Thinking about the transition and leaving my therapist-in my initial thoughts I am super scared- wanting to instinctually to try to prevent it. Mostly, because thats what I've always been able to do... Well, atleast some of the time. I am afraid ill be forgotten by my therapist. And I suppose that goes bck to my fear that I will leave this world-whenever that is, and after a day or so people will forget about me forever. That hurts. Sometimes I try so hard to be different-unique and special but then when that person goes away I feel like they never will think about me. That hurts. I think it disturbs me mostly because often the person who Im thinking about I never forget and they always come acrossed in my thoughts one way or another.
I am confused as to whether I am dealing with this impending loss in a more healthy way than in the past. Mostly, because while I have made my feelings know I now find myself telling myself that "this won't be bad" or "that this won't hurt". Not that I am avoiding feeling them. But in a way I feel like I am denying myself of celebrating the relationship. I'm entirely not sure. I want to ideally be able to acknowledge the relationship for all its done for me and how its impacted my life. I also want to enjoy and cherish the time I have left with my therapist. I don't know how- I am almost in effect, paranoid that I am not going to do this whole "dealing with fear of attachment and loosing person deal" correctly. I am entirely afraid that I am still going to be ravaged and that nothing is going to be different. I suppose I know in the back of my mind that I've never or rarely delt loosing something or someone in a healthy way, and I am still scared that I possibly made myself vulnerable for no reason. In fact, now im wondering what im expecting in return from the person by being vulnerable? I think I want to know that they feel the same way or that they keep in contact with me, mostly so I know I haven't been forgotten about. And, that they still think of me from time to time. Because, it hurts so much to my innder core to think and believe that im the only one still thinking about them & cherishing the fond memories. Which i guess goes back to the importance I stress on fairness and equality. Without the equality in life, feelings, relationships and society-- someone or some group is always getting hurt. And right now I believe that person is going to be me. Right now I guess im unable to control my anticipatory feelings about what i am scared I am goin g to loose when I go to the new PHP building and have to change therapists. I have been Ble to do things different in that I've shared my feelings with my therapist. But I cannot help but draw from the past for information on how i'll feel this time. I don't know how to change that mindset. I really want to because I want to enjoy my 'less than a week' i have left. I feel that if im still stuck in the past worrying that the future will resemble it I will fail to enjoy the time I have now. What if it still hurts the same?! What then?! I am terrified.
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