Shutting Down: Prevention (My Guide)

Signs That I am Shutting Down

1. I am ignoring the people who I care about or am afraid of loosing
2. I preend and may vocalise that I don't need the support of the person/s
3. I hold back or lie about how much I really care, hiding emotions and sometimes showing the complete opposite emotion surrounding a person's impending absence.
4. In conversation with said person/persons I often give short or one word answers

How to Prevent Myself From Shutting Down

1. Try to keep telling myself that I will regret not saying how I feel, and I'll loose and it may hurt even more if I shut down. If I shut down I will still experience the pain and loss. Shutting down doesn't prevent the loss no matter what I tell myself.
2. I have to work on not holding back my emotions and what I'm feeling in fear of being vulnerable.
3. Make a gratitude list for the person I am afraid of loosing or shutting down with and share it with them.

What Day Treatment Can do to Help me When This Happens

1. Bring up my feelings about the attachment and fear of loss in group (smaller group of people) where I may be feeling more comfortable.
2. Share my signs of shutting down and putting up walls with the girls/therapists in an effort to make them aware of when I may be shutting down/pushing people away.

How I want Others to Respond

1. Confront me about my behavior that they feel is a sign of me pushing away.
2. Ask me who I am afraid of loosing and why I am wanting to shutdown.
3. Remind me that shutting down isn't going to prevent the loss from happening.

1/10/12

"Maybe good is about developing the capacity to live fully around everything. Our body is our country, the only city, the only village, the only every we will ever know------Maybe being good isnt about getting rid of anything. Maybe good has to do with living in the mess."

- Eve Ensler "The Good Body"

Connections & My Fears

1/8/12

I reacted the way I did the other night because I've been hurt by people: boyfriends-friends-family-therapists. I hate the hurt feeling. The relationships I have now are ones (excluding current therapist) that are not temporary. I hate temporary relationships because they always end. And tog et so close to someone and then know before hand that you are going to get so close to them and you gut out your heart and soul to them.--> Then one day you have to leave them and never see them again. I dont imagine anyone would want to enter into a relationship like that willingly. I wouldnt mind a person in my life who was temporary as long as they dont have a profound impact on my life. But here, I am getting help and ridding myself of a deadly addiction and a ravaging eating disorder. It makes me mad that I have to forget and never see again the one person who is/ was central in changing my life monumentally. I know I do a lot of work here by myself but this treatment, thus (my current therapist) is potentially changing my life forever. It again makes me scared, mad and hurt that I have to do this remarkable thing and leave behind someone who was a part of this unforgettable experience, saving my lufe, my sanity and my dreams. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that day is coming and will always come if I want to live a healthy life. I suppose I see the validity in the argument that "Oh well isnt it better to have had that important and memorable relationshop that never to had had it all." I feel that; this feeling has made me hesitant on going to treatment in the past, is that I must sufffer the loss of an important relationship in exchange for a a chance at living a better life. It seems like I am forced to make the choice of one or another and thats not fair. Then one may say "Life's not fair" and I just want to fall apart, collapse to the ground. I want to push away so I can make life fair. But I know I cannot do that always, and thats why I put up walls, avoid being vulnerable when i sense that I am going to loose someone.

A Day in the Life of Recovery

1/4/12

Today I am ironically leaving Rainrock on a pass, and as I think about living in a life of recovery, I am filled with immense hope that in these few days while I am gone, I feel I will be able to see what my recovery life will look like down the road. If I eat all my food while I am gone and stay away from my other demons I will really have a great insight- at the very least on what recovery will be like.

I feel I am realistic in the sense that right away in recovery thins wont be totally normal right away. In recovery I believe I'll see a natural decrease in thoughts about food, I'll be able to be present around people and not always be obsessed with when I am goig to eat next or when I can disconnect from my feelings again. To believe that when I leave Rainrock I would be entirely mistaken to think things will be perfect and my Ed etc... will be 100% annihalated. In recovery I believe I will find joy elsewhere: in family, friends and that people and my work or studies will suffice in making me happy or content. I will eventually no longer look to my Ed or something else as my way to be happy. To me, one of the best parts of a recovery like I am looking forward to is: I won't have to live a life full of lies, and that I will be confident and proud of whatever I am pursuing in life. I am happy to let go of the feeling where I hate everything about myself and my life. I cannot wait to feel proud again of the person I am.

