This was an assignment from my therapist. Because I feel cared about, but not for. To me they are two widely different things.
In my life there have been those handful of people that make me feel good-feel enough. And ironically they are the ones who told me I was special-really talented or gifted. I suppose my parents say that from time to time but they're required to. Those "others" aren't--its real. So I guess to me being cared for is to be remembered. Not someone you casually think about but someone who crosses your mind everyday. To be cared for also means to outwardly worry when sick and get excited when doing well. I guess I just want to be special--to someone. Right now i don't feel that way. I feel 'run of the mill'-average-forgettable. my eating disorder allows me to be abnormal, gives me a reason to be thought of-remembered, but I shouldn't have to be sick to get that.
I know what being cared for feels like-because I know i don't feel it now. Its something that makes me feel safe0 I feel completely unsagfe right now. Its makes me feel loved- I feel unlovaeble. It makes me feel worthy- I feel worthless. i want someone to worry about me- I odnt feel like they do outwardly. I want to be okay and enough. I dont feel either of those. I want to be a good person, I want to be missed and longed for. Noen of that I feel. I feel forgettable, mundane, incapable of nothing spectacular. I know i strayed from the topic at hand. I guess being cared for is just one of many needs. I neeed to feel special, loved, worried about, looked up tp, good enough, cared for, and wanted. It sucks. It makes me feel like i have a shallow existence--worth nothing-Important to no one-forgettable-blah-unattractive.
I think that at least if im skinny-enough people will worry about me, realize they should care for me because i may not be around forever. If everyone else hates me despises me at least at the end of the day Ill be able to feel my bones and think well at least im not fat: i can feel my bones .. everything will be okay.
If i'm worried about, i feel like that gives me value. right now npo one worries-outwardly. Thus i feel void of any value. I just want someone to hug me and take care of me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
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