Preface: I was supposed to have a phone session with her. I at one point really wanted to, but then felt self-conscious and mean for what I had written. I do not know if reading this to her would have helped my recovery or not. I contemplated what kind of response i would have wanted. I realized I did not expect any response and that was totally okay and even if she had said something- just letting her know would have been enough. But I have a lot of guilt for my feelings.
Holly,
I dont know why i have been so scared to tell you how much of an impact you had me, and how much of a connection I felt with you. In all reality before I came to treatment I never really talked to anyone about my real feelings. And so, when I had you asa therapist and you were so consoling, caring and okay with me as I amit felt almost as if you were my pseudo-mom. I dont know when it happened or how exactly it did. I just know that it scared me to death for the fact that I was going to loose you, that tore my heart into pieces. The former is the main reason I tried to pull away from you & wanted to think and pretended I did not want the connection for whatever reason or another. As much as i tried the connection alreayd had formed in those small moments when you told me you cared about me, let me cry and pushed me when i pushed first. Then when you let the other staff at montecatini make the decision to kick me out: I felt betrayed. I know I did some things to get me kicked out, but some of the things that Iwas blamed for I didn't do. The others that did the same things as me still got to stay. I felt betrayed, I felt that you no longer knew me because no one came to me and asked me what really happened. That hurt, and still does hurt to my very core You did and had a relationship with me that I never had before... And then it was gone.
It made me feel as if you no longer cared or that possibly ou never cared and were a sham. I (to my detriment only) made it a point to try to make you feel as bad and as hurt as I did. So that one day (hoping in a short time) that you would be at my funeral finally regretting your decision and finaly seeing how much you hurt me. At that time you would be hurt just as I had been and finally it would eb equal. As soon as I left Montecatini my only plan was to get sick as possible-which I eventually accomplished- dying three times and reaching my lowest weigh ever. I wished every day that you would see me and care again; seeing how upset I was and finally care again or see the reprecussion for your passive decision. I am still so angry at you. You have no idea what you did to me or how much I hurt.
Do you know how it feels to hate so much the one person you thought you had the strongest and most meaningful connection with?
Have you ever experienced that?
If you had, you would have never let someone you cared for be kicked out when they needed the care so much. If you haven't experienced it before, I hope you know to never do this to someone again. It hurts to be hurt, and it hurts even more to be hurt by you. Most likely, you dont know about any of what I have felt in the past year. I suppose logically there is no way you could have known, and that just sucks. But after reading learning this you will know and I can only hope after learning this you never do this again to someone.
Its necessary for my recovery to inform you and to start forgiving you. I would not wish this on anyone. I am so mad, so hurt- but you still mean the world to me...
Don't forget that.
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