Pointless thoughts

One thing that truly sucks about having an ED is that minutes or even hours can go by where I think about food, or what to eat etc... Like this morning on the way to work I spent the entire 20minutes plus some when at work deciding what I should have to drink. First, in fear that one drink would make me hungry, the other bloated, and the other had calories. The dilemmas- in retrospect so silly but in the moment to entirely important.
I ended up picking a latte, drinking half of it and feeling guilty for the entire work day. Like that one drink would put me over the edge.
Sometimes at work customers will look at me, more than just a glance, and of course my first thought is: "oh they must think im fat, or ugly" "whats wrong w/ me?", followed by "Oh i definitly shouldn't keep down my lunch" or "i definitly cant eat for the rest of the day". But it never ceases to amaze me how un-alone I am in this. I bet 75% of the women that come in and justify their purchase to me- whether its only $1 or $5
"oh I just worked out this is my treat"
"omg this is so heavy i feel like such a fatty"
"Oh hunny this is so good, but your thin I bet you can eat all you want wait till your my age"
"No kids only two toppings this stuff isn't good for you, thats way too much your being gross" <---- (those kids are going to get ed's)
Sometimes working at a yogurt shop makes me think 'oh these people are normal and they eat this' and then I get customers who speak out every eating disorder though possible to me. UGH

Got paid two days ago. First thing I go do. Buy a scale. When I was 14-15-16 I never thought the day would come when I would give away my money to buy a scale versus buying clothes. Albeit clothes come in a strong 2nd place on my list. And of course the scale makes me more neurotic, more intended on loosing weight, and less happy... Great choice me!