In recovery I also envision and am looking forward to being able to have a shitty or triggering things happen without sending myself in a tailspin of self-loathe & destruction.

Beyond the obvious absence of behaviors across the board I am looking forward to being a role model. Before my addictions I always had people who looked up to me and who were inspired by me. I am confident that in a recovery life I will be able to become just that: a role model; instead of an example of the kind of person one would never want to be.

At first glance this asssignment appeared to me as one where I would just list or gloat about a single day in my recovere life, talking merely about the lack of behaviors or obsessive thoughts. To me, a recovered life means so much more. It is not something that just happens overnight or in a few months. This is going to be something I live with for the rest of my life. I know I am never going to be completely 'normal' again but the former is what I believe will be the most important in my recovered life or to me a measure of how strong my recovery truly is. To get rid of behaviors is one thing, and to be able to get back my happiness and confidence is another and will result in a far stronger and poignant impact on my life.

New Years Reflection 12-31-11

This whole last year was clouded with I high I never could escape till I came here. New years eve last year I was so out of my mid I was shaking and barely knew what I was doin or wher I was. This past year had had only one real high- which was coming to Rainrock and finally escaping the thing that had me in such a strong hold. I am so embarressed of what I did, how much i lied, and how I treated my family and friends. It makes me sick to think of all that I did. I basically see see it as a year that I lost. A year that I will never get back- ever. I hope this year isnt what defines me but changes me into the person that I know resides deep down inside of me. That is what hurt the most, I know this past year-- i was gone-lost to the days of my Ed. I was simply trying to suffer and now I am because it sucks what I have done to myself and that I stole a whole year, 365 days from family, friends and myself.

Letter to Holly

12/24/11 Shared in Group

Preface: I was supposed to have a phone session with her. I at one point really wanted to, but then felt self-conscious and mean for what I had written. I do not know if reading this to her would have helped my recovery or not. I contemplated what kind of response i would have wanted. I realized I did not expect any response and that was totally okay and even if she had said something- just letting her know would have been enough. But I have a lot of guilt for my feelings.

Holly,

I dont know why i have been so scared to tell you how much of an impact you had me, and how much of a connection I felt with you. In all reality before I came to treatment I never really talked to anyone about my real feelings. And so, when I had you asa therapist and you were so consoling, caring and okay with me as I amit felt almost as if you were my pseudo-mom. I dont know when it happened or how exactly it did. I just know that it scared me to death for the fact that I was going to loose you, that tore my heart into pieces. The former is the main reason I tried to pull away from you & wanted to think and pretended I did not want the connection for whatever reason or another. As much as i tried the connection alreayd had formed in those small moments when you told me you cared about me, let me cry and pushed me when i pushed first. Then when you let the other staff at montecatini make the decision to kick me out: I felt betrayed. I know I did some things to get me kicked out, but some of the things that Iwas blamed for I didn't do. The others that did the same things as me still got to stay. I felt betrayed, I felt that you no longer knew me because no one came to me and asked me what really happened. That hurt, and still does hurt to my very core You did and had a relationship with me that I never had before... And then it was gone.

It made me feel as if you no longer cared or that possibly ou never cared and were a sham. I (to my detriment only) made it a point to try to make you feel as bad and as hurt as I did. So that one day (hoping in a short time) that you would be at my funeral finally regretting your decision and finaly seeing how much you hurt me. At that time you would be hurt just as I had been and finally it would eb equal. As soon as I left Montecatini my only plan was to get sick as possible-which I eventually accomplished- dying three times and reaching my lowest weigh ever. I wished every day that you would see me and care again; seeing how upset I was and finally care again or see the reprecussion for your passive decision. I am still so angry at you. You have no idea what you did to me or how much I hurt.

