. And then the urge comes and I am too beaten down by my emotions that I give in and avoid eating or I binge/purge or purge after eating. With purging, as soon as the act is over I feel I've cheated, I question my strength, dedication and overrall capability to recover. I can see it taking over and leading me to believe my recovery is all over. The act of purging or b/p is so shameful that even if I weren't in recovery its hard to admit to others. Unfortunately, sometimes I have the ability to convince myself nothing ever happened. I know if I am not honest with myself and other the guilt will build up inside, perhaps making that much harder to do the next right thing. So, if I do slip-up I can maintain my recovery by being honest, telling myself and other what I did. I even said myself after my pass home that I would have seen more success in my pass If I had struggled then did the next best thing rather than doing everything perfectly. I felt this because overcoming something and having the strength and honest to get back on track takes far more strenth then doing the same right thing all the time.

Further, I would like to say that perhaps the closest line of perfection would lie in absolute imperfection. Having a struggle; something that challenges you and overcoming it. The stregth it takes to that is admirable and shows an astounding amount of dedication. The failure in my recovery happens when I fail to be honest with myself when I am afraid of the shame. I have a lot to work on in the Shame Department. I am the only one in this situation that is creating the shame around the lapse, thus I have the power to take it away. Recovery is about learning emotions, learning myself and more,learning the ability to conquer struggles while maintaining honest. The biggest lessons learned will be rooted in my moments of struggle not success.

Update: 2/22/12 I love re-reading and writing these journal entries at a later time. the time in which I am re-writing this one is valuable because right now I am struggling and looking at this, seeing and hearing my healthy voice, knowing I can be there... It gives me amazing motivation and inspiration, all from within myself :) i love you healthy micaela !

Why Celebrate My Successesi

2/1/12

My healthy self knows that it is imperative that I learn, practice celebrating and postively acknowledge the hard work I have done. Interestingly that is what I am seeking in accomplishing things, that feeling of knowing i've done a good job in something. I have denied myself of this for so long. I believe that the fact that I never let myself feel proud for things I have done has in turn directly influenced the creation of a never ending & unattainable goals. I have the tendency of reaching a goal and then not celebrating it. I do this because I unconsciously believe that I still need to get better and that my goal is never enough. I realize that I need to celebrate my accomplishments to have goals that are attainable, that I can see or verbalize. All in an effort to prevent my goals from being unattainable.

To help with this I should:

1. (weekly or so) write down goals, NOT "to-do lists", of things I was to acheive that week and then if I succeed-journal about it and share in group to practice celebration.

2. It is also important for me to recognize that by celebrating my achievement it may make me feel good about myself. It's already a widespread fact that I am beyond insecure. Perhaps, taking the time to allow myself to feel pride about my accomplishments will without a doubt make me feel better about myself- versus having ever increasing goals and standards for myself. I know I will always want to try to find a way I can do something better. That line of thinking often makes me feel like a failure; which of course adversely effects my self-esteem.

A. I can work towards feel better by following step 1 and in my sharing with a group or therapist (or aloud to myself) postively affirm my goals and how it makes me feel as a person when i do complete them.

B. Also, talking to my innerself and thanking myself: mind & body for achieving the goals I set out to complete (in the same way I would with a friend).

I lastly want to work on celebrating my successes because:

• I believe that if I take the time to enjoy and revel in my accomplishments then perhaps I won't be dwelling on my fears of relapse as much. Right now the fear of a "lapse" is potentially at a point where I am anticipating a mess-up so much. a) because I dont believe I'm good enough or smart enough to have a perfect recovery b) People rarely have perfect-no, perfect recovery doesn't exist. c) This was so hard the last time in treatment, I cannot be so naive as to believe that it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
• I believe that by celebrating my progress (or even acknowledging it) I am in a sense diverting my attention to the positive aspects of recovery and not just sitting around waiting for the horrible part to come. Further, by focusing more on what I'm accomplishing, I believe a lot of the power and fear surrounding a lapse will decrease. The best way to carry this out is by:

1. Being cognizant of when I am getting fearful of failing. Then, when I'm realizing I am being to anticipatory about potential downfalls in my recovery; pull out my journal and either look at my most recent accomplishments and say them aloud, call my parents to talk to them about what I have done or write out an affirmation of my accomplishment and put it on my wall as a reminder of what i've achieved.

I am aware that when I'm down, or feeling not good enough because I dont think I'm accomplishing anything. Or even, if I feel crippled by a potential impending lapse I will have some visual proof of all I have done and way to reiterate how well I am doing. Therefore, allowing myself to feel good instead of beating myself up is one of the keys to my recovery.

Why Progress Doesn't Mean I am Less Important

1/31/12

I am fully cognitively aware that there is no logical connection between doing well and needing less attention. In fact, I know generally that when I do well in work or school etc.. I get attention via praise. I have a hard time feeling the same way about treatment where the philosophy seems to be that we come in sick and the point is to get better and then leave. In school; for example if you do poorly you are more apt to leave or quit versus doing well- you continue on in your studies.

Another fear that makes me or translates into me not wanting to talk about my successes is that:

• I have a really hard time saying and acknowledging or celebrating my successes and accomplishments in life. So, due to that issue I may be tricking myself into thinking that none of my triumphs are good enough to talk about or acknowledge.
• I am afraid I will come across as bragging and that people will get sick of hearing how well I am doing. A big part of my issues surround the fact that I care so much about what people think of me (insecure).
• I'm also afraid if I start talking about successes all the time (black and white thinking) that I won't be able to stop and people will become annoyed with me. In turn I will be taking away valuable time from those who are struggling and really need extra time in group to talk.

In essence, I feel that in sharing things I'm doing well and my progress in turn I will be robbing other of their time. In a way that I need to earn my time to talk by being super emotional or extremely upset about something or struggling. This is so confusin because this belief I have makes so much sense in some aspects and no sense in others.

Unfortunately this idea that my issues, my problems and my stuff is less importan t than others does not reside just in treatment. It shows up in so many aspects of my life which is why this core belief is something I really need to work on changing.

