1. My co-worker confided in me that she had made her self sick before (not knowing I had an ed)
2. I have my last appointment tomorrow
3. my favorite lyrics-music
1. So last night I had a friend from work over and we were talking after dinner and she told me that she had made her self throw up before. Well first-REWIND. She walks into my room sees my scale weighs herself and proceeds to freak out. then tells me how she wants to be bulimic. I pretended to be oblivious and told her "no you don't I heard the behavior is really addictive". I didn't know what to say i felt caught off guard. I am not sure if she just thinks I have an eating disorder and so she said that to feel me out, or if it just so happens she has issues about her body and just happened to talk to me about it. Its weird. And it sure as hell felt weird to have someone freak out to me about their body when they had no idea (or so I think) about what im going through. It was weird. After talking to another friend who has an ED and telling her the same story she said that people can guess when those around them have ED's, and that when you get to look a certain way people can deduce that conclusion. And that I don't see my reality, what I look like and that its distorted. That whole conversation made me feel extremely confused, not knowing whether to be worried about a friend who may be plunging into ED behavior or to be paranoid that people around me are suspecting something. Ahhhh!
2. So, yes I am pretty sure that tomorrow at 2pm in La Jolla will be my last appt w/ my therapist. I'm going to fetch my journal say my peace and leave. My peace will include telling her what I need: to be told im cared for, I'm enough and maybe the hug thing. Of course she may say I can do that, but ummmmmm of course you can when i tell you-but then its less genuine and ehh not what I need. Too Little too late Miss Wilson...
Come to think of it, i doubt my departure will affect her at all. It should. I want it too. But since I am 100% sure it won't and she'll sleep soundly and not think a second more about me-it makes me feel all the more confident with my decision. I'm oddly content w/ where I am right now. I like working, and I would rather be working then paying $20 for someone to tell me im fucked up-Duh, already know this. How about she pays me $20 to tell her about how happy I am. That'd be worth it. Well not perfectly happy, but a lot better. I have friends, work and some money, and the obv-loosing weight. So things are good. Will I go back? Meh- probably if I get fired from my job and fall into an abyss of depression and isolation. But I don't think I'll be getting fired anytime soon.
3. I'm not sure many people know this. But music has always done amazing things for me. It makes me happy, sad, It can even make me cry! It allows me to get in touch w/ a lot of what i am feeling. When I find a beautiful song that I can identify with it sometimes makes my heart skip a beat, almost takes my breath away. This song I've included the lyrics to below touches me, makes me feel alive, makes me feel less alone. Included.
"If I Die Young" By The Band Perry
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time
And I’ll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I’ve
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there’s a
Boy here in town says he’ll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time
So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when your dead how people start listenin’
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time
So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
link to music video :
That song is both beautiful and sad, it reminds me of a Gordon Lightfood song that used to make me cry everytime I heard it.
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