the how-to on how to want to "want to" do something

omg my entire post I just wrote got deleted. My motivation and patience to rewrite it are now running on fumes. fml. basically I wrote that I dont know how to want to want to get better. eh nauseous. fuck-taking 5....
i genuinely and whole heartedly want to get better and be without my ed but I cant get past the part where I have to gain weight. I fear this part because i believe that I will be forgotten, not cared about, and deemed okay because I look okay. I dont know where I learned this but telling me the contrary is pointless. I dont know what it will take for me to change this hard wired belief about others and their view of me. But i want it to change. Anyone know a brain surgeon? rewire my brain for me.
I fear that when i look healthy ill look like everyone else and just blend into the melting pot, get lost, be lost. Be insignificant. For so long thats the way I was treated. Before my ed when iw as younger I was never noticed I never felt special I always felt blah. It was only when i acted out and did well in school or something that I got attention was cared about remembered-noticed. So now I feel like I have to do the same thing. it sucks.i dont fear being forgotten about if i die because then atleast I wont have to walk around existing being aware of how less than i am of those who are always noticed, paid attention to- cared about. if this doesnt make sense to anyone thats to be expected but its how i feel. its what ive learned. its how im wired. i took on another negative coping skill bc i dont know how to help myself and as a result have come to terms that this is how life will be for me. I will always have to do something drastic/amazing/noticeable to feel like people care or will care. i cant seem to get their attention otherwise. And atleast with my ed and drugs life is okay. I dont feel as manic. I feel how I feel "normal" people exist. I get a taste of what life is supposed to be like. its my little lucid dream.