I know deep down that there is some middle ground where I can cherish and celebrate and share my successes with others. And, at the same time get my needs met by feeling I can share my successes with others. I also need to; within myself, practice celebrating my successes. I don't know how to do that. My tendency is to find reasons and ways I could have done it better. To think if I celebrate it I am being ignorant and settling for less. Further, that if I celebrate a certain level of success that I'll be stuck on that level of achievement because my brain makes this connection that if I acknowledge a certain level of progress it means that level is enough or okay. That the level i celebrate will be the highest I can go and thus I will never achieve anything beyond that point... Its exhausting-never reaching goals, never doing enough and therefore never good enough in anything. I really need peer feedback on how I can acknowledge my accomplishments, so that when they do occur I can enjoy them and at the same time not feeling stuck and having fluidity in my goals and dreams.

ABCD Chart

Action

Making comment to client that she has been going out with people a lot of the nights here and that it would be fair to let someone else have the chance to get out.

Belief

1. I am a mean insensitive bitch who never thinks about what I say before saying it.
2. People don't connect with me or don't want to because eventually I say something mean or venemous to hurt the person.
3. I am a selfish person who is manipulative and only care about my feelings and I shouldn't make friends because im ingenuine and going to hurt everyone

Consequences

• Emotional: Feel like I was a mean person, insecure, scared, out of control, self-conscious, nervous, increased heart rate, wanted to isolate and push away. I felt I didn't deserve hanging out with the girls.
• Behavioral: Talked to peers to see if I was being insensitive, avoided seeing the client and talking to her. Clung on to other peers I felt safe with as a way to validate to myself that I am not unwanted.

Disengaging Beliefs

• Client could have been upset with more than just want I said. If there room in the car then it is okay for me to go. This situation is temporary and will blow over. I know I am not always insensitive. I know I'm not always insensitive, I know I am caring. I shouldn't waste energy being upset based on assumptions especially without talking to the client myself.

Self Advocacy

1/30/12 10:30pm

Making it a point to make sure my needs are met or at-least vocalized in group has become an increasing problem for me lately. I really did not see this issue growing on my radar. A lot of this forgotten issue (from the past) rooted itself in me the last couple of years unconsciously. I experience such a paradox with thinking I am important enough because when I am struggling I have so much shame (self-created) surrounding my struggles that I sometimes can't vocalize them because I'm afraid of immense judgment and dissipointment (I am not struggling with any behaviors right now that I am ommitting its more of core issues) from peers, staff, family and friends. Yet, on the other end of the spectrum when I am doing well- I make this automatic connection that no one wants to hear from me if I am doing well and that if I am doign well I should not need group and I'm assumed to have the proper tools to process and deal with all my problems alone.

Additionally, I feel selfish for taking up group time especially when there is someone who is struggling and clearly needs attention and care. I see this message enforced all over daily life. Example:

-People at the ER who have chest pains or gun shot wounds have priority and are see 1st before someone who has a less serious problem like a cut, or dehydration.

- In schools, teachers give more and extra attention to the kids who may be struggling and need extra help. It would be rude or unheard of for a teacher to put 1st the child who was excelling over the student struggling.

Here, I get that we all have ED's and we share that equally I just am having a hard time convincing myself that therapists and staff will take as much time and consideration to talk to me about doing this well and my progress versus a client that is having a difficult time. Therapists and staff can easily say that everyone is just as important and deserving as another, and to be blunt and lack of a better phrase: "Actions speak louder than words." They're actions do nothing but show me that there is a clear hierarchy in priority of patients and the level of care and observation towards them.

Prove me wrong, please!

And not just once because thats easy and I don't just want to be proven wrong. If therapists and staff say we are all just as important I want to see evidence on a continual basis, a pattern, that really demonstrates that they're words, promises and considerations are much more; they are real, trusted and proven.

Another issue is that when I hold back and fail to celebrate my accomplishment, they cease to become something to celebrate. I often feel I'm getting this unspoken message that whatever I accomplish isn't enough, and that there is always something more I can do to stand out and in return feel genuinely cared for. As I'm writing all this I keep seeing so many of my core issues pop-up surrounding one small action: talking in group and making space for myself.

The 2 Core Issues are:

1. Feeling like I have to be sick to get any kind of attention. And that people will take time to make sure I am okay and thus I won't be forgotten about (in group) in life.
2. Feeling like if people aren't asking me how I am, when they don't yet the continue to express outward concern to hear from others I think that they (staff) do not care about me. Further, I must care for myself entirely. Thus, there is no room for weakness and emotions. My emotions feel sometimes overwhelming as it is and that feels like a lot to carry. If I am going to be caring for myself alone, and find no space in groups to talk I fear a lot of emotions will come up that feel extreme or unsafe.

I can reasonably counter both beliefs logically in my head, it sjust the the former are my default pattern of thinking and I don't feel I am at the point yet where the following is my default thinking. Just for practice and to begin the engraining process--here it goes:

1. I have heard from clients as well as staff that they want to and enjoy hearing how I am doing. So, it is my job to take the initiative to make sure I speak up about my accomplishments and progress to get my needs met. Also, when people around me are struggling perhaps the attention they are getting is not the attention I want to seek. Not in the sense that its bad but in the way that staff are listening, worried and concerned with those who are struggling. Versus, if I have something to celebrate or want to be proud of- I get a different kind of attention in that people are happy excited and hopeful for me and my recovery process.
2. It is my job to ask for what I need to get my needs met and to feel cared about. Just because staff or clients aren't asking me whats going on in the same manner or volume that they are with others doesn't mean they care for me any less. They just are not mind readers. Perhaps when someone is doing poorly its just easier to see visually via body language. As a person doing well in my recovery I suppose I have to take care the all the care once given to me and take on some of it myself. I can do that by asking others for support and feedback. And if they can meet those needs I vocalize and they are willing and capable of meeeting them, then that act alone of willingness to at least attempt to meet my needs is a direct sign that I am cared for. I need to remember the fact of the matter is that Yes, there are going to be points where I am all alone and I am going to have to be able to have the tools to practice self care, most likely I will always have a support network of family and friends that will be willing and capable of meeting my needs... As long as I vocalize them. My support network can meet me halfway: I vocalize my needs + my support system responds with support. And that is the clearest illustration that I am cared for.

