Popular Posts

  • Eaters Agreement 1/16/12
    I hereby agree, whole-heartedly to leave my self-destruction in the past to feed my body- knowing I need to do far more than to take care...
  • 1st entry
    I have been an avid journal'er ever since I started treatment for my eating disorder. This will be a place for family and friends to se...
  • Which is the real me?
    Lately Ive been noticing that the person I am when im at home versus at works/with friends is completely diabolically different. At work im...
  • Desensitizing !!!!!
    Mid purge today I thought- "oh my gosh, im still doing this, if I keep doing it, its gonna kill me-why don't I care" ............
  • posty post
    to say that the last month has been critical is hardly enough said. I have abstained from writing because I didnt want to feel. I wasnt feel...
  • December 14th, 2011 Whats on my inside/ what I want to be known for
    I want to be known for making someone feel special, unique, talented and driving other to achieve great things. In highschool and college th...
  • Green/Yellow/Red Flags 2/15/12
    Body Image Green: Thoughts about body image are fleeting and may come up and do not linger or effect my day or behavior. Yellow: Trying on n...
  • Pointless thoughts
    One thing that truly sucks about having an ED is that minutes or even hours can go by where I think about food, or what to eat etc... Like ...
  • 2/5/12 Quotes I identified with from "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"
    "Its a shame that we have to live, but its a tragedy that we only get to live one life" Oskar's Mom: Shyness is when you turn ...
  • Titles are for posts with no UMPH
    Man there is a lot to say... My days right now: They're robotic. I do everything the same everyday. Horrible, not any better. Loyalties ...

Saturday, January 28, 2012

11/22/11 Rainrock


I want to give up this eating disorder so that I can leave this world knowing ive broken its chain-knowing I am capable of such a feat. But I am still not sure if I want to live. I want to accomplish the death of my ED, but I don’t think that necessarily means that I will have the strength left within me to want to exist thereafter. I love my boyfriend, I love my family- But I doubt my ability to exist in the outsidew world without again being drawn into the depths of my addictions. I know that if I were to do that it would hurt-no, devastate those around me and of course myself. I don’t know any different life besides that of destruction. It feels engrained-written in my bones: robbing me of the chance and ability to change. Its also my love-my black love. That is what is destined to kill me.

Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)