I reacted the way I did the other night because I've been hurt by people: boyfriends-friends-family-therapists. I hate the hurt feeling. The relationships I have now are ones (excluding current therapist) that are not temporary. I hate temporary relationships because they always end. And tog et so close to someone and then know before hand that you are going to get so close to them and you gut out your heart and soul to them.--> Then one day you have to leave them and never see them again. I dont imagine anyone would want to enter into a relationship like that willingly. I wouldnt mind a person in my life who was temporary as long as they dont have a profound impact on my life. But here, I am getting help and ridding myself of a deadly addiction and a ravaging eating disorder. It makes me mad that I have to forget and never see again the one person who is/ was central in changing my life monumentally. I know I do a lot of work here by myself but this treatment, thus (my current therapist) is potentially changing my life forever. It again makes me scared, mad and hurt that I have to do this remarkable thing and leave behind someone who was a part of this unforgettable experience, saving my lufe, my sanity and my dreams. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that day is coming and will always come if I want to live a healthy life. I suppose I see the validity in the argument that "Oh well isnt it better to have had that important and memorable relationshop that never to had had it all." I feel that; this feeling has made me hesitant on going to treatment in the past, is that I must sufffer the loss of an important relationship in exchange for a a chance at living a better life. It seems like I am forced to make the choice of one or another and thats not fair. Then one may say "Life's not fair" and I just want to fall apart, collapse to the ground. I want to push away so I can make life fair. But I know I cannot do that always, and thats why I put up walls, avoid being vulnerable when i sense that I am going to loose someone.
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