Portlandia

2/5/12

I am feeling so much anxiety right now. Immediatly I think its surrounding dinner because I know throughout the day my friend (another client) hasn't eaten her whole meal plan and now going to dinner it makes me so uncomfortable to know an ED is going to be there right with me at the table. I dont think its going to affect my recovery. It is like sitting around one of my old ghosts and that scares me. My ED is gone and someone elses feel like it lingering over me. As I write my heart is beating fast, my throat and my chest are tight. I just wish I could run away from their ED too. It probably doesn;t help that I'm extremely fatigued from today and staying up far too late last night. I don't know if I should feel this way or if I am overreacting. I always question my feelings; doesnt feel to good. Right now, I also have an unread email from Jen on my phone. I am scared to read it. More so than usual because of the other day seeing her. I am scared because I don;t know what she wrote. Was it in response to what I said in my last email? Did she notice my change in behavior when she saw me? If she didn't, why not? Haley noticed and she's my friend. Jen's my old therapist. The harsh side of me would think that therapists should notice that easier. My unhealthy part of my braon tells me that if she didn't notice then that means she or any other therapist/person doesn't care either. I think that someone who cares about me should have noticed my behavior. My thinking is so warped.

Seeing old therapist

2/4/12

Preface: I hesitated on putting this entry in and I feel since I include a lot of other details there is no reason I shouldnt include this.

Seeing Jen was so unexpected. Once I heard someone in the kitchen announce "oh my god is that Jen? Jen!"- my heart sank, I pannicked. I have no idea what else I was feeling other than anxiety, fear, sadness and excitement. Initially the fear is what overpowered me. Right away, all of the sadness over having to leave her returned. Others around me were excited. I- I didnt know how I should have been feeling, my mind told me I should have been happy. I instantly darted back to the other room in the kitchen. I didn't need anything there but I had to escape to collect my thoughts, feelings, and to decide how I was going to act. I returned to the kitchen where everyone was- I felt awkward. I knew I was being standoff'ish. I didnt want to show joy over seeing her, i guess I wanted her to think I didn't care that she was there. Upon reflection, I definitley shut dpown and went back to my old patterns of being afraid and ashamed of my emotions. I pulled and pushed away the one person I really wanted to feel the exact opposite for. I guess I haven't changed my old ways of shutting out people I care about. I know I did the right thing once with her: I told her how much I cared for heer and how much I'd miss her and how important she was to me. Then, when I had the chance to do what I had learned- I crumbled. Maybe it was too soon to see her, or maybe I hadn't mourned the loss of her properly. Maybe, as I said I just thought I was more over it than I thought because I kept her out of sight-out of mind. I wonder more whether I'm supposed to, or if I have to ever forget her completely. Whatever the case I know I see I have more work to do surrounding her loss... Not just because I need to deal with this one situation, so that in the future when I loose someone again I can deal with it in a healthier way. I shouldn't always assume I'll never see the people I loose again because I never know what the future will bring. Perhaps dealing with the loss in such a way that helps me mourn the loss and at the same time be prepared or know how to deal with them if I see them again. Knowing how to handle the situation if I do see them again- knowing how to handle this type of situation in the future is imperative for my state of mind. I say this because last night I hurt so much- I was crushed. All the feeling come rushing back-the feelings surrounding my departure from her. That day- the feelings all rushed back stronger and stronger, almost as if It was happening all over. I know I'll never want to feel a double loss on the same person, no matter who it is.

Is that unrealistic to not want to get hurt by the same person twice? As i write this I am immediatly reminded of the fact that my last therapist: holly- I felt hurt aka I had to loose her twice. I am not sure if that is why this hurts so much. If nothing less, I don't think that the fact that I've been hurt by Holly and my Ex Shane, and now Jen twice.

My natural tendency in the past few years is to find someone (friend/bf/therapist) that is least likely to hurt me. That's probably not aiding in my attachment issues, its probably a loop hole I've found to lower teh chances of getting hurt. I know getting hurt and loosing smeone is inevitable and I still thinking I am trying to manipulate the amount of loss I experience.

