posty post

to say that the last month has been critical is hardly enough said.

I have abstained from writing because I didnt want to feel. I wasnt feeling. was not going to make time for it.
This past week I had some big downs and I started to write because I thought things would be minimized if I were to write them out-- because my writing allows me to look outside 'panic mode' and view a realistic picture. But due to--- lets call it "Zoey" -- I got distracted or really upset mid way through and walked away. needless to say they never made it up here, and im not surprised a bit.

conclusion or deduction I came to this week

I came to this prob 3-4 weeks ago and it was followed by an intense 2-3 weeks of not feeling :) and maybe 30 min of super feeling when I was forced to. My parents are not able nor are going to give me what I feel I need. To no fault of their own, they will never be or be able to give what I feel I deserve, want and need.
................... gah dagger to the chest. That is exactly what I felt like when i came to this, and really believed it. i can confidently say this statement of belief never came to life until a few weeks ago. This feeling hurt immensely deep because my parents are; in my mind, supposed to be everything I need (non-materialistically speaking) and they aren't. I feel conned, lied to; not by them, but by something that told me this message that parents were caretakers. They weren't, and they can't all be-- but I went throughout life until now thinking that there must be something I did to make them unable in some way shape or form to care for me the way I feel I need and desire. The thoughts that follow are horrendous, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, inadequacy. I feel entirely alone. alone in this massively large chaotic scary violent grit tooth n' nail world.

fuck.

I am not cheating by using Ed or Zoey I am leveling the playing field in life, because I finally get these snippets of what life is like for a good deal of people (normals). I am mad that I am condemned for liking it, and told that I cant do it. That last statement just arose, not completely ironed out yet.

My main core of feelings/my main issues trouble me and upset me even shame me because they are so simple. They seem silly to ask for. I get mad not only because i feel ashamed or stupid to ask but because i feel i shouldnt have to ask. I feel others never asked and were still given what they needed. I guess I didnt win on that lottery.

I am mad. I am angry. I really dont know how to feel that- to express it because to me underneath those feelings is someone who is broken- someone who is beyond hurt but caught off guard and hurt, malicously hurt. thats what i feel.