Its strange although perfect to be getting this assignment right now. A month (or so) ago I wrote about my soul. Even though at that time I wasn't where I am now; recovery wise I still believed that whats inside of me is my soul and that has remained relatively the same. That fact assures me that I do have a real idea of what my soul is. It never goes away even when I am sick.
Woah... Even as I pick through words to choose to describe such an intangible, unworldly thing like the soul is I feel I am failing to pick the adequate term. But strong, resiliant and wise seems to fit as well as a linguistic term can against something as complex as a soul. I feel I have been through so-so much. It's hard for me still to talk positively of myself. I have to say with what I've been through and where I am now there is no way my soul is anything but strong, resiliant and wise. I would like to think everyone has a vastly different soul, even if the words to describe them are the same. I am not sure that many people could walk in my shoes and still be:
A. Alive
B. Be in Recovery
C. Be optimistic about the future.
Perhaps, I'm underestimating others. I feel lucky to have this inner strength to come back from all I have lived for the past 7 years.
My soul is also sensitive and caring. I am not the only one who knows that this part of my soul is the part I'm most scared of. My soul is in-tune with the emotions and energy from the people I am surrounded by. In turn, I'm so easily affected by others and their actions whether negative or positive (I'll call this being sensitive). To my detriment sometimes I care too much-the wrong kind of caring. I know I'm a caring person and at the same time I confuse the caring for myself and other into caring about what other people think in an effort to care for myself. That mistake in a large way cost me the last 7 years of my life. I believe a large part in making this mistake occurred when I realized or though that my soul wasn't aligned; that there was no way I could at the same time be strong and resilient and wise along with my caring & sensitive side. I feel that perhaps when I realized and saw my soul--myself as having 2 inner conflicting selves that in order to be a productive human being (whatever that means), I would have to choose 1 or the other. The idea seemed unfathomable and almost unimaginable that I, Micaela could be both strong, sensitive, wise and caring. I'm slowly starting to realize that to be successful I need to incorporate all components of myself and none should be ignored. None are incompatible with another. They all work together no matter the vast differences they have between each other. What's more, it is those differences that fit together and create/result in the best me possible. It is no wonder I have been lost, wandered off the beaten path, my path, my destiny for so long. If I deny my strong side the feelings may overtake me. If I ignore my caring side, I'll be living a very lonely life. I need to be sensitive to my needs and other's feelings not only to be caring but resilient when I fall down. If I am not in touch with what I need I won't be able to pick myself back up. Being strong necessitates being in touch with my emotions. If, I am bottling them up all the time-- I am in fact not strong, I'm the complete opposite: I'm, fragile; at any point one incident, one word, one feeling could send me over the edge-- I could shatter. In a cyclical, symbiotic way each part of my soul: strong, resilient, sensitive, and caring, all depend on the other parts of my soul to ensure their life. If one goes it effects the rest like dominoes and my entire soul comes tumbling down. My soul is like a balanced ecosystem: each facet grows naturally and to ensure my soul shines within me and outward I have to accept all that's inside me. I can't pick out parts that seem incongruent and everything that's inside is meant to be just as it is. Strong, resilient, sensitive, and caring- that is my ecosoulsystem :)
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