Self Advocacy

1/30/12 10:30pm

Making it a point to make sure my needs are met or at-least vocalized in group has become an increasing problem for me lately. I really did not see this issue growing on my radar. A lot of this forgotten issue (from the past) rooted itself in me the last couple of years unconsciously. I experience such a paradox with thinking I am important enough because when I am struggling I have so much shame (self-created) surrounding my struggles that I sometimes can't vocalize them because I'm afraid of immense judgment and dissipointment (I am not struggling with any behaviors right now that I am ommitting its more of core issues) from peers, staff, family and friends. Yet, on the other end of the spectrum when I am doing well- I make this automatic connection that no one wants to hear from me if I am doing well and that if I am doign well I should not need group and I'm assumed to have the proper tools to process and deal with all my problems alone.

Additionally, I feel selfish for taking up group time especially when there is someone who is struggling and clearly needs attention and care. I see this message enforced all over daily life. Example:

-People at the ER who have chest pains or gun shot wounds have priority and are see 1st before someone who has a less serious problem like a cut, or dehydration.

- In schools, teachers give more and extra attention to the kids who may be struggling and need extra help. It would be rude or unheard of for a teacher to put 1st the child who was excelling over the student struggling.

Here, I get that we all have ED's and we share that equally I just am having a hard time convincing myself that therapists and staff will take as much time and consideration to talk to me about doing this well and my progress versus a client that is having a difficult time. Therapists and staff can easily say that everyone is just as important and deserving as another, and to be blunt and lack of a better phrase: "Actions speak louder than words." They're actions do nothing but show me that there is a clear hierarchy in priority of patients and the level of care and observation towards them.

Prove me wrong, please!

And not just once because thats easy and I don't just want to be proven wrong. If therapists and staff say we are all just as important I want to see evidence on a continual basis, a pattern, that really demonstrates that they're words, promises and considerations are much more; they are real, trusted and proven.

Another issue is that when I hold back and fail to celebrate my accomplishment, they cease to become something to celebrate. I often feel I'm getting this unspoken message that whatever I accomplish isn't enough, and that there is always something more I can do to stand out and in return feel genuinely cared for. As I'm writing all this I keep seeing so many of my core issues pop-up surrounding one small action: talking in group and making space for myself.

The 2 Core Issues are:

1. Feeling like I have to be sick to get any kind of attention. And that people will take time to make sure I am okay and thus I won't be forgotten about (in group) in life.
2. Feeling like if people aren't asking me how I am, when they don't yet the continue to express outward concern to hear from others I think that they (staff) do not care about me. Further, I must care for myself entirely. Thus, there is no room for weakness and emotions. My emotions feel sometimes overwhelming as it is and that feels like a lot to carry. If I am going to be caring for myself alone, and find no space in groups to talk I fear a lot of emotions will come up that feel extreme or unsafe.

I can reasonably counter both beliefs logically in my head, it sjust the the former are my default pattern of thinking and I don't feel I am at the point yet where the following is my default thinking. Just for practice and to begin the engraining process--here it goes:

1. I have heard from clients as well as staff that they want to and enjoy hearing how I am doing. So, it is my job to take the initiative to make sure I speak up about my accomplishments and progress to get my needs met. Also, when people around me are struggling perhaps the attention they are getting is not the attention I want to seek. Not in the sense that its bad but in the way that staff are listening, worried and concerned with those who are struggling. Versus, if I have something to celebrate or want to be proud of- I get a different kind of attention in that people are happy excited and hopeful for me and my recovery process.
2. It is my job to ask for what I need to get my needs met and to feel cared about. Just because staff or clients aren't asking me whats going on in the same manner or volume that they are with others doesn't mean they care for me any less. They just are not mind readers. Perhaps when someone is doing poorly its just easier to see visually via body language. As a person doing well in my recovery I suppose I have to take care the all the care once given to me and take on some of it myself. I can do that by asking others for support and feedback. And if they can meet those needs I vocalize and they are willing and capable of meeeting them, then that act alone of willingness to at least attempt to meet my needs is a direct sign that I am cared for. I need to remember the fact of the matter is that Yes, there are going to be points where I am all alone and I am going to have to be able to have the tools to practice self care, most likely I will always have a support network of family and friends that will be willing and capable of meeting my needs... As long as I vocalize them. My support network can meet me halfway: I vocalize my needs + my support system responds with support. And that is the clearest illustration that I am cared for.