Quotes

I am reading this book right now called "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer and the following quotes are things that really resonated with me and my journey towards recovery.

(main character Oskar is talking to and old man who lives in the apartment above him. The old man has a collection of people from history who are significant and has a card for each with one word to describe them)

Mr. Black (older man): "What makes you think it is good to be in here?"

Oskar: "Because it means you're biographically significant""

Mr. Black: " 9 out of 10 significant people in the world have to do with money or war"

This really resonated with me because one of my fears is that I will be forgotten and I am scared that when I die people will forget about me, thus feeling like my life is unsignificant. This quote gives me a lot of perspective.

(In this next quote Oskar is having a conversation with his dad about how he wants to be remembered in life and after)

Oskar: "Im talking about the problem of how insignificant we are"

Dad: "Well what would happen if a plane dropped you in the middle of the Sahara desert and you picked up a single grain of sand with a pair of tweezers and moved it 1 millimeter-- What would that mean?"

Oskar: "That I moved a grain of sand?"

Dad: "which would mena you changed the Sahara desert."

Oskar: "So?...."

Dad: "So! The Sahara is a vast desert and it has existed for a million years-And you changed it"

Oskar: "Which means?"

Dad: "If you hadn't done it, human history would've been one way"

Oskar: "I changed the course of human history!!"

This, like the 1st quote was one that made me feel that when I am worrying about being so insignificant in the grand scheme of things there are little ways that I could change the course of human history :)

Soul Part 2 "Ecosoulsystem"

1/28/12

Its strange although perfect to be getting this assignment right now. A month (or so) ago I wrote about my soul. Even though at that time I wasn't where I am now; recovery wise I still believed that whats inside of me is my soul and that has remained relatively the same. That fact assures me that I do have a real idea of what my soul is. It never goes away even when I am sick.

Woah... Even as I pick through words to choose to describe such an intangible, unworldly thing like the soul is I feel I am failing to pick the adequate term. But strong, resiliant and wise seems to fit as well as a linguistic term can against something as complex as a soul. I feel I have been through so-so much. It's hard for me still to talk positively of myself. I have to say with what I've been through and where I am now there is no way my soul is anything but strong, resiliant and wise. I would like to think everyone has a vastly different soul, even if the words to describe them are the same. I am not sure that many people could walk in my shoes and still be:

A. Alive

B. Be in Recovery

C. Be optimistic about the future.

Perhaps, I'm underestimating others. I feel lucky to have this inner strength to come back from all I have lived for the past 7 years.

My soul is also sensitive and caring. I am not the only one who knows that this part of my soul is the part I'm most scared of. My soul is in-tune with the emotions and energy from the people I am surrounded by. In turn, I'm so easily affected by others and their actions whether negative or positive (I'll call this being sensitive). To my detriment sometimes I care too much-the wrong kind of caring. I know I'm a caring person and at the same time I confuse the caring for myself and other into caring about what other people think in an effort to care for myself. That mistake in a large way cost me the last 7 years of my life. I believe a large part in making this mistake occurred when I realized or though that my soul wasn't aligned; that there was no way I could at the same time be strong and resilient and wise along with my caring & sensitive side. I feel that perhaps when I realized and saw my soul--myself as having 2 inner conflicting selves that in order to be a productive human being (whatever that means), I would have to choose 1 or the other. The idea seemed unfathomable and almost unimaginable that I, Micaela could be both strong, sensitive, wise and caring. I'm slowly starting to realize that to be successful I need to incorporate all components of myself and none should be ignored. None are incompatible with another. They all work together no matter the vast differences they have between each other. What's more, it is those differences that fit together and create/result in the best me possible. It is no wonder I have been lost, wandered off the beaten path, my path, my destiny for so long. If I deny my strong side the feelings may overtake me. If I ignore my caring side, I'll be living a very lonely life. I need to be sensitive to my needs and other's feelings not only to be caring but resilient when I fall down. If I am not in touch with what I need I won't be able to pick myself back up. Being strong necessitates being in touch with my emotions. If, I am bottling them up all the time-- I am in fact not strong, I'm the complete opposite: I'm, fragile; at any point one incident, one word, one feeling could send me over the edge-- I could shatter. In a cyclical, symbiotic way each part of my soul: strong, resilient, sensitive, and caring, all depend on the other parts of my soul to ensure their life. If one goes it effects the rest like dominoes and my entire soul comes tumbling down. My soul is like a balanced ecosystem: each facet grows naturally and to ensure my soul shines within me and outward I have to accept all that's inside me. I can't pick out parts that seem incongruent and everything that's inside is meant to be just as it is. Strong, resilient, sensitive, and caring- that is my ecosoulsystem :)

What My Food Struggles Will Look Like at Home

1/28/12

At home my food struggles will appear most when I am dealing with stressors like thinking about school, getting a job, and dealing with finances.

Those are the things that may trigger me the most. It will also be harder for me when I am at home alone with all my food and all my thoughts. This is because when I am alone a lot more of my thoughts become louder and harder to ignore because there are less distractions. Even writing and thinking about all this makes me super nervous. I can feel it in my stomach. I'm hoping that nervousness is normal and that its merely an indicator that I care about my recovery. Ugh.

Food struggles will mostly crop up when I'm alone in myself and have nothing to take my mind elsewhere. Thus, the biggest tool in remaining in recovery will bve to be able to entertain my mind and myself when I'm alone. All in an effort to stay out of my negative thoughts; which have the tendency and capability to turn me to m,y ED when I feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed in my mind.

The scary things about having struggles at home will be that I am going to be so scared to let myself and other people down after doing so well in the past month. I don't wan't to let people down. So, if something does happen I'm afraid I may not have the strength to reach out to my boyfriend and familing and tell them I'm not doing well. I feel that as long as I have a treatment team I feel I'll be able to be honest with them because they understand that my recovery isn't going to be perfect.

My biggest enemy is myself. I have the ability when I'm alone to fall into such a deep hole that I may never be able to climb myself out of.

My struggles also will first only exist in my head. The problem lies in whether I have the ability to confine them to my head. I am scared of at one point that the thoughts will become stronger--too much for me to handle-leading me to possibly giving in. From there, the 1st time I mess up or relapse I fear I will blame myself -feeling like a total failure and sening myself in a tailspin resulting in complete relapse.