So what do I need to do now? How do I face my feelings? Do I work on mourning? DDo I feel the feelings of sadness and fear? Was my reaction normal? It didn't (seeing Jen) effect my recovery or make me want to do anything negative/unhealthy to myself, it just made me feel horrible. I know deep down those feelings are normal, and I am sure I could have acted differently I know I wanted to act differently. I wanted to embrace the fact that she was there, to be happy and be able to show it. I couldn't. I was unable to do the one thing I wanted to deep down-in my heart. That probably- scratch that: definitly attributed to the sadness. The sadness did not just result from seeing her and feeling all those feeling of attachment; care, admiration and connection, it resulted also from seeing my inability to control the way I wanted to feel. Not in the negative way of pushing down the emotions , in the fact that I was unable to show my true emotion surrounding my real feelings. Immediatly I feel scared, I feel less succesful or capable. I thought I was getting better in touch with my emotions. I thought that I had handled the loss of her rather well. Not great. To know I still, or that there are situations that may arise where I can't or fail to show what I am feeling on the insude scares me. Instantly, I wonder if I have a false sense in how I am doing recovery wise. Oh god, I can see myself punishing myself for the failure in this one incidence. It's just one time. Yes, I have some work to do, and just because I slipped up in this one area doesn't mean I have a false sense of success. Dealing with loss, is one of my biggest issues I need to work on.

I've decided that it was totally okay to feel the way I did last night. Yes, it hurt to my core, and now I have so much more information to see where I need to put in some extra work.

::::throat tightened, chest felt crushed and tightened, felt nauseous, felt sadness and fear.

Thank you jen, for teaching me something more, making me aware of what I still need to work on. You did it unconsciously. You taught me so much without even knowing you did, you didn't have to say a word. So thank you for coming last night and most of all for helping me to reign in the ability to come to these conclusions on my own. No sessions, no words- by myself. :)

Healthy Lifestyle Project 2/3/12

Take flight or loose sight

things used to be black or white.

White was right black was bad,

thinking that way took away everything I had.

Life now exists in all colors of the rainbow.

There's blues, violets, yellows-from what I know.

I no longer feel like a lover scorned.

In a way I feel entirely reborn.

New to this life-no daily strife.

Smells, sights lights are new

cropping up like the morning dew.

I'm looking- eyes wide open to my future ahead.

I no longer see the world and want to be dead.

I made, I laid, I paved my path ahead.

You won't find me hovering over the cliff's ledge.

Instead, Instead I look out on my life-

kick away the dagger, throw away the knife.

My grip of fear is no longer that tight.

I'm now entranced; I dance with my inner light-

try-try-try as I might

the ony way to live my life is to:

close my eyes, take a big sigh

... I'll fly

The day of the horrible no-good very bad day (envisioning a day I have a lapse)

2/3/12

:::Imagining::: what I may feel on a day I lapse

Today I feel overwhelmed by things I feel I should be better at, whether its guilt about not working, overwhelmed with the process of enrolling in school. I am feeling alon whether its physical or emotional. And then the urge comes and I am too beaten down by my emotions that I give in and avoid eating or I binge/purge or purge after eating. With purging, as soon as the act is over I feel I've cheated, I question my strength, dedication and overrall capability to recover. I can see it taking over and leading me to believe my recovery is all over. The act of purging or b/p is so shameful that even if I weren't in recovery its hard to admit to others. Unfortunately, sometimes I have the ability to convince myself nothing ever happened. I know if I am not honest with myself and other the guilt will build up inside, perhaps making that much harder to do the next right thing. So, if I do slip-up I can maintain my recovery by being honest, telling myself and other what I did. I even said myself after my pass home that I would have seen more success in my pass If I had struggled then did the next best thing rather than doing everything perfectly. I felt this because overcoming something and having the strength and honest to get back on track takes far more strenth then doing the same right thing all the time.

Further, I would like to say that perhaps the closest line of perfection would lie in absolute imperfection. Having a struggle; something that challenges you and overcoming it. The stregth it takes to that is admirable and shows an astounding amount of dedication. The failure in my recovery happens when I fail to be honest with myself when I am afraid of the shame. I have a lot to work on in the Shame Department. I am the only one in this situation that is creating the shame around the lapse, thus I have the power to take it away. Recovery is about learning emotions, learning myself and more,learning the ability to conquer struggles while maintaining honest. The biggest lessons learned will be rooted in my moments of struggle not success.

Update: 2/22/12 I love re-reading and writing these journal entries at a later time. the time in which I am re-writing this one is valuable because right now I am struggling and looking at this, seeing and hearing my healthy voice, knowing I can be there... It gives me amazing motivation and inspiration, all from within myself :) i love you healthy micaela !