Do you know how it feels to hate so much the one person you thought you had the strongest and most meaningful connection with?

Have you ever experienced that?

If you had, you would have never let someone you cared for be kicked out when they needed the care so much. If you haven't experienced it before, I hope you know to never do this to someone again. It hurts to be hurt, and it hurts even more to be hurt by you. Most likely, you dont know about any of what I have felt in the past year. I suppose logically there is no way you could have known, and that just sucks. But after reading learning this you will know and I can only hope after learning this you never do this again to someone.

Its necessary for my recovery to inform you and to start forgiving you. I would not wish this on anyone. I am so mad, so hurt- but you still mean the world to me...

Don't forget that.

12/22/11

I have realized that I have a lot of resentment and hurt feelings from the fact that I have felt like I've had to be self sufficient and by myself for a long time. I feel that there has never been or in the past there was never anyone there to provide me with what I need. I dont want to blame anyone- but I am still mad that no one I know has to make hard decisions based on money, that others have parents who are able to meet their needs. In a way it transates to me, in my mind, asa lack of care, because if someone really cared and love me they would find a way to help me. In the back of my mind I know that connection is a poor one. Still, I cannot separate it. This is al;so a big reason I feel I have never felt taken care of. Its hard and frustrating because I dont want anyone to think I am blaming them but I dont know what to do with my feelings.

Hope 12-21-11

Days are crawling

Weeks are flying

Brain is trying trying to keep my mind from lying.

Attempting to get better

Coping by drowning myself in sweaters.

Letters keep coming, keep coming.

It shows me that my loved ones still love.

Caring, caring, I keep trying to care

About me, others, and friends near and there.

Pushing, pushing myself to dare.

Dare to choose life, and push through all my strife.

Each day, each long day, each long arduous day--

I try, I fight to keep Ed at bay.

He is so strong, and our relationship has gone on for so long

Dong! Dong! he's rapping, tapping endlessly at my door.

He's waiting to come in-

Wanting to keep me thin.

I want to do my best, pass-pass, pass the Goodbye Ed test.

Oh, how I loathe his tests, such a pest

I finally have hope he will no longer nest-

No nesting in me, no bringing me to my knees

Please just leave, and leave the best of me.

... I hope.

what it will be like to maintain a healthy weight through normal eating

12-20-2011

In all honestly IO feel that as soon as I meet my goal weigh which I still haven't accepted as acceptable -- The biggest urge I am going to be fighting is restricting because often when we are scheduled to have snacks/meals I am not hungry. So if I have a lapse (which hopefully doesn't turn into a relapse), my biggest feat will be keeping it just so, and not to let it grow back into my full blown eating disorder. I can only hope that at this point that I will enjoy nourishing myself correctly and enjoy having energy, being hapy, being present. My body image has always beem amnd most likely will always be my biggest hurdle in recovery. So, again I hope I learn to accept my healthy weight and try to fopcus on the things the healthy weight gives me, rather than dwellling on how awful it is; which could lead to me manipulating it to the way I want it. I know I have maintained a healthy weight in the past but lurking in my head my body image has felt like a volcano ready to erupt. I have always felt and overwhelming sense of disgust about myself inside and out. I hope this time it will be different and that this time when i leave rainrock or discharge from php my body wont be so important and bothersome.

I can only wish for the best and that hope will find me.

"The more open flexible and forgiving you are with regards to the mistakes you make the less likely you are to feel doomed or defined by them"

December 14th, 2011 Whats on my inside/ what I want to be known for

I want to be known for making someone feel special, unique, talented and driving other to achieve great things. In highschool and college the people who made the most impact on me were those who saw talent in me and took time to get to know me, built trust, and relationships. In turn, I responded to this kindness and genuine care with motivation to work harder. Most often the people I looked up to were teachers and coaches. They made such a profound impact on my life. I looked forward to each day, each practice or each class because of them. In essence, I want to makke sure other people get to recieve the same gift I did. I worked so hard and got so much satisfaction from making these people feel proud, impressed and happy for my success. It felt good when i felt that spark of approval and how proud they were of me. Moreover, i want to be known for being the spark that motivates people- anyone of any age to do amazing things that in turn make them feel proud and good about themselves. Having someone to look up ti s imperative, someone to be motivated by is paramount, and that is what I want to be known for.