I dont know how to do just "okay" in anything. I have to do it perfectly or I feel I cannot or that there is no reason to do it in the first place. Thus, the biggest struggle at home will reside when I have a relapse and whenther I am able to do the next right thing and assure myself that slips and lapses do not ruin my recovery. Further, what does is my inability to do the next right thing. I need to remember to look at the big picture in my recovery rather than the small stuff. Each day is always a chance for a new beginning and just because, or if I have a day where I lapse: restricting, binging or purging---- It wont be the end of the world as long as the next time I have a chance to do the right thing I do just that. One of my deep fears is that a lapse will turn into a relapse and the pattern of self-destruction will be unavoidable. I know it's a fear I have to change. I cannot live in fear, I've just got to prevent lapses happening altogether or doing the next right thing after it happens. Also, not letting the occasional slip-up make me feel entirely incapable of recovery. I need to hold on to new beginnings and not just looking at my recovery as black and white, perfect or predictable.

Transition to PHP day

1/16/12

Thinking about the transition and leaving my therapist-in my initial thoughts I am super scared- wanting to instinctually to try to prevent it. Mostly, because thats what I've always been able to do... Well, atleast some of the time. I am afraid ill be forgotten by my therapist. And I suppose that goes bck to my fear that I will leave this world-whenever that is, and after a day or so people will forget about me forever. That hurts. Sometimes I try so hard to be different-unique and special but then when that person goes away I feel like they never will think about me. That hurts. I think it disturbs me mostly because often the person who Im thinking about I never forget and they always come acrossed in my thoughts one way or another.

I am confused as to whether I am dealing with this impending loss in a more healthy way than in the past. Mostly, because while I have made my feelings know I now find myself telling myself that "this won't be bad" or "that this won't hurt". Not that I am avoiding feeling them. But in a way I feel like I am denying myself of celebrating the relationship. I'm entirely not sure. I want to ideally be able to acknowledge the relationship for all its done for me and how its impacted my life. I also want to enjoy and cherish the time I have left with my therapist. I don't know how- I am almost in effect, paranoid that I am not going to do this whole "dealing with fear of attachment and loosing person deal" correctly. I am entirely afraid that I am still going to be ravaged and that nothing is going to be different. I suppose I know in the back of my mind that I've never or rarely delt loosing something or someone in a healthy way, and I am still scared that I possibly made myself vulnerable for no reason. In fact, now im wondering what im expecting in return from the person by being vulnerable? I think I want to know that they feel the same way or that they keep in contact with me, mostly so I know I haven't been forgotten about. And, that they still think of me from time to time. Because, it hurts so much to my innder core to think and believe that im the only one still thinking about them & cherishing the fond memories. Which i guess goes back to the importance I stress on fairness and equality. Without the equality in life, feelings, relationships and society-- someone or some group is always getting hurt. And right now I believe that person is going to be me. Right now I guess im unable to control my anticipatory feelings about what i am scared I am goin g to loose when I go to the new PHP building and have to change therapists. I have been Ble to do things different in that I've shared my feelings with my therapist. But I cannot help but draw from the past for information on how i'll feel this time. I don't know how to change that mindset. I really want to because I want to enjoy my 'less than a week' i have left. I feel that if im still stuck in the past worrying that the future will resemble it I will fail to enjoy the time I have now. What if it still hurts the same?! What then?! I am terrified.

Eaters Agreement 1/16/12

I hereby agree, whole-heartedly to leave my self-destruction in the past to feed my body- knowing I need to do far more than to take care of my body: I need to feel my feelings, without shame and avoidance. I acknowledge that if I fail to nourish myself I will be unhealthy in body and mind.

I agree to acknowledge my needs and vocalize them. My needs are never too much. I agree to reach out to loved ones, and myself to ensure that I feel whole, cared about and loved. Through nourishing myself: body and soul I agree to fully participate in socierty and pursie my dreams.

I accept that perfections is unattainable and that my body and accomplishments will be my own and thererfore unique and special merely because they are my own. In pursuit of a happy and fulfilling lige I acknowledge that all feelings are valid: sad, happy, angry, frustrated and upset. I will make my best effort to not let the people I cherish and love go without knowing how much I care about them. And I will do my best to not avoid telling them I care merely because of the fear ogf getting hurt and being vulnerable. I agree to be vulnerable in relationships because I know blocking them out will only result ina deeper pain and heartache.

Moreover, I agree to fulfill my mind and bodis needs to ensure life, happiness and joy. BY nourishing myself I'm agreeing to continue my life here on Earth.

I now take the next best step in life by more than just eating to ensure that I lead a fulfilling life, and celebrate my existence... Starting today and each day forth.

Shutting Down: Prevention (My Guide)

Signs That I am Shutting Down

1. I am ignoring the people who I care about or am afraid of loosing
2. I preend and may vocalise that I don't need the support of the person/s
3. I hold back or lie about how much I really care, hiding emotions and sometimes showing the complete opposite emotion surrounding a person's impending absence.
4. In conversation with said person/persons I often give short or one word answers

How to Prevent Myself From Shutting Down

1. Try to keep telling myself that I will regret not saying how I feel, and I'll loose and it may hurt even more if I shut down. If I shut down I will still experience the pain and loss. Shutting down doesn't prevent the loss no matter what I tell myself.
2. I have to work on not holding back my emotions and what I'm feeling in fear of being vulnerable.
3. Make a gratitude list for the person I am afraid of loosing or shutting down with and share it with them.

What Day Treatment Can do to Help me When This Happens

1. Bring up my feelings about the attachment and fear of loss in group (smaller group of people) where I may be feeling more comfortable.
2. Share my signs of shutting down and putting up walls with the girls/therapists in an effort to make them aware of when I may be shutting down/pushing people away.

How I want Others to Respond

1. Confront me about my behavior that they feel is a sign of me pushing away.
2. Ask me who I am afraid of loosing and why I am wanting to shutdown.
3. Remind me that shutting down isn't going to prevent the loss from happening.

1/10/12

"Maybe good is about developing the capacity to live fully around everything. Our body is our country, the only city, the only village, the only every we will ever know------Maybe being good isnt about getting rid of anything. Maybe good has to do with living in the mess."

