At home my food struggles will appear most when I am dealing with stressors like thinking about school, getting a job, and dealing with finances.
Those are the things that may trigger me the most. It will also be harder for me when I am at home alone with all my food and all my thoughts. This is because when I am alone a lot more of my thoughts become louder and harder to ignore because there are less distractions. Even writing and thinking about all this makes me super nervous. I can feel it in my stomach. I'm hoping that nervousness is normal and that its merely an indicator that I care about my recovery. Ugh.
Food struggles will mostly crop up when I'm alone in myself and have nothing to take my mind elsewhere. Thus, the biggest tool in remaining in recovery will bve to be able to entertain my mind and myself when I'm alone. All in an effort to stay out of my negative thoughts; which have the tendency and capability to turn me to m,y ED when I feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed in my mind.
The scary things about having struggles at home will be that I am going to be so scared to let myself and other people down after doing so well in the past month. I don't wan't to let people down. So, if something does happen I'm afraid I may not have the strength to reach out to my boyfriend and familing and tell them I'm not doing well. I feel that as long as I have a treatment team I feel I'll be able to be honest with them because they understand that my recovery isn't going to be perfect.
My biggest enemy is myself. I have the ability when I'm alone to fall into such a deep hole that I may never be able to climb myself out of.
My struggles also will first only exist in my head. The problem lies in whether I have the ability to confine them to my head. I am scared of at one point that the thoughts will become stronger--too much for me to handle-leading me to possibly giving in. From there, the 1st time I mess up or relapse I fear I will blame myself -feeling like a total failure and sening myself in a tailspin resulting in complete relapse.
I dont know how to do just "okay" in anything. I have to do it perfectly or I feel I cannot or that there is no reason to do it in the first place. Thus, the biggest struggle at home will reside when I have a relapse and whenther I am able to do the next right thing and assure myself that slips and lapses do not ruin my recovery. Further, what does is my inability to do the next right thing. I need to remember to look at the big picture in my recovery rather than the small stuff. Each day is always a chance for a new beginning and just because, or if I have a day where I lapse: restricting, binging or purging---- It wont be the end of the world as long as the next time I have a chance to do the right thing I do just that. One of my deep fears is that a lapse will turn into a relapse and the pattern of self-destruction will be unavoidable. I know it's a fear I have to change. I cannot live in fear, I've just got to prevent lapses happening altogether or doing the next right thing after it happens. Also, not letting the occasional slip-up make me feel entirely incapable of recovery. I need to hold on to new beginnings and not just looking at my recovery as black and white, perfect or predictable.
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