December 13th, 2011 "two-weeks-notice"

I am so scared to leave. I just put in my two weeks-notice and I really don't think I am ready 2 leave. I am so scared. Scared that I am going to relapse when I get home or when I am back in San Diego. That makes me so sad. I dont want to have to go to treatment again. I guess the reality of leaving on the 23rd never hit me as being so imminent until i actually had to put in my "2 weeks notice" and when I learned my therapist isnt going to be there my last week. That makes me feel hurt and reminds me of when I left Holly, that hurt so much. I just dont know what to do. My parents are so looking forward to me coming home. I definitly made a huge mistake by telling them to book that flight 2 weeks ago. The emotion i am feeling now is definitly sadness--for myself, and for my future. I just feel so stupid. It hurts in my throat and chest.

** Update: a few days later after talking to my therapist I withdrew my 2 week notice and decided to stay.

Sometime in December 2011

In every moment things are building up, I feel like I can't escape it. At every turn I amke someone or something hurts me and then it comes out physically in a large emotion usually in response to a seemingly small things. I hate it. I hate-scratch that... Looooathe feeling like my thoughts or feeling are wrong or bad or unjustified. Because of the way I observe groups going, it leads me to be so hesitant to talk because people lash out or attacks other for some of the littlest things and thats something I cannot handle. The smallest attacks make me want to cower and run away. Mostly because I feel I am being judged or misunderstood. I wish were able to handle criticism and comments better. I feel i cant because a lot of the time it hurt soo much. Keeping all this in really makes me feel claustrophobic and trapped which then causes me to freak out and want to get away from it all. Which, in turn effects my recovery adversely because it makes me want to leave here. Because at home (in NY and SD) I can or was able to let it out. And when I let it build up, eventually I cannot take it anymore and I blow up. I dont feel like I am in control of my actions and emotions because at that point-- all the emotions have been mushed up together: the annoying things, hurtful things, frustrating things. So, what comes out matches none of them but is merely a mess of them all. It is confusing to other and frustrating to myself because when something does come out-it doesn't make sense. I am entirely unpredictable, uncontrollable and in the end it makes me feel even worse and bad about myself.

Sadness Pt 2 December 2011

I am not sure if I ever feel sadness, if I do its showin in a different emotion physically. Cognitively, I am not sure what sadness is... Correction, I've felt sadness when I have lost people or things- I have felt it, it sucks. It hurts in my stomach and I immediatly blame myself or look inwards in an attempt to understand why im feeling that way. Thus, logically I end up feeling negative about myself in some way. So, logically I avoid sadness as much as possible. I am not really sure hwo else to feel sadness or what to say about it. I know a lot and fel a lot about all other emotions. But with sadness I just physically feel a lot. I have worked so hard to avoid feeling sadness in my realtionships with other people-- and it worked. I am sad very rarely. Which most of the time i feel is good. Also its rare or hard to cry when im sad. Ironically, some of the time it is easy to cry which most people associate with sadness but I cry when I feel angry, frustrated, powerless, or misunderstood. Perhaps, underneath all those emotions is some kind of sadness. I honestly dont know. FML I am already checked out.

Surprise Surprise I'm mad.

This feeling is more frustrating than feeling sad.

I always get scolded for feeling this way.

They claim they understand me,

but they dont ever come close,

no matter what they say.

Guidebook to Micaela:

1. I dont ask for help-it makes me feel weak and like a bad or less than person.

2. I have a hard time correcting or addressing people that I have issues with because

a. I feel I have no place

b. I feel like I'm making a big deal about nothing.

3. When I am sad or hurt I isolate and distance myself from people as a whole as a defense mechanism so I dont get hurt again.