- Eve Ensler "The Good Body"

Connections & My Fears

1/8/12

I reacted the way I did the other night because I've been hurt by people: boyfriends-friends-family-therapists. I hate the hurt feeling. The relationships I have now are ones (excluding current therapist) that are not temporary. I hate temporary relationships because they always end. And tog et so close to someone and then know before hand that you are going to get so close to them and you gut out your heart and soul to them.--> Then one day you have to leave them and never see them again. I dont imagine anyone would want to enter into a relationship like that willingly. I wouldnt mind a person in my life who was temporary as long as they dont have a profound impact on my life. But here, I am getting help and ridding myself of a deadly addiction and a ravaging eating disorder. It makes me mad that I have to forget and never see again the one person who is/ was central in changing my life monumentally. I know I do a lot of work here by myself but this treatment, thus (my current therapist) is potentially changing my life forever. It again makes me scared, mad and hurt that I have to do this remarkable thing and leave behind someone who was a part of this unforgettable experience, saving my lufe, my sanity and my dreams. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that day is coming and will always come if I want to live a healthy life. I suppose I see the validity in the argument that "Oh well isnt it better to have had that important and memorable relationshop that never to had had it all." I feel that; this feeling has made me hesitant on going to treatment in the past, is that I must sufffer the loss of an important relationship in exchange for a a chance at living a better life. It seems like I am forced to make the choice of one or another and thats not fair. Then one may say "Life's not fair" and I just want to fall apart, collapse to the ground. I want to push away so I can make life fair. But I know I cannot do that always, and thats why I put up walls, avoid being vulnerable when i sense that I am going to loose someone.

A Day in the Life of Recovery

1/4/12

Today I am ironically leaving Rainrock on a pass, and as I think about living in a life of recovery, I am filled with immense hope that in these few days while I am gone, I feel I will be able to see what my recovery life will look like down the road. If I eat all my food while I am gone and stay away from my other demons I will really have a great insight- at the very least on what recovery will be like.

I feel I am realistic in the sense that right away in recovery thins wont be totally normal right away. In recovery I believe I'll see a natural decrease in thoughts about food, I'll be able to be present around people and not always be obsessed with when I am goig to eat next or when I can disconnect from my feelings again. To believe that when I leave Rainrock I would be entirely mistaken to think things will be perfect and my Ed etc... will be 100% annihalated. In recovery I believe I will find joy elsewhere: in family, friends and that people and my work or studies will suffice in making me happy or content. I will eventually no longer look to my Ed or something else as my way to be happy. To me, one of the best parts of a recovery like I am looking forward to is: I won't have to live a life full of lies, and that I will be confident and proud of whatever I am pursuing in life. I am happy to let go of the feeling where I hate everything about myself and my life. I cannot wait to feel proud again of the person I am.

In recovery I also envision and am looking forward to being able to have a shitty or triggering things happen without sending myself in a tailspin of self-loathe & destruction.

Beyond the obvious absence of behaviors across the board I am looking forward to being a role model. Before my addictions I always had people who looked up to me and who were inspired by me. I am confident that in a recovery life I will be able to become just that: a role model; instead of an example of the kind of person one would never want to be.

At first glance this asssignment appeared to me as one where I would just list or gloat about a single day in my recovere life, talking merely about the lack of behaviors or obsessive thoughts. To me, a recovered life means so much more. It is not something that just happens overnight or in a few months. This is going to be something I live with for the rest of my life. I know I am never going to be completely 'normal' again but the former is what I believe will be the most important in my recovered life or to me a measure of how strong my recovery truly is. To get rid of behaviors is one thing, and to be able to get back my happiness and confidence is another and will result in a far stronger and poignant impact on my life.

New Years Reflection 12-31-11

This whole last year was clouded with I high I never could escape till I came here. New years eve last year I was so out of my mid I was shaking and barely knew what I was doin or wher I was. This past year had had only one real high- which was coming to Rainrock and finally escaping the thing that had me in such a strong hold. I am so embarressed of what I did, how much i lied, and how I treated my family and friends. It makes me sick to think of all that I did. I basically see see it as a year that I lost. A year that I will never get back- ever. I hope this year isnt what defines me but changes me into the person that I know resides deep down inside of me. That is what hurt the most, I know this past year-- i was gone-lost to the days of my Ed. I was simply trying to suffer and now I am because it sucks what I have done to myself and that I stole a whole year, 365 days from family, friends and myself.

Letter to Holly

12/24/11 Shared in Group

Preface: I was supposed to have a phone session with her. I at one point really wanted to, but then felt self-conscious and mean for what I had written. I do not know if reading this to her would have helped my recovery or not. I contemplated what kind of response i would have wanted. I realized I did not expect any response and that was totally okay and even if she had said something- just letting her know would have been enough. But I have a lot of guilt for my feelings.

Holly,

I dont know why i have been so scared to tell you how much of an impact you had me, and how much of a connection I felt with you. In all reality before I came to treatment I never really talked to anyone about my real feelings. And so, when I had you asa therapist and you were so consoling, caring and okay with me as I amit felt almost as if you were my pseudo-mom. I dont know when it happened or how exactly it did. I just know that it scared me to death for the fact that I was going to loose you, that tore my heart into pieces. The former is the main reason I tried to pull away from you & wanted to think and pretended I did not want the connection for whatever reason or another. As much as i tried the connection alreayd had formed in those small moments when you told me you cared about me, let me cry and pushed me when i pushed first. Then when you let the other staff at montecatini make the decision to kick me out: I felt betrayed. I know I did some things to get me kicked out, but some of the things that Iwas blamed for I didn't do. The others that did the same things as me still got to stay. I felt betrayed, I felt that you no longer knew me because no one came to me and asked me what really happened. That hurt, and still does hurt to my very core You did and had a relationship with me that I never had before... And then it was gone.

