Lately Ive been noticing that the person I am when im at home versus at works/with friends is completely diabolically different. At work im this bubbly energetic positive polite outgoing person who appears to love life, then when i get home im quiet humble, shy, and paranoid. It's so weird. At work I dont have an eating disorder, as in no one knows, everyone sees me as normal I have a clean slate, and from what I understand everyone thinks i'm a good person that im reliable and just good. As soon as i leave i feel like im back to the rude, inconsiderate, lazy, unreliable, un-everything that is good. I wish I could spread it out to my whole life, but that seems impossible. But its good that its that way because I look forward to work, I like it- because its like I got another chance to show the world what im like there. No one knows my past and i enamor in that fact.
ALSO, this is completely bad, but I don't think i want to do therapy anymore. I don't think my therapist knows how strong my eating disorder is. And the fact that she doesn't--worries me. Additionally going there isn't doing anything, I mean I have gone downhill since I've seen her. (all my doing) But still im just not motivated and I just need someone to motivate me someone to really work with me to find what this is doing for me, because the reasons we have found aren't hitting me the way I feel they should. I just feel blah-unphased, thus I don't think they are the only issues---if "being care for, remembered, etc..." is one. I don't even know where to go from here, I don't feel cared for when i go to therapy (I did at the beginning) but now I feel like a project that has to be completed checked off, and I don't want that. I don't think im going next Tuesday.
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I think we have a lot of different sides to us and for me, one of the most difficult things is/was getting the different parts of myself to talk with each other--and understand that they coexist (although not always peacefully).
ReplyDeleteYour writing is incredibly powerful--there is so much rich passion here and I see your different sides getting a chance to speak. I'll be listening.
:)
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