4. I am scared of gaining weight because I fear I won't be sick anymore. I crave to be sick because it makes me special I stand out from being normal. Being normal and healthy scares me. Along with that I am afraid of being forgotten because if I look like everyone else I will be lost in the crowd. Also, I am scared because my ED is an out, I have an excuse if I fail at life. Without my ED if I fail that pressure is all on me and my fault. There's something wrong with me if I fail. I'm also afraid of my set point because when I was last at that weight I was doing mediocre in school and athletic, then when I lost weight I started to excel and stand out academically and athletically.

5. I dont like to talk in group because it makes me feel needy and that I am not important/sick enough and time would be better served focusing on thers because in some way or another they deserve it more.

6. I get frustrated and hurt when people don't/unable to read my mind when I am sad or upset. I feel that if they really cared they would be able to read my mind/know me enough to know something is wrong with me.

You Have the Right to Change and Grow- 12/3/11

I. This bothers me because although I feel that I do have this privilege/right, I often struggle when I am not doing well with my ED and D to believe I have this right or am not meant to have said right. The fact that I have never been able to change and grow may mean that maybe thats not my destiny and that I dont have the tools or something is wrong with me that leads to my incapability to change and grow. Thus, when i go and try to get treatment I am just wasting my time and other's time. Mostly, because I struggle with believing that I am destined to recover. Everything I want to do I can usually do 99% of the time and this is really the 1st time I have failed so hard so many times over to recover.

II. If I were to believe this it would be easier to stay more positive about my recovery thus not leading to failure each time I try to overcome my Ed. I would be better-self-esteem wise if I felt capable and deserving of recovery despite my failures, and that my past failures are just that, in the past. It would make me feel more control in my treatment. it would also make me feel powerful thus destined for recovery. I would believe too, that I have the power to control my future--which I feel I lack entirely now. This i believe would enstill a greater sense of hope, strength and control over my life and my destiny.

Sadness 12/3/11

There's something about sadness that creates feelings of fear and insecurity in me. Sadness makes me:

1. Feel Weak- all the other emotions such as anger, in my eeys dont show weakness and vulnerability like sadness does. Sadness shows I was stupid enough to trust someone or get attached and then it blew up in my face. Makes me wish I never made the connection.

2. Acknowledges that ive been hurt- it reminds me that someone or some incident has hurt me. That mean I had no control over the ability to prevent myself from getting hurt. I hate loosing control. I feel that if I am a good strong person i would have be able to prevent getting hurt. Therefore, when I do get hurt its a reminder that I failed.

3. Makes me feel unloved/not cared about. Most of my sadness is derived from people, and loosing them or not getting what I wanted out of the relationship. So in turn, that loss enforces a core belief that there is something wrong with me that made the person go away. Or if I didn't loose them and they just did something that hurt me it makes me think that I am incapable of being loved. Therefore, again there is something inherently wrong with me. Even more, that this will happen for the rest of my life. I feel then, undeserving or incapable of being fully loved. And, that those who are loved and cared about never experience sadness from a loss of a person because theres something to love about them and not with me.

Much of the Same

I want to calw my eyes out

All these people around me I am starting to doubt.

Do these people really get me?

from what they're saying I just want to flee.

Problems, Problems I feel I create.

This pattern I see I'm really starting to hate.

I am always at fault I'm always wrong.

I am beginning to hate the tune of this song.

I bond with those I feel chemistry and strength

I try to keep those relationships to the longest lengths.

People either get me or not

And those who dont--

our relationship ends like a short sentance

with a dot.

Period. There is not more.

They'll never get to my core.

How my ED is like my DA

I use them both to escape, to exert control on my body because with Ed and DA I am stil trying to loose weight I just prefer the latter because then I dont have to purge; which is shameful to me. They both achieve the attention I seek or rather they both make me feel sick so I feel like I wont be forgotten as long as Im fucked up with an ED or DA. They both serve asa a distraction to being succesful, pursuing my dreams, the stress of bills and life. With both I dont have to think about my life stressors that I normally feel unequipped to handle day to day without using one of the former. I use them also to avoid feeling emotions-all emotions to me are unsafe and painful. The DA is preferential because I feel I can function more and my mind isnt obsessed with all the food and hunger and what my body looks like. With D I focus on when I am going to do it next, how long it will last etc... In essence they both serve as

a. distractions from daily life stressors and emotions/feelings

b. Both keep me sick and make me feel like people wont forget about me. Also, so people wont expect a lot from and that way I won't feel devasted when i fail at something.