It made me feel as if you no longer cared or that possibly ou never cared and were a sham. I (to my detriment only) made it a point to try to make you feel as bad and as hurt as I did. So that one day (hoping in a short time) that you would be at my funeral finally regretting your decision and finaly seeing how much you hurt me. At that time you would be hurt just as I had been and finally it would eb equal. As soon as I left Montecatini my only plan was to get sick as possible-which I eventually accomplished- dying three times and reaching my lowest weigh ever. I wished every day that you would see me and care again; seeing how upset I was and finally care again or see the reprecussion for your passive decision. I am still so angry at you. You have no idea what you did to me or how much I hurt.

Do you know how it feels to hate so much the one person you thought you had the strongest and most meaningful connection with?

Have you ever experienced that?

If you had, you would have never let someone you cared for be kicked out when they needed the care so much. If you haven't experienced it before, I hope you know to never do this to someone again. It hurts to be hurt, and it hurts even more to be hurt by you. Most likely, you dont know about any of what I have felt in the past year. I suppose logically there is no way you could have known, and that just sucks. But after reading learning this you will know and I can only hope after learning this you never do this again to someone.

Its necessary for my recovery to inform you and to start forgiving you. I would not wish this on anyone. I am so mad, so hurt- but you still mean the world to me...

Don't forget that.

12/22/11

I have realized that I have a lot of resentment and hurt feelings from the fact that I have felt like I've had to be self sufficient and by myself for a long time. I feel that there has never been or in the past there was never anyone there to provide me with what I need. I dont want to blame anyone- but I am still mad that no one I know has to make hard decisions based on money, that others have parents who are able to meet their needs. In a way it transates to me, in my mind, asa lack of care, because if someone really cared and love me they would find a way to help me. In the back of my mind I know that connection is a poor one. Still, I cannot separate it. This is al;so a big reason I feel I have never felt taken care of. Its hard and frustrating because I dont want anyone to think I am blaming them but I dont know what to do with my feelings.

Hope 12-21-11

Days are crawling

Weeks are flying

Brain is trying trying to keep my mind from lying.

Attempting to get better

Coping by drowning myself in sweaters.

Letters keep coming, keep coming.

It shows me that my loved ones still love.

Caring, caring, I keep trying to care

About me, others, and friends near and there.

Pushing, pushing myself to dare.

Dare to choose life, and push through all my strife.

Each day, each long day, each long arduous day--

I try, I fight to keep Ed at bay.

He is so strong, and our relationship has gone on for so long

Dong! Dong! he's rapping, tapping endlessly at my door.

He's waiting to come in-

Wanting to keep me thin.

I want to do my best, pass-pass, pass the Goodbye Ed test.

Oh, how I loathe his tests, such a pest

I finally have hope he will no longer nest-

No nesting in me, no bringing me to my knees

Please just leave, and leave the best of me.

... I hope.

what it will be like to maintain a healthy weight through normal eating

12-20-2011

In all honestly IO feel that as soon as I meet my goal weigh which I still haven't accepted as acceptable -- The biggest urge I am going to be fighting is restricting because often when we are scheduled to have snacks/meals I am not hungry. So if I have a lapse (which hopefully doesn't turn into a relapse), my biggest feat will be keeping it just so, and not to let it grow back into my full blown eating disorder. I can only hope that at this point that I will enjoy nourishing myself correctly and enjoy having energy, being hapy, being present. My body image has always beem amnd most likely will always be my biggest hurdle in recovery. So, again I hope I learn to accept my healthy weight and try to fopcus on the things the healthy weight gives me, rather than dwellling on how awful it is; which could lead to me manipulating it to the way I want it. I know I have maintained a healthy weight in the past but lurking in my head my body image has felt like a volcano ready to erupt. I have always felt and overwhelming sense of disgust about myself inside and out. I hope this time it will be different and that this time when i leave rainrock or discharge from php my body wont be so important and bothersome.

I can only wish for the best and that hope will find me.

"The more open flexible and forgiving you are with regards to the mistakes you make the less likely you are to feel doomed or defined by them"

December 14th, 2011 Whats on my inside/ what I want to be known for

I want to be known for making someone feel special, unique, talented and driving other to achieve great things. In highschool and college the people who made the most impact on me were those who saw talent in me and took time to get to know me, built trust, and relationships. In turn, I responded to this kindness and genuine care with motivation to work harder. Most often the people I looked up to were teachers and coaches. They made such a profound impact on my life. I looked forward to each day, each practice or each class because of them. In essence, I want to makke sure other people get to recieve the same gift I did. I worked so hard and got so much satisfaction from making these people feel proud, impressed and happy for my success. It felt good when i felt that spark of approval and how proud they were of me. Moreover, i want to be known for being the spark that motivates people- anyone of any age to do amazing things that in turn make them feel proud and good about themselves. Having someone to look up ti s imperative, someone to be motivated by is paramount, and that is what I want to be known for.

December 13th, 2011 "two-weeks-notice"

I am so scared to leave. I just put in my two weeks-notice and I really don't think I am ready 2 leave. I am so scared. Scared that I am going to relapse when I get home or when I am back in San Diego. That makes me so sad. I dont want to have to go to treatment again. I guess the reality of leaving on the 23rd never hit me as being so imminent until i actually had to put in my "2 weeks notice" and when I learned my therapist isnt going to be there my last week. That makes me feel hurt and reminds me of when I left Holly, that hurt so much. I just dont know what to do. My parents are so looking forward to me coming home. I definitly made a huge mistake by telling them to book that flight 2 weeks ago. The emotion i am feeling now is definitly sadness--for myself, and for my future. I just feel so stupid. It hurts in my throat and chest.

** Update: a few days later after talking to my therapist I withdrew my 2 week notice and decided to stay.

Sometime in December 2011

In every moment things are building up, I feel like I can't escape it. At every turn I amke someone or something hurts me and then it comes out physically in a large emotion usually in response to a seemingly small things. I hate it. I hate-scratch that... Looooathe feeling like my thoughts or feeling are wrong or bad or unjustified. Because of the way I observe groups going, it leads me to be so hesitant to talk because people lash out or attacks other for some of the littlest things and thats something I cannot handle. The smallest attacks make me want to cower and run away. Mostly because I feel I am being judged or misunderstood. I wish were able to handle criticism and comments better. I feel i cant because a lot of the time it hurt soo much. Keeping all this in really makes me feel claustrophobic and trapped which then causes me to freak out and want to get away from it all. Which, in turn effects my recovery adversely because it makes me want to leave here. Because at home (in NY and SD) I can or was able to let it out. And when I let it build up, eventually I cannot take it anymore and I blow up. I dont feel like I am in control of my actions and emotions because at that point-- all the emotions have been mushed up together: the annoying things, hurtful things, frustrating things. So, what comes out matches none of them but is merely a mess of them all. It is confusing to other and frustrating to myself because when something does come out-it doesn't make sense. I am entirely unpredictable, uncontrollable and in the end it makes me feel even worse and bad about myself.