Why Celebrate My Successesi

2/1/12

My healthy self knows that it is imperative that I learn, practice celebrating and postively acknowledge the hard work I have done. Interestingly that is what I am seeking in accomplishing things, that feeling of knowing i've done a good job in something. I have denied myself of this for so long. I believe that the fact that I never let myself feel proud for things I have done has in turn directly influenced the creation of a never ending & unattainable goals. I have the tendency of reaching a goal and then not celebrating it. I do this because I unconsciously believe that I still need to get better and that my goal is never enough. I realize that I need to celebrate my accomplishments to have goals that are attainable, that I can see or verbalize. All in an effort to prevent my goals from being unattainable.

To help with this I should:

1. (weekly or so) write down goals, NOT "to-do lists", of things I was to acheive that week and then if I succeed-journal about it and share in group to practice celebration.

2. It is also important for me to recognize that by celebrating my achievement it may make me feel good about myself. It's already a widespread fact that I am beyond insecure. Perhaps, taking the time to allow myself to feel pride about my accomplishments will without a doubt make me feel better about myself- versus having ever increasing goals and standards for myself. I know I will always want to try to find a way I can do something better. That line of thinking often makes me feel like a failure; which of course adversely effects my self-esteem.

A. I can work towards feel better by following step 1 and in my sharing with a group or therapist (or aloud to myself) postively affirm my goals and how it makes me feel as a person when i do complete them.

B. Also, talking to my innerself and thanking myself: mind & body for achieving the goals I set out to complete (in the same way I would with a friend).

I lastly want to work on celebrating my successes because:

• I believe that if I take the time to enjoy and revel in my accomplishments then perhaps I won't be dwelling on my fears of relapse as much. Right now the fear of a "lapse" is potentially at a point where I am anticipating a mess-up so much. a) because I dont believe I'm good enough or smart enough to have a perfect recovery b) People rarely have perfect-no, perfect recovery doesn't exist. c) This was so hard the last time in treatment, I cannot be so naive as to believe that it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
• I believe that by celebrating my progress (or even acknowledging it) I am in a sense diverting my attention to the positive aspects of recovery and not just sitting around waiting for the horrible part to come. Further, by focusing more on what I'm accomplishing, I believe a lot of the power and fear surrounding a lapse will decrease. The best way to carry this out is by:

1. Being cognizant of when I am getting fearful of failing. Then, when I'm realizing I am being to anticipatory about potential downfalls in my recovery; pull out my journal and either look at my most recent accomplishments and say them aloud, call my parents to talk to them about what I have done or write out an affirmation of my accomplishment and put it on my wall as a reminder of what i've achieved.

I am aware that when I'm down, or feeling not good enough because I dont think I'm accomplishing anything. Or even, if I feel crippled by a potential impending lapse I will have some visual proof of all I have done and way to reiterate how well I am doing. Therefore, allowing myself to feel good instead of beating myself up is one of the keys to my recovery.

Why Progress Doesn't Mean I am Less Important

1/31/12

I am fully cognitively aware that there is no logical connection between doing well and needing less attention. In fact, I know generally that when I do well in work or school etc.. I get attention via praise. I have a hard time feeling the same way about treatment where the philosophy seems to be that we come in sick and the point is to get better and then leave. In school; for example if you do poorly you are more apt to leave or quit versus doing well- you continue on in your studies.

Another fear that makes me or translates into me not wanting to talk about my successes is that:

• I have a really hard time saying and acknowledging or celebrating my successes and accomplishments in life. So, due to that issue I may be tricking myself into thinking that none of my triumphs are good enough to talk about or acknowledge.
• I am afraid I will come across as bragging and that people will get sick of hearing how well I am doing. A big part of my issues surround the fact that I care so much about what people think of me (insecure).
• I'm also afraid if I start talking about successes all the time (black and white thinking) that I won't be able to stop and people will become annoyed with me. In turn I will be taking away valuable time from those who are struggling and really need extra time in group to talk.

In essence, I feel that in sharing things I'm doing well and my progress in turn I will be robbing other of their time. In a way that I need to earn my time to talk by being super emotional or extremely upset about something or struggling. This is so confusin because this belief I have makes so much sense in some aspects and no sense in others.

Unfortunately this idea that my issues, my problems and my stuff is less importan t than others does not reside just in treatment. It shows up in so many aspects of my life which is why this core belief is something I really need to work on changing.