11/27/11

Right now I feel this tense feeling in my stomach-it feels like anxiety. It came on soon after dinner. I wasn't struggling with the meal nor was I aware of any anxiety surrounding the food. I was writing down affirmations from a list that I wanted for myself when I noticed the tight feeling in my stomach. Almost at an anxiety attack level. At this moment I still can't shake it. I have no idea where it came from. I think I am partly internally pannicked about having to stay here for awhile. I think it scares me because I am impatient. I dont feel like I am being challenged whatsoever and that frustrates me to no end. Knowing I have to stick around watching all these girls use behaviors unneccesarily @ meals and struggle @ the meals and listen to their complaining about how fat they are--- im gonna go more insane than I already am. I cannot stand it. I feel i am past all that. I feel out of place, its uncomfortable. Maybe thats at the root of my anxiety right now. It feels like a weight-- a huge weight in my stomach that I cant shake or ignore.

Flowers In May 11/26/11

This is new

-And for once not scary.

No longer is ED the man I want to marry.

I fear this feeling will flee

and all alone again I'll be.

In this moment I'm finally feeling the power.

The road to recover nop longer makes me want to cower.

Now, what frightens me the most:

is that my yearning to get better

is quickly going to be toast.

My mind never ever committs.

It ceases to remember fears.

It ceases to remember tears.

I've decided all I can do is look forward.

All I can do is take advantage of each day.

All I can do is--

Pray that my mind always remembers

and my happiness sprouts up

... Like the Flowers in May.

#4/5 Motivations for Recovery

1. To be Happy

2. To be able to pursue my dreams

3. To Dream

4. To be able to Feel

5. To be able to love people in return and show them I care.

6. To be proud of myself

7. To become one of the rare ones who overcame my ED and D.

8. To be special not because of my ED and D but for something special I have done or become.

9. To be inspirational

10. TO want to live-- to want to be in recovery

#3/5 free assignment from Jen

sometime in early December 2011

I am not feeling challenged at all. I really did need to come to residential to break my cycle of restrict/binge/purge and obviously to gain weight. I know I am not done but I already feel 100% better and more motivated about my recovery than I ever have before. The former is why I made teh decision to put in my 2 weeks notice on December 9th. I just feel that a month in residential is a solid amount of time to which I can be stabilized and used to not using behaviors. My gut feeling is that the long I stay in residential robotically eating and staying out of behaviors will only lead me to boredom thus trouble and perhaps yearning for freedom so I can use my ED. I also want to get in the habit of going to AA or NA so I can get used to going to meetings (it seems so hard to convince them that I need to go). That will allow me to work on my other issue of addiction which is just as much of a problem as my ED. I guess this feeling comes mostly from frutrtion. I dont believe as long as things go well that that means I won't relapse. For me to maintain my motivation I need to be constantly challenged. My attention tends to go by the wayside when I am bored or under-challenged and I dont feel like my treatment or learning are tailored uniquely to me.

Challenges I feel are realistic:

1. Attending 2 meetings a week (AA or NA)

2. Lower "observations" after meals and snacks

3. Meals alone

4. Portioning

There is honestly no bullshit here. I am eager to get better and the drive I have to stay in recovery is like no other I've felt before. I just wanna run with that motivation

**** UPDATE: I decided when I had a family session with my parents about coming home for xmas after giving in my 2 weeks notice I realized that I truly was not ready and that I would have just relapsed if I had gone home. I also found out that my therapist was going to be gone the last couple days I would have had at rainrock which all together helped me make the best decision I did throughout my time at rainrock and decided to stay. Things became so much better after. 2nd best decision in my life next to coming to treatment. 1/28/12 MK

Thoughts abour Death & Legacy

Death: Group writing topic Dec, 2011

When I die I believe I don’t go to heaven. I never contemplated it much. I definitely do not believe I go somewhere concrete or tangible. The idea of “me”, myself, Micaela being gone forever has always given me the chills and urked me to my core since I was a little girl. Honestly, I believe that when I die I am gone forever, not existing anywhere. If I were aware that I was going to die, I would tell myself my soul was finally going to be at peace. The idea that exists in my mind stronglu feels that I would be void of existence or occupation of any place.

