Popular Posts
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I hereby agree, whole-heartedly to leave my self-destruction in the past to feed my body- knowing I need to do far more than to take care...
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I have been an avid journal'er ever since I started treatment for my eating disorder. This will be a place for family and friends to se...
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Lately Ive been noticing that the person I am when im at home versus at works/with friends is completely diabolically different. At work im...
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Mid purge today I thought- "oh my gosh, im still doing this, if I keep doing it, its gonna kill me-why don't I care" ............
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to say that the last month has been critical is hardly enough said. I have abstained from writing because I didnt want to feel. I wasnt feel...
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I want to be known for making someone feel special, unique, talented and driving other to achieve great things. In highschool and college th...
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Body Image Green: Thoughts about body image are fleeting and may come up and do not linger or effect my day or behavior. Yellow: Trying on n...
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One thing that truly sucks about having an ED is that minutes or even hours can go by where I think about food, or what to eat etc... Like ...
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"Its a shame that we have to live, but its a tragedy that we only get to live one life" Oskar's Mom: Shyness is when you turn ...
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Man there is a lot to say... My days right now: They're robotic. I do everything the same everyday. Horrible, not any better. Loyalties ...
Monday, March 12, 2012
Green/Yellow/Red Flags 2/15/12
2/5/12 Quotes I identified with from "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Portlandia
Seeing old therapist
Healthy Lifestyle Project 2/3/12
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The day of the horrible no-good very bad day (envisioning a day I have a lapse)
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Why Celebrate My Successesi
- I believe that if I take the time to enjoy and revel in my accomplishments then perhaps I won't be dwelling on my fears of relapse as much. Right now the fear of a "lapse" is potentially at a point where I am anticipating a mess-up so much. a) because I dont believe I'm good enough or smart enough to have a perfect recovery b) People rarely have perfect-no, perfect recovery doesn't exist. c) This was so hard the last time in treatment, I cannot be so naive as to believe that it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
- I believe that by celebrating my progress (or even acknowledging it) I am in a sense diverting my attention to the positive aspects of recovery and not just sitting around waiting for the horrible part to come. Further, by focusing more on what I'm accomplishing, I believe a lot of the power and fear surrounding a lapse will decrease. The best way to carry this out is by:
- Being cognizant of when I am getting fearful of failing. Then, when I'm realizing I am being to anticipatory about potential downfalls in my recovery; pull out my journal and either look at my most recent accomplishments and say them aloud, call my parents to talk to them about what I have done or write out an affirmation of my accomplishment and put it on my wall as a reminder of what i've achieved.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Why Progress Doesn't Mean I am Less Important
- I have a really hard time saying and acknowledging or celebrating my successes and accomplishments in life. So, due to that issue I may be tricking myself into thinking that none of my triumphs are good enough to talk about or acknowledge.
- I am afraid I will come across as bragging and that people will get sick of hearing how well I am doing. A big part of my issues surround the fact that I care so much about what people think of me (insecure).
- I'm also afraid if I start talking about successes all the time (black and white thinking) that I won't be able to stop and people will become annoyed with me. In turn I will be taking away valuable time from those who are struggling and really need extra time in group to talk.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
ABCD Chart
- I am a mean insensitive bitch who never thinks about what I say before saying it.
- People don't connect with me or don't want to because eventually I say something mean or venemous to hurt the person.
- I am a selfish person who is manipulative and only care about my feelings and I shouldn't make friends because im ingenuine and going to hurt everyone
- Emotional: Feel like I was a mean person, insecure, scared, out of control, self-conscious, nervous, increased heart rate, wanted to isolate and push away. I felt I didn't deserve hanging out with the girls.
- Behavioral: Talked to peers to see if I was being insensitive, avoided seeing the client and talking to her. Clung on to other peers I felt safe with as a way to validate to myself that I am not unwanted.
- Client could have been upset with more than just want I said. If there room in the car then it is okay for me to go. This situation is temporary and will blow over. I know I am not always insensitive. I know I'm not always insensitive, I know I am caring. I shouldn't waste energy being upset based on assumptions especially without talking to the client myself.
Self Advocacy
- Feeling like I have to be sick to get any kind of attention. And that people will take time to make sure I am okay and thus I won't be forgotten about (in group) in life.
- Feeling like if people aren't asking me how I am, when they don't yet the continue to express outward concern to hear from others I think that they (staff) do not care about me. Further, I must care for myself entirely. Thus, there is no room for weakness and emotions. My emotions feel sometimes overwhelming as it is and that feels like a lot to carry. If I am going to be caring for myself alone, and find no space in groups to talk I fear a lot of emotions will come up that feel extreme or unsafe.
- I have heard from clients as well as staff that they want to and enjoy hearing how I am doing. So, it is my job to take the initiative to make sure I speak up about my accomplishments and progress to get my needs met. Also, when people around me are struggling perhaps the attention they are getting is not the attention I want to seek. Not in the sense that its bad but in the way that staff are listening, worried and concerned with those who are struggling. Versus, if I have something to celebrate or want to be proud of- I get a different kind of attention in that people are happy excited and hopeful for me and my recovery process.