Sadness Pt 2 December 2011

I am not sure if I ever feel sadness, if I do its showin in a different emotion physically. Cognitively, I am not sure what sadness is... Correction, I've felt sadness when I have lost people or things- I have felt it, it sucks. It hurts in my stomach and I immediatly blame myself or look inwards in an attempt to understand why im feeling that way. Thus, logically I end up feeling negative about myself in some way. So, logically I avoid sadness as much as possible. I am not really sure hwo else to feel sadness or what to say about it. I know a lot and fel a lot about all other emotions. But with sadness I just physically feel a lot. I have worked so hard to avoid feeling sadness in my realtionships with other people-- and it worked. I am sad very rarely. Which most of the time i feel is good. Also its rare or hard to cry when im sad. Ironically, some of the time it is easy to cry which most people associate with sadness but I cry when I feel angry, frustrated, powerless, or misunderstood. Perhaps, underneath all those emotions is some kind of sadness. I honestly dont know. FML I am already checked out.

Surprise Surprise I'm mad.

This feeling is more frustrating than feeling sad.

I always get scolded for feeling this way.

They claim they understand me,

but they dont ever come close,

no matter what they say.

Guidebook to Micaela:

1. I dont ask for help-it makes me feel weak and like a bad or less than person.

2. I have a hard time correcting or addressing people that I have issues with because

a. I feel I have no place

b. I feel like I'm making a big deal about nothing.

3. When I am sad or hurt I isolate and distance myself from people as a whole as a defense mechanism so I dont get hurt again.

4. I am scared of gaining weight because I fear I won't be sick anymore. I crave to be sick because it makes me special I stand out from being normal. Being normal and healthy scares me. Along with that I am afraid of being forgotten because if I look like everyone else I will be lost in the crowd. Also, I am scared because my ED is an out, I have an excuse if I fail at life. Without my ED if I fail that pressure is all on me and my fault. There's something wrong with me if I fail. I'm also afraid of my set point because when I was last at that weight I was doing mediocre in school and athletic, then when I lost weight I started to excel and stand out academically and athletically.

5. I dont like to talk in group because it makes me feel needy and that I am not important/sick enough and time would be better served focusing on thers because in some way or another they deserve it more.

6. I get frustrated and hurt when people don't/unable to read my mind when I am sad or upset. I feel that if they really cared they would be able to read my mind/know me enough to know something is wrong with me.

You Have the Right to Change and Grow- 12/3/11

I. This bothers me because although I feel that I do have this privilege/right, I often struggle when I am not doing well with my ED and D to believe I have this right or am not meant to have said right. The fact that I have never been able to change and grow may mean that maybe thats not my destiny and that I dont have the tools or something is wrong with me that leads to my incapability to change and grow. Thus, when i go and try to get treatment I am just wasting my time and other's time. Mostly, because I struggle with believing that I am destined to recover. Everything I want to do I can usually do 99% of the time and this is really the 1st time I have failed so hard so many times over to recover.

II. If I were to believe this it would be easier to stay more positive about my recovery thus not leading to failure each time I try to overcome my Ed. I would be better-self-esteem wise if I felt capable and deserving of recovery despite my failures, and that my past failures are just that, in the past. It would make me feel more control in my treatment. it would also make me feel powerful thus destined for recovery. I would believe too, that I have the power to control my future--which I feel I lack entirely now. This i believe would enstill a greater sense of hope, strength and control over my life and my destiny.

Sadness 12/3/11

There's something about sadness that creates feelings of fear and insecurity in me. Sadness makes me:

1. Feel Weak- all the other emotions such as anger, in my eeys dont show weakness and vulnerability like sadness does. Sadness shows I was stupid enough to trust someone or get attached and then it blew up in my face. Makes me wish I never made the connection.

2. Acknowledges that ive been hurt- it reminds me that someone or some incident has hurt me. That mean I had no control over the ability to prevent myself from getting hurt. I hate loosing control. I feel that if I am a good strong person i would have be able to prevent getting hurt. Therefore, when I do get hurt its a reminder that I failed.

3. Makes me feel unloved/not cared about. Most of my sadness is derived from people, and loosing them or not getting what I wanted out of the relationship. So in turn, that loss enforces a core belief that there is something wrong with me that made the person go away. Or if I didn't loose them and they just did something that hurt me it makes me think that I am incapable of being loved. Therefore, again there is something inherently wrong with me. Even more, that this will happen for the rest of my life. I feel then, undeserving or incapable of being fully loved. And, that those who are loved and cared about never experience sadness from a loss of a person because theres something to love about them and not with me.

Much of the Same

I want to calw my eyes out

All these people around me I am starting to doubt.

Do these people really get me?

from what they're saying I just want to flee.

Problems, Problems I feel I create.

This pattern I see I'm really starting to hate.

I am always at fault I'm always wrong.

I am beginning to hate the tune of this song.

I bond with those I feel chemistry and strength

I try to keep those relationships to the longest lengths.

People either get me or not

And those who dont--

our relationship ends like a short sentance

with a dot.

Period. There is not more.

They'll never get to my core.

How my ED is like my DA

I use them both to escape, to exert control on my body because with Ed and DA I am stil trying to loose weight I just prefer the latter because then I dont have to purge; which is shameful to me. They both achieve the attention I seek or rather they both make me feel sick so I feel like I wont be forgotten as long as Im fucked up with an ED or DA. They both serve asa a distraction to being succesful, pursuing my dreams, the stress of bills and life. With both I dont have to think about my life stressors that I normally feel unequipped to handle day to day without using one of the former. I use them also to avoid feeling emotions-all emotions to me are unsafe and painful. The DA is preferential because I feel I can function more and my mind isnt obsessed with all the food and hunger and what my body looks like. With D I focus on when I am going to do it next, how long it will last etc... In essence they both serve as

a. distractions from daily life stressors and emotions/feelings

b. Both keep me sick and make me feel like people wont forget about me. Also, so people wont expect a lot from and that way I won't feel devasted when i fail at something.

