Preface: I hesitated on putting this entry in and I feel since I include a lot of other details there is no reason I shouldnt include this.
Seeing Jen was so unexpected. Once I heard someone in the kitchen announce "oh my god is that Jen? Jen!"- my heart sank, I pannicked. I have no idea what else I was feeling other than anxiety, fear, sadness and excitement. Initially the fear is what overpowered me. Right away, all of the sadness over having to leave her returned. Others around me were excited. I- I didnt know how I should have been feeling, my mind told me I should have been happy. I instantly darted back to the other room in the kitchen. I didn't need anything there but I had to escape to collect my thoughts, feelings, and to decide how I was going to act. I returned to the kitchen where everyone was- I felt awkward. I knew I was being standoff'ish. I didnt want to show joy over seeing her, i guess I wanted her to think I didn't care that she was there. Upon reflection, I definitley shut dpown and went back to my old patterns of being afraid and ashamed of my emotions. I pulled and pushed away the one person I really wanted to feel the exact opposite for. I guess I haven't changed my old ways of shutting out people I care about. I know I did the right thing once with her: I told her how much I cared for heer and how much I'd miss her and how important she was to me. Then, when I had the chance to do what I had learned- I crumbled. Maybe it was too soon to see her, or maybe I hadn't mourned the loss of her properly. Maybe, as I said I just thought I was more over it than I thought because I kept her out of sight-out of mind. I wonder more whether I'm supposed to, or if I have to ever forget her completely. Whatever the case I know I see I have more work to do surrounding her loss... Not just because I need to deal with this one situation, so that in the future when I loose someone again I can deal with it in a healthier way. I shouldn't always assume I'll never see the people I loose again because I never know what the future will bring. Perhaps dealing with the loss in such a way that helps me mourn the loss and at the same time be prepared or know how to deal with them if I see them again. Knowing how to handle the situation if I do see them again- knowing how to handle this type of situation in the future is imperative for my state of mind. I say this because last night I hurt so much- I was crushed. All the feeling come rushing back-the feelings surrounding my departure from her. That day- the feelings all rushed back stronger and stronger, almost as if It was happening all over. I know I'll never want to feel a double loss on the same person, no matter who it is.
Is that unrealistic to not want to get hurt by the same person twice? As i write this I am immediatly reminded of the fact that my last therapist: holly- I felt hurt aka I had to loose her twice. I am not sure if that is why this hurts so much. If nothing less, I don't think that the fact that I've been hurt by Holly and my Ex Shane, and now Jen twice.
My natural tendency in the past few years is to find someone (friend/bf/therapist) that is least likely to hurt me. That's probably not aiding in my attachment issues, its probably a loop hole I've found to lower teh chances of getting hurt. I know getting hurt and loosing smeone is inevitable and I still thinking I am trying to manipulate the amount of loss I experience.
So what do I need to do now? How do I face my feelings? Do I work on mourning? DDo I feel the feelings of sadness and fear? Was my reaction normal? It didn't (seeing Jen) effect my recovery or make me want to do anything negative/unhealthy to myself, it just made me feel horrible. I know deep down those feelings are normal, and I am sure I could have acted differently I know I wanted to act differently. I wanted to embrace the fact that she was there, to be happy and be able to show it. I couldn't. I was unable to do the one thing I wanted to deep down-in my heart. That probably- scratch that: definitly attributed to the sadness. The sadness did not just result from seeing her and feeling all those feeling of attachment; care, admiration and connection, it resulted also from seeing my inability to control the way I wanted to feel. Not in the negative way of pushing down the emotions , in the fact that I was unable to show my true emotion surrounding my real feelings. Immediatly I feel scared, I feel less succesful or capable. I thought I was getting better in touch with my emotions. I thought that I had handled the loss of her rather well. Not great. To know I still, or that there are situations that may arise where I can't or fail to show what I am feeling on the insude scares me. Instantly, I wonder if I have a false sense in how I am doing recovery wise. Oh god, I can see myself punishing myself for the failure in this one incidence. It's just one time. Yes, I have some work to do, and just because I slipped up in this one area doesn't mean I have a false sense of success. Dealing with loss, is one of my biggest issues I need to work on.
I've decided that it was totally okay to feel the way I did last night. Yes, it hurt to my core, and now I have so much more information to see where I need to put in some extra work.
::::throat tightened, chest felt crushed and tightened, felt nauseous, felt sadness and fear.
Thank you jen, for teaching me something more, making me aware of what I still need to work on. You did it unconsciously. You taught me so much without even knowing you did, you didn't have to say a word. So thank you for coming last night and most of all for helping me to reign in the ability to come to these conclusions on my own. No sessions, no words- by myself. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment