So I initially about an hour ago took to my computer to post a blog for today but somehow got wrapped up in youtube videos about girls w/ Eating Disorders. from time to time I find myself watching video after video-infatuated w/ the stories and pictures. Ultimately it makes me feel not sick enough--yet. Each day I've been weighing myself, and I've been loosing almost 3-5/lbs a week. It makes me initially happy, but after seeing those videos I obviously feel less than-not good enough again. I really don't know why I do it.
Last night 1. i got a raise and 2. one of the girls i work with told me i needed to gain weight and id look so much better if I gained weight. At first that made me happy-that i was finally noticeably loosing weight. But then paranoia set in- and I went into panic mode on how to hide or justify the weight loss. Right now I don't know what to do or how to do it except keep moving forward in the direction im going in.
I had what was supposed to be my last session w/ my therapist yesterday. I told her what I needed and basically she claimed she had already said those things to me, just not verbatim. I made another appointment mostly because i was scared of making an impulse decision to leave at that moment. I don't want to go, because that means i have to see a psychiatrist and get blood work done GUH. Not interested.