- It is my job to ask for what I need to get my needs met and to feel cared about. Just because staff or clients aren't asking me whats going on in the same manner or volume that they are with others doesn't mean they care for me any less. They just are not mind readers. Perhaps when someone is doing poorly its just easier to see visually via body language. As a person doing well in my recovery I suppose I have to take care the all the care once given to me and take on some of it myself. I can do that by asking others for support and feedback. And if they can meet those needs I vocalize and they are willing and capable of meeeting them, then that act alone of willingness to at least attempt to meet my needs is a direct sign that I am cared for. I need to remember the fact of the matter is that Yes, there are going to be points where I am all alone and I am going to have to be able to have the tools to practice self care, most likely I will always have a support network of family and friends that will be willing and capable of meeting my needs... As long as I vocalize them. My support network can meet me halfway: I vocalize my needs + my support system responds with support. And that is the clearest illustration that I am cared for.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Quotes
Soul Part 2 "Ecosoulsystem"
Friday, February 3, 2012
What My Food Struggles Will Look Like at Home
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Transition to PHP day
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Eaters Agreement 1/16/12
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Shutting Down: Prevention (My Guide)
- I am ignoring the people who I care about or am afraid of loosing
- I preend and may vocalise that I don't need the support of the person/s
- I hold back or lie about how much I really care, hiding emotions and sometimes showing the complete opposite emotion surrounding a person's impending absence.
- In conversation with said person/persons I often give short or one word answers
- Try to keep telling myself that I will regret not saying how I feel, and I'll loose and it may hurt even more if I shut down. If I shut down I will still experience the pain and loss. Shutting down doesn't prevent the loss no matter what I tell myself.
- I have to work on not holding back my emotions and what I'm feeling in fear of being vulnerable.
- Make a gratitude list for the person I am afraid of loosing or shutting down with and share it with them.
- Bring up my feelings about the attachment and fear of loss in group (smaller group of people) where I may be feeling more comfortable.
- Share my signs of shutting down and putting up walls with the girls/therapists in an effort to make them aware of when I may be shutting down/pushing people away.
- Confront me about my behavior that they feel is a sign of me pushing away.
- Ask me who I am afraid of loosing and why I am wanting to shutdown.
- Remind me that shutting down isn't going to prevent the loss from happening.
1/10/12
Connections & My Fears
A Day in the Life of Recovery
Monday, January 30, 2012
New Years Reflection 12-31-11
Letter to Holly
12/22/11
Hope 12-21-11
what it will be like to maintain a healthy weight through normal eating
Sunday, January 29, 2012
December 14th, 2011 Whats on my inside/ what I want to be known for
I want to be known for making someone feel special, unique, talented and driving other to achieve great things. In highschool and college the people who made the most impact on me were those who saw talent in me and took time to get to know me, built trust, and relationships. In turn, I responded to this kindness and genuine care with motivation to work harder. Most often the people I looked up to were teachers and coaches. They made such a profound impact on my life. I looked forward to each day, each practice or each class because of them. In essence, I want to makke sure other people get to recieve the same gift I did. I worked so hard and got so much satisfaction from making these people feel proud, impressed and happy for my success. It felt good when i felt that spark of approval and how proud they were of me. Moreover, i want to be known for being the spark that motivates people- anyone of any age to do amazing things that in turn make them feel proud and good about themselves. Having someone to look up ti s imperative, someone to be motivated by is paramount, and that is what I want to be known for.
December 13th, 2011 "two-weeks-notice"
Sometime in December 2011
Sadness Pt 2 December 2011
You Have the Right to Change and Grow- 12/3/11
Sadness 12/3/11
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Much of the Same
How my ED is like my DA
11/27/11
Flowers In May 11/26/11
#4/5 Motivations for Recovery
#3/5 free assignment from Jen
Thoughts abour Death & Legacy
Death: Group writing topic Dec, 2011
When I die I believe I don’t go to heaven. I never contemplated it much. I definitely do not believe I go somewhere concrete or tangible. The idea of “me”, myself, Micaela being gone forever has always given me the chills and urked me to my core since I was a little girl. Honestly, I believe that when I die I am gone forever, not existing anywhere. If I were aware that I was going to die, I would tell myself my soul was finally going to be at peace. The idea that exists in my mind stronglu feels that I would be void of existence or occupation of any place.
Legacy
This is the thing that scares me or perhaps saddens me the most about death and even bothers me as I live. I fear so much, almost to my detriment that no one will remember me past a few generations when I die- that is unless I do something that is extraordinary or written in history books for all too see. Only then do I feel like I have left a legacy. The people whom I believe have a legacy are those who have changed the world for better or for worse. I don't exactly envision that happening for myself. Legacy is regal legacy is rare and sacred for those who lead lives that are so vastly unique and hard to come by. With the path I am on now I am not creating a legacy for myself. I dont feel I have the power to create a legacy. I am passively or have passively been killing myself for the past few years, that doesnt usually result in legacy or rememberance--just a short lived life thats forgotten as fast as it was lived.
Assignment #1/5 My choice topic assignment from Jen
Treatment Motivations:
My motivation to get treatment this time feels so vastly different than any other time I have been in treatment (thank god). Oddly, not so much because of the legal trouble I got in but because I have firmly and securely realized that If I were to keep my eating disorderà I am never going to be happy. Yes, I may be able to be skinny and get the attention I feel I need. Yet, forever will I be drained and depressed, ashamed and will lack the desire to live. I will forever punish myself for the talents wasted and lost.
I desperately want this Ed to go away because I want to be happy, not only because it affects me, because it affects my relationships with those I love. I want to love them and be able to show it, for them to feel it- not only do they deserve it but because they have always stood by me with unwavering support for my recovery… They deserve nothing less.
I also want to get better because once again I want to experience pride in my life: I want to pursue my talent in running, and I want to become a teacher. I want to have the potential to effect someone’s life, and dreams the way some teachers did for me. There is something different this time. That alone excites me.