Therapy Day :(

i just had what might be the most annoying frustrating therapy session. Everything she was saying I was so uninterested in, and unmotivated by. I told her that my behaviors weren't getting better, and if anything worse and she says "thats not good". Well of course I know that. She followed it up with telling me I needed to find my motivation, and that she knows a part of me wants to get better or else I wouldn't be going to therapy. I know all this, I just wanted to shake her and say "I'm stuck in this ed, i dont know how to get out, I cant make myself want to go out, and despite the fact that a part of me wants to get better there is this immensely strong counterpart that steals the show". She kept on saying "i dont know what its gonna take for you" and I don't either. I'm frustrated I feel like i'm a lost cause, and no one can help me. Yes the obvious I have to help myself, but right now i'm not in a place where I can. I'm on autopilot on the only course I know. I need more. Something isn't clicking, and im not a stupid person, if i could only grab on to what makes me feel so insufficient. Is it possible that some people are meant to live certain lives, show the mistakes not to make? perhaps that is me, and recovery and a normal life isn't meant for me. Perhaps life is too easy being normal I feel like I have to throw in an eating disorder to see if I am really competent. I feel like there is this huge mountain in between me and recovery and honestly i don't think I have the energy to make it to the other side. Just leave me here and let me be an example of the power of an e.d. so no one ever makes the mistake of delving down this one way road to hell.