I know deep down that there is some middle ground where I can cherish and celebrate and share my successes with others. And, at the same time get my needs met by feeling I can share my successes with others. I also need to; within myself, practice celebrating my successes. I don't know how to do that. My tendency is to find reasons and ways I could have done it better. To think if I celebrate it I am being ignorant and settling for less. Further, that if I celebrate a certain level of success that I'll be stuck on that level of achievement because my brain makes this connection that if I acknowledge a certain level of progress it means that level is enough or okay. That the level i celebrate will be the highest I can go and thus I will never achieve anything beyond that point... Its exhausting-never reaching goals, never doing enough and therefore never good enough in anything. I really need peer feedback on how I can acknowledge my accomplishments, so that when they do occur I can enjoy them and at the same time not feeling stuck and having fluidity in my goals and dreams.

ABCD Chart

Action

Making comment to client that she has been going out with people a lot of the nights here and that it would be fair to let someone else have the chance to get out.

Belief

1. I am a mean insensitive bitch who never thinks about what I say before saying it.
2. People don't connect with me or don't want to because eventually I say something mean or venemous to hurt the person.
3. I am a selfish person who is manipulative and only care about my feelings and I shouldn't make friends because im ingenuine and going to hurt everyone

Consequences

• Emotional: Feel like I was a mean person, insecure, scared, out of control, self-conscious, nervous, increased heart rate, wanted to isolate and push away. I felt I didn't deserve hanging out with the girls.
• Behavioral: Talked to peers to see if I was being insensitive, avoided seeing the client and talking to her. Clung on to other peers I felt safe with as a way to validate to myself that I am not unwanted.

Disengaging Beliefs

• Client could have been upset with more than just want I said. If there room in the car then it is okay for me to go. This situation is temporary and will blow over. I know I am not always insensitive. I know I'm not always insensitive, I know I am caring. I shouldn't waste energy being upset based on assumptions especially without talking to the client myself.

Self Advocacy

1/30/12 10:30pm

Making it a point to make sure my needs are met or at-least vocalized in group has become an increasing problem for me lately. I really did not see this issue growing on my radar. A lot of this forgotten issue (from the past) rooted itself in me the last couple of years unconsciously. I experience such a paradox with thinking I am important enough because when I am struggling I have so much shame (self-created) surrounding my struggles that I sometimes can't vocalize them because I'm afraid of immense judgment and dissipointment (I am not struggling with any behaviors right now that I am ommitting its more of core issues) from peers, staff, family and friends. Yet, on the other end of the spectrum when I am doing well- I make this automatic connection that no one wants to hear from me if I am doing well and that if I am doign well I should not need group and I'm assumed to have the proper tools to process and deal with all my problems alone.

Additionally, I feel selfish for taking up group time especially when there is someone who is struggling and clearly needs attention and care. I see this message enforced all over daily life. Example:

-People at the ER who have chest pains or gun shot wounds have priority and are see 1st before someone who has a less serious problem like a cut, or dehydration.

- In schools, teachers give more and extra attention to the kids who may be struggling and need extra help. It would be rude or unheard of for a teacher to put 1st the child who was excelling over the student struggling.

Here, I get that we all have ED's and we share that equally I just am having a hard time convincing myself that therapists and staff will take as much time and consideration to talk to me about doing this well and my progress versus a client that is having a difficult time. Therapists and staff can easily say that everyone is just as important and deserving as another, and to be blunt and lack of a better phrase: "Actions speak louder than words." They're actions do nothing but show me that there is a clear hierarchy in priority of patients and the level of care and observation towards them.

Prove me wrong, please!

And not just once because thats easy and I don't just want to be proven wrong. If therapists and staff say we are all just as important I want to see evidence on a continual basis, a pattern, that really demonstrates that they're words, promises and considerations are much more; they are real, trusted and proven.

Another issue is that when I hold back and fail to celebrate my accomplishment, they cease to become something to celebrate. I often feel I'm getting this unspoken message that whatever I accomplish isn't enough, and that there is always something more I can do to stand out and in return feel genuinely cared for. As I'm writing all this I keep seeing so many of my core issues pop-up surrounding one small action: talking in group and making space for myself.

The 2 Core Issues are:

1. Feeling like I have to be sick to get any kind of attention. And that people will take time to make sure I am okay and thus I won't be forgotten about (in group) in life.
2. Feeling like if people aren't asking me how I am, when they don't yet the continue to express outward concern to hear from others I think that they (staff) do not care about me. Further, I must care for myself entirely. Thus, there is no room for weakness and emotions. My emotions feel sometimes overwhelming as it is and that feels like a lot to carry. If I am going to be caring for myself alone, and find no space in groups to talk I fear a lot of emotions will come up that feel extreme or unsafe.