Legacy

This is the thing that scares me or perhaps saddens me the most about death and even bothers me as I live. I fear so much, almost to my detriment that no one will remember me past a few generations when I die- that is unless I do something that is extraordinary or written in history books for all too see. Only then do I feel like I have left a legacy. The people whom I believe have a legacy are those who have changed the world for better or for worse. I don't exactly envision that happening for myself. Legacy is regal legacy is rare and sacred for those who lead lives that are so vastly unique and hard to come by. With the path I am on now I am not creating a legacy for myself. I dont feel I have the power to create a legacy. I am passively or have passively been killing myself for the past few years, that doesnt usually result in legacy or rememberance--just a short lived life thats forgotten as fast as it was lived.

Assignment #1/5 My choice topic assignment from Jen

Treatment Motivations:

My motivation to get treatment this time feels so vastly different than any other time I have been in treatment (thank god). Oddly, not so much because of the legal trouble I got in but because I have firmly and securely realized that If I were to keep my eating disorderà I am never going to be happy. Yes, I may be able to be skinny and get the attention I feel I need. Yet, forever will I be drained and depressed, ashamed and will lack the desire to live. I will forever punish myself for the talents wasted and lost.

I desperately want this Ed to go away because I want to be happy, not only because it affects me, because it affects my relationships with those I love. I want to love them and be able to show it, for them to feel it- not only do they deserve it but because they have always stood by me with unwavering support for my recovery… They deserve nothing less.

I also want to get better because once again I want to experience pride in my life: I want to pursue my talent in running, and I want to become a teacher. I want to have the potential to effect someone’s life, and dreams the way some teachers did for me. There is something different this time. That alone excites me.

11/22/11 Rainrock

I want to give up this eating disorder so that I can leave this world knowing ive broken its chain-knowing I am capable of such a feat. But I am still not sure if I want to live. I want to accomplish the death of my ED, but I don’t think that necessarily means that I will have the strength left within me to want to exist thereafter. I love my boyfriend, I love my family- But I doubt my ability to exist in the outsidew world without again being drawn into the depths of my addictions. I know that if I were to do that it would hurt-no, devastate those around me and of course myself. I don’t know any different life besides that of destruction. It feels engrained-written in my bones: robbing me of the chance and ability to change. Its also my love-my black love. That is what is destined to kill me.

Soul 11/21/11

What my soul really wants is to be taken care of. All the little things, people who love me, surrounding me making sure I am safe at night, offering me breakfast in the morning. All of those little things kids get from their parents that for some reason or not I never felt I got enough of as a child.

My soul craves to be remembered, not to be forgotten, cherished not abandoned. Those are all things I seek with having my eating disorder. My soul wants friendship[ and longlasting meaningful connections with people. It doesn't want anything extravagant or outlandish... Just something human.

11/12/11 Relationship with Food and People

The biggest overarching connection I have with my food habits and people is that I want the company, the companionship so much. This coincides with my hunger, my deprivation.nThen I deprive myself og a social life almost completely besides my boyfriend or one close friends. Because in the end it has been hard to trust either 100%.

I dont trust 99% of people and dont trust 99% of food in my body. Thus I get rid of the food and stay awa from the people because I dont trust them. My distrust with people runs deeper becausE I never know what they want or what they are going to do with me or how they will treat me and how it will end. Same goes for the food, there is this illogical belief that some or all food is going to do something detrimentally to me or harm me by causing me to gain weight. In the same way I calssify people in the same way I never know what I am going to get-the lack of control and determination of fact is what I crave. I get neither from people or food. I dont have control in both aspects- So i avoid things that lack my complete control and knowledge of what EXACTLY will happen.