My healthy self knows that it is imperative that I learn, practice celebrating and postively acknowledge the hard work I have done. Interestingly that is what I am seeking in accomplishing things, that feeling of knowing i've done a good job in something. I have denied myself of this for so long. I believe that the fact that I never let myself feel proud for things I have done has in turn directly influenced the creation of a never ending & unattainable goals. I have the tendency of reaching a goal and then not celebrating it. I do this because I unconsciously believe that I still need to get better and that my goal is never enough. I realize that I need to celebrate my accomplishments to have goals that are attainable, that I can see or verbalize. All in an effort to prevent my goals from being unattainable.
To help with this I should:
1. (weekly or so) write down goals, NOT "to-do lists", of things I was to acheive that week and then if I succeed-journal about it and share in group to practice celebration.
2. It is also important for me to recognize that by celebrating my achievement it may make me feel good about myself. It's already a widespread fact that I am beyond insecure. Perhaps, taking the time to allow myself to feel pride about my accomplishments will without a doubt make me feel better about myself- versus having ever increasing goals and standards for myself. I know I will always want to try to find a way I can do something better. That line of thinking often makes me feel like a failure; which of course adversely effects my self-esteem.
A. I can work towards feel better by following step 1 and in my sharing with a group or therapist (or aloud to myself) postively affirm my goals and how it makes me feel as a person when i do complete them.
B. Also, talking to my innerself and thanking myself: mind & body for achieving the goals I set out to complete (in the same way I would with a friend).
I lastly want to work on celebrating my successes because:
- I believe that if I take the time to enjoy and revel in my accomplishments then perhaps I won't be dwelling on my fears of relapse as much. Right now the fear of a "lapse" is potentially at a point where I am anticipating a mess-up so much. a) because I dont believe I'm good enough or smart enough to have a perfect recovery b) People rarely have perfect-no, perfect recovery doesn't exist. c) This was so hard the last time in treatment, I cannot be so naive as to believe that it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
- I believe that by celebrating my progress (or even acknowledging it) I am in a sense diverting my attention to the positive aspects of recovery and not just sitting around waiting for the horrible part to come. Further, by focusing more on what I'm accomplishing, I believe a lot of the power and fear surrounding a lapse will decrease. The best way to carry this out is by:
- Being cognizant of when I am getting fearful of failing. Then, when I'm realizing I am being to anticipatory about potential downfalls in my recovery; pull out my journal and either look at my most recent accomplishments and say them aloud, call my parents to talk to them about what I have done or write out an affirmation of my accomplishment and put it on my wall as a reminder of what i've achieved.
I am aware that when I'm down, or feeling not good enough because I dont think I'm accomplishing anything. Or even, if I feel crippled by a potential impending lapse I will have some visual proof of all I have done and way to reiterate how well I am doing. Therefore, allowing myself to feel good instead of beating myself up is one of the keys to my recovery.
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