I can reasonably counter both beliefs logically in my head, it sjust the the former are my default pattern of thinking and I don't feel I am at the point yet where the following is my default thinking. Just for practice and to begin the engraining process--here it goes:

1. I have heard from clients as well as staff that they want to and enjoy hearing how I am doing. So, it is my job to take the initiative to make sure I speak up about my accomplishments and progress to get my needs met. Also, when people around me are struggling perhaps the attention they are getting is not the attention I want to seek. Not in the sense that its bad but in the way that staff are listening, worried and concerned with those who are struggling. Versus, if I have something to celebrate or want to be proud of- I get a different kind of attention in that people are happy excited and hopeful for me and my recovery process.
2. It is my job to ask for what I need to get my needs met and to feel cared about. Just because staff or clients aren't asking me whats going on in the same manner or volume that they are with others doesn't mean they care for me any less. They just are not mind readers. Perhaps when someone is doing poorly its just easier to see visually via body language. As a person doing well in my recovery I suppose I have to take care the all the care once given to me and take on some of it myself. I can do that by asking others for support and feedback. And if they can meet those needs I vocalize and they are willing and capable of meeeting them, then that act alone of willingness to at least attempt to meet my needs is a direct sign that I am cared for. I need to remember the fact of the matter is that Yes, there are going to be points where I am all alone and I am going to have to be able to have the tools to practice self care, most likely I will always have a support network of family and friends that will be willing and capable of meeting my needs... As long as I vocalize them. My support network can meet me halfway: I vocalize my needs + my support system responds with support. And that is the clearest illustration that I am cared for.

Quotes

I am reading this book right now called "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer and the following quotes are things that really resonated with me and my journey towards recovery.

(main character Oskar is talking to and old man who lives in the apartment above him. The old man has a collection of people from history who are significant and has a card for each with one word to describe them)

Mr. Black (older man): "What makes you think it is good to be in here?"

Oskar: "Because it means you're biographically significant""

Mr. Black: " 9 out of 10 significant people in the world have to do with money or war"

This really resonated with me because one of my fears is that I will be forgotten and I am scared that when I die people will forget about me, thus feeling like my life is unsignificant. This quote gives me a lot of perspective.

(In this next quote Oskar is having a conversation with his dad about how he wants to be remembered in life and after)

Oskar: "Im talking about the problem of how insignificant we are"

Dad: "Well what would happen if a plane dropped you in the middle of the Sahara desert and you picked up a single grain of sand with a pair of tweezers and moved it 1 millimeter-- What would that mean?"

Oskar: "That I moved a grain of sand?"

Dad: "which would mena you changed the Sahara desert."

Oskar: "So?...."

Dad: "So! The Sahara is a vast desert and it has existed for a million years-And you changed it"

Oskar: "Which means?"

Dad: "If you hadn't done it, human history would've been one way"

Oskar: "I changed the course of human history!!"

This, like the 1st quote was one that made me feel that when I am worrying about being so insignificant in the grand scheme of things there are little ways that I could change the course of human history :)

Soul Part 2 "Ecosoulsystem"

1/28/12

Its strange although perfect to be getting this assignment right now. A month (or so) ago I wrote about my soul. Even though at that time I wasn't where I am now; recovery wise I still believed that whats inside of me is my soul and that has remained relatively the same. That fact assures me that I do have a real idea of what my soul is. It never goes away even when I am sick.

Woah... Even as I pick through words to choose to describe such an intangible, unworldly thing like the soul is I feel I am failing to pick the adequate term. But strong, resiliant and wise seems to fit as well as a linguistic term can against something as complex as a soul. I feel I have been through so-so much. It's hard for me still to talk positively of myself. I have to say with what I've been through and where I am now there is no way my soul is anything but strong, resiliant and wise. I would like to think everyone has a vastly different soul, even if the words to describe them are the same. I am not sure that many people could walk in my shoes and still be:

A. Alive

B. Be in Recovery

C. Be optimistic about the future.

Perhaps, I'm underestimating others. I feel lucky to have this inner strength to come back from all I have lived for the past 7 years.

