Today I am ironically leaving Rainrock on a pass, and as I think about living in a life of recovery, I am filled with immense hope that in these few days while I am gone, I feel I will be able to see what my recovery life will look like down the road. If I eat all my food while I am gone and stay away from my other demons I will really have a great insight- at the very least on what recovery will be like.
I feel I am realistic in the sense that right away in recovery thins wont be totally normal right away. In recovery I believe I'll see a natural decrease in thoughts about food, I'll be able to be present around people and not always be obsessed with when I am goig to eat next or when I can disconnect from my feelings again. To believe that when I leave Rainrock I would be entirely mistaken to think things will be perfect and my Ed etc... will be 100% annihalated. In recovery I believe I will find joy elsewhere: in family, friends and that people and my work or studies will suffice in making me happy or content. I will eventually no longer look to my Ed or something else as my way to be happy. To me, one of the best parts of a recovery like I am looking forward to is: I won't have to live a life full of lies, and that I will be confident and proud of whatever I am pursuing in life. I am happy to let go of the feeling where I hate everything about myself and my life. I cannot wait to feel proud again of the person I am.
In recovery I also envision and am looking forward to being able to have a shitty or triggering things happen without sending myself in a tailspin of self-loathe & destruction.
Beyond the obvious absence of behaviors across the board I am looking forward to being a role model. Before my addictions I always had people who looked up to me and who were inspired by me. I am confident that in a recovery life I will be able to become just that: a role model; instead of an example of the kind of person one would never want to be.
At first glance this asssignment appeared to me as one where I would just list or gloat about a single day in my recovere life, talking merely about the lack of behaviors or obsessive thoughts. To me, a recovered life means so much more. It is not something that just happens overnight or in a few months. This is going to be something I live with for the rest of my life. I know I am never going to be completely 'normal' again but the former is what I believe will be the most important in my recovered life or to me a measure of how strong my recovery truly is. To get rid of behaviors is one thing, and to be able to get back my happiness and confidence is another and will result in a far stronger and poignant impact on my life.
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