SOOO STRESSED. Not sure wha tto do mostly because I want to quit therapy and do my ED. I called my therapist today and cancelled my next session but when she called me back and told me she had my oh so sacred journal I decided to come one more time. My therapist unfortunately wont abide by my ed, and I and let me see her and do it. I know my eating disorder was in complete control when I called her on my way to work, but really there wasn't another voice in the back of my head worrying about not seeing her again. Yeah don't want to get my blood work done or see a psychiatrist I dont have time. literally. working 6 days a week and luvvvvin it. Things are good in my life: Im loosing weight AND doing well at my job. To me those are the most important. I dont know if its my ED talking, but I don't want to get better... I mean if I could take out the purging and starving and still loose weight i'd do it. Its not the behaviors I feel drawn to, its the results--- the bones, the flexibility, and more carefree attitude about my body. I don't want to look healthy. thats boring. Some people know they look gross when theyre skinny- I oddly (dont know why i do) like it. I'm fascinated by it. To me it looks comfortable, manageable. Speak of the devil there's a girl who just walked by who clearly hasnt eaten in months. She looks restrained and clean-minimalist I love it. Looking at her for just those few seconds managed to make me feel guilty for eating the one chip i popped into my mouth. Ahh the life w/ Ed-- so psychotically predictable. At least w/him i know whats next, there's predictability-patterns-expected results. I have no interest in the world of random chaos and impulse. I'd rather die than live in that world.
I just met for drinks w/ my friend julie and tmold her about the whole therapist shebang. AND she reminded me that I have to tell her what I need. This is what I need: I want her sit close to me every session and to tell me i'm good, i'm enough, and that she cares about me. That's it. I don't need the whole hour- just for her to sit there with me and let me know that everything will be okay. That im okay, and that I always will be. Maybe a hug every once in awhile... Is that a lot to ask?
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