:::Imagining::: what I may feel on a day I lapse
Today I feel overwhelmed by things I feel I should be better at, whether its guilt about not working, overwhelmed with the process of enrolling in school. I am feeling alon whether its physical or emotional. And then the urge comes and I am too beaten down by my emotions that I give in and avoid eating or I binge/purge or purge after eating. With purging, as soon as the act is over I feel I've cheated, I question my strength, dedication and overrall capability to recover. I can see it taking over and leading me to believe my recovery is all over. The act of purging or b/p is so shameful that even if I weren't in recovery its hard to admit to others. Unfortunately, sometimes I have the ability to convince myself nothing ever happened. I know if I am not honest with myself and other the guilt will build up inside, perhaps making that much harder to do the next right thing. So, if I do slip-up I can maintain my recovery by being honest, telling myself and other what I did. I even said myself after my pass home that I would have seen more success in my pass If I had struggled then did the next best thing rather than doing everything perfectly. I felt this because overcoming something and having the strength and honest to get back on track takes far more strenth then doing the same right thing all the time.
Further, I would like to say that perhaps the closest line of perfection would lie in absolute imperfection. Having a struggle; something that challenges you and overcoming it. The stregth it takes to that is admirable and shows an astounding amount of dedication. The failure in my recovery happens when I fail to be honest with myself when I am afraid of the shame. I have a lot to work on in the Shame Department. I am the only one in this situation that is creating the shame around the lapse, thus I have the power to take it away. Recovery is about learning emotions, learning myself and more,learning the ability to conquer struggles while maintaining honest. The biggest lessons learned will be rooted in my moments of struggle not success.
Update: 2/22/12 I love re-reading and writing these journal entries at a later time. the time in which I am re-writing this one is valuable because right now I am struggling and looking at this, seeing and hearing my healthy voice, knowing I can be there... It gives me amazing motivation and inspiration, all from within myself :) i love you healthy micaela !
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