Man there is a lot to say...
My days right now: They're robotic. I do everything the same everyday. Horrible, not any better. Loyalties & subservience just lie to a different object. But woah- "its so much better" because Im not high all the time. Only difference to me is, its less real and obvious to those around me that im hurting.
Hell. The only real difference is now I'll die from something legal.
I talked to my sister for the 1st time in awhile when i first was breaking up w/ "Zoey". And she made a comment that came across to me as
"Mom and Dad did everything that good parents should, and my fiancee and I wouldn't be as lax on everything as they are. I turned out fine I get stressed but i don't get an Ed/S.A. problem over it all"
-that hurt, it meant not only just she still not understand, but the way I took it made me feel as if there is something inherently wrong within me. I am weak. Less than... Not sick enough yet-a couple more pounds to go. Felt immensely invalidated.
It is beyond chemically satisfying to live life "as everyone else does". Having the same type of days over and over, everything is predictable. You wake now eat then go to work after and then sleep---annd REPEAT.
Gosh.
Scuse' me if I aint the 1st on that list!
... But yet, on a late car ride home about 3 weeks back, I remember telling my boyfriend--glancing at him with what little hope I mustered up and saying "I can't wait to just have a boring life and watch the news together". In that moment I wanted it, now I don't--im always wanting whats told to me isn't an option or can't be done. Its tiring.
---but from all this I feel I have 1 new problem- my eating disorder alone no longer can achieve the thin that's acceptable to me alone.Unless I get rid of my eating disorder I will not be able to shake this new found addiction.
Logically it is but time until I relapse on "Zoey".
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