Sometime in December 2011

In every moment things are building up, I feel like I can't escape it. At every turn I amke someone or something hurts me and then it comes out physically in a large emotion usually in response to a seemingly small things. I hate it. I hate-scratch that... Looooathe feeling like my thoughts or feeling are wrong or bad or unjustified. Because of the way I observe groups going, it leads me to be so hesitant to talk because people lash out or attacks other for some of the littlest things and thats something I cannot handle. The smallest attacks make me want to cower and run away. Mostly because I feel I am being judged or misunderstood. I wish were able to handle criticism and comments better. I feel i cant because a lot of the time it hurt soo much. Keeping all this in really makes me feel claustrophobic and trapped which then causes me to freak out and want to get away from it all. Which, in turn effects my recovery adversely because it makes me want to leave here. Because at home (in NY and SD) I can or was able to let it out. And when I let it build up, eventually I cannot take it anymore and I blow up. I dont feel like I am in control of my actions and emotions because at that point-- all the emotions have been mushed up together: the annoying things, hurtful things, frustrating things. So, what comes out matches none of them but is merely a mess of them all. It is confusing to other and frustrating to myself because when something does come out-it doesn't make sense. I am entirely unpredictable, uncontrollable and in the end it makes me feel even worse and bad about myself.