11/27/11

Right now I feel this tense feeling in my stomach-it feels like anxiety. It came on soon after dinner. I wasn't struggling with the meal nor was I aware of any anxiety surrounding the food. I was writing down affirmations from a list that I wanted for myself when I noticed the tight feeling in my stomach. Almost at an anxiety attack level. At this moment I still can't shake it. I have no idea where it came from. I think I am partly internally pannicked about having to stay here for awhile. I think it scares me because I am impatient. I dont feel like I am being challenged whatsoever and that frustrates me to no end. Knowing I have to stick around watching all these girls use behaviors unneccesarily @ meals and struggle @ the meals and listen to their complaining about how fat they are--- im gonna go more insane than I already am. I cannot stand it. I feel i am past all that. I feel out of place, its uncomfortable. Maybe thats at the root of my anxiety right now. It feels like a weight-- a huge weight in my stomach that I cant shake or ignore.

Flowers In May 11/26/11

This is new

-And for once not scary.

No longer is ED the man I want to marry.

I fear this feeling will flee

and all alone again I'll be.

In this moment I'm finally feeling the power.

The road to recover nop longer makes me want to cower.

Now, what frightens me the most:

is that my yearning to get better

is quickly going to be toast.

My mind never ever committs.

It ceases to remember fears.

It ceases to remember tears.

I've decided all I can do is look forward.

All I can do is take advantage of each day.

All I can do is--

Pray that my mind always remembers

and my happiness sprouts up

... Like the Flowers in May.

#4/5 Motivations for Recovery

1. To be Happy

2. To be able to pursue my dreams

3. To Dream

4. To be able to Feel

5. To be able to love people in return and show them I care.

6. To be proud of myself

7. To become one of the rare ones who overcame my ED and D.

8. To be special not because of my ED and D but for something special I have done or become.

9. To be inspirational

10. TO want to live-- to want to be in recovery

#3/5 free assignment from Jen

sometime in early December 2011

I am not feeling challenged at all. I really did need to come to residential to break my cycle of restrict/binge/purge and obviously to gain weight. I know I am not done but I already feel 100% better and more motivated about my recovery than I ever have before. The former is why I made teh decision to put in my 2 weeks notice on December 9th. I just feel that a month in residential is a solid amount of time to which I can be stabilized and used to not using behaviors. My gut feeling is that the long I stay in residential robotically eating and staying out of behaviors will only lead me to boredom thus trouble and perhaps yearning for freedom so I can use my ED. I also want to get in the habit of going to AA or NA so I can get used to going to meetings (it seems so hard to convince them that I need to go). That will allow me to work on my other issue of addiction which is just as much of a problem as my ED. I guess this feeling comes mostly from frutrtion. I dont believe as long as things go well that that means I won't relapse. For me to maintain my motivation I need to be constantly challenged. My attention tends to go by the wayside when I am bored or under-challenged and I dont feel like my treatment or learning are tailored uniquely to me.

Challenges I feel are realistic:

1. Attending 2 meetings a week (AA or NA)

2. Lower "observations" after meals and snacks

3. Meals alone

4. Portioning

There is honestly no bullshit here. I am eager to get better and the drive I have to stay in recovery is like no other I've felt before. I just wanna run with that motivation

**** UPDATE: I decided when I had a family session with my parents about coming home for xmas after giving in my 2 weeks notice I realized that I truly was not ready and that I would have just relapsed if I had gone home. I also found out that my therapist was going to be gone the last couple days I would have had at rainrock which all together helped me make the best decision I did throughout my time at rainrock and decided to stay. Things became so much better after. 2nd best decision in my life next to coming to treatment. 1/28/12 MK

Thoughts abour Death & Legacy

Death: Group writing topic Dec, 2011

When I die I believe I don’t go to heaven. I never contemplated it much. I definitely do not believe I go somewhere concrete or tangible. The idea of “me”, myself, Micaela being gone forever has always given me the chills and urked me to my core since I was a little girl. Honestly, I believe that when I die I am gone forever, not existing anywhere. If I were aware that I was going to die, I would tell myself my soul was finally going to be at peace. The idea that exists in my mind stronglu feels that I would be void of existence or occupation of any place.

Legacy

This is the thing that scares me or perhaps saddens me the most about death and even bothers me as I live. I fear so much, almost to my detriment that no one will remember me past a few generations when I die- that is unless I do something that is extraordinary or written in history books for all too see. Only then do I feel like I have left a legacy. The people whom I believe have a legacy are those who have changed the world for better or for worse. I don't exactly envision that happening for myself. Legacy is regal legacy is rare and sacred for those who lead lives that are so vastly unique and hard to come by. With the path I am on now I am not creating a legacy for myself. I dont feel I have the power to create a legacy. I am passively or have passively been killing myself for the past few years, that doesnt usually result in legacy or rememberance--just a short lived life thats forgotten as fast as it was lived.

Assignment #1/5 My choice topic assignment from Jen

Treatment Motivations:

My motivation to get treatment this time feels so vastly different than any other time I have been in treatment (thank god). Oddly, not so much because of the legal trouble I got in but because I have firmly and securely realized that If I were to keep my eating disorderà I am never going to be happy. Yes, I may be able to be skinny and get the attention I feel I need. Yet, forever will I be drained and depressed, ashamed and will lack the desire to live. I will forever punish myself for the talents wasted and lost.

I desperately want this Ed to go away because I want to be happy, not only because it affects me, because it affects my relationships with those I love. I want to love them and be able to show it, for them to feel it- not only do they deserve it but because they have always stood by me with unwavering support for my recovery… They deserve nothing less.

I also want to get better because once again I want to experience pride in my life: I want to pursue my talent in running, and I want to become a teacher. I want to have the potential to effect someone’s life, and dreams the way some teachers did for me. There is something different this time. That alone excites me.