My soul is also sensitive and caring. I am not the only one who knows that this part of my soul is the part I'm most scared of. My soul is in-tune with the emotions and energy from the people I am surrounded by. In turn, I'm so easily affected by others and their actions whether negative or positive (I'll call this being sensitive). To my detriment sometimes I care too much-the wrong kind of caring. I know I'm a caring person and at the same time I confuse the caring for myself and other into caring about what other people think in an effort to care for myself. That mistake in a large way cost me the last 7 years of my life. I believe a large part in making this mistake occurred when I realized or though that my soul wasn't aligned; that there was no way I could at the same time be strong and resilient and wise along with my caring & sensitive side. I feel that perhaps when I realized and saw my soul--myself as having 2 inner conflicting selves that in order to be a productive human being (whatever that means), I would have to choose 1 or the other. The idea seemed unfathomable and almost unimaginable that I, Micaela could be both strong, sensitive, wise and caring. I'm slowly starting to realize that to be successful I need to incorporate all components of myself and none should be ignored. None are incompatible with another. They all work together no matter the vast differences they have between each other. What's more, it is those differences that fit together and create/result in the best me possible. It is no wonder I have been lost, wandered off the beaten path, my path, my destiny for so long. If I deny my strong side the feelings may overtake me. If I ignore my caring side, I'll be living a very lonely life. I need to be sensitive to my needs and other's feelings not only to be caring but resilient when I fall down. If I am not in touch with what I need I won't be able to pick myself back up. Being strong necessitates being in touch with my emotions. If, I am bottling them up all the time-- I am in fact not strong, I'm the complete opposite: I'm, fragile; at any point one incident, one word, one feeling could send me over the edge-- I could shatter. In a cyclical, symbiotic way each part of my soul: strong, resilient, sensitive, and caring, all depend on the other parts of my soul to ensure their life. If one goes it effects the rest like dominoes and my entire soul comes tumbling down. My soul is like a balanced ecosystem: each facet grows naturally and to ensure my soul shines within me and outward I have to accept all that's inside me. I can't pick out parts that seem incongruent and everything that's inside is meant to be just as it is. Strong, resilient, sensitive, and caring- that is my ecosoulsystem :)

What My Food Struggles Will Look Like at Home

1/28/12

At home my food struggles will appear most when I am dealing with stressors like thinking about school, getting a job, and dealing with finances.

Those are the things that may trigger me the most. It will also be harder for me when I am at home alone with all my food and all my thoughts. This is because when I am alone a lot more of my thoughts become louder and harder to ignore because there are less distractions. Even writing and thinking about all this makes me super nervous. I can feel it in my stomach. I'm hoping that nervousness is normal and that its merely an indicator that I care about my recovery. Ugh.

Food struggles will mostly crop up when I'm alone in myself and have nothing to take my mind elsewhere. Thus, the biggest tool in remaining in recovery will bve to be able to entertain my mind and myself when I'm alone. All in an effort to stay out of my negative thoughts; which have the tendency and capability to turn me to m,y ED when I feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed in my mind.

The scary things about having struggles at home will be that I am going to be so scared to let myself and other people down after doing so well in the past month. I don't wan't to let people down. So, if something does happen I'm afraid I may not have the strength to reach out to my boyfriend and familing and tell them I'm not doing well. I feel that as long as I have a treatment team I feel I'll be able to be honest with them because they understand that my recovery isn't going to be perfect.

My biggest enemy is myself. I have the ability when I'm alone to fall into such a deep hole that I may never be able to climb myself out of.

My struggles also will first only exist in my head. The problem lies in whether I have the ability to confine them to my head. I am scared of at one point that the thoughts will become stronger--too much for me to handle-leading me to possibly giving in. From there, the 1st time I mess up or relapse I fear I will blame myself -feeling like a total failure and sening myself in a tailspin resulting in complete relapse.

I dont know how to do just "okay" in anything. I have to do it perfectly or I feel I cannot or that there is no reason to do it in the first place. Thus, the biggest struggle at home will reside when I have a relapse and whenther I am able to do the next right thing and assure myself that slips and lapses do not ruin my recovery. Further, what does is my inability to do the next right thing. I need to remember to look at the big picture in my recovery rather than the small stuff. Each day is always a chance for a new beginning and just because, or if I have a day where I lapse: restricting, binging or purging---- It wont be the end of the world as long as the next time I have a chance to do the right thing I do just that. One of my deep fears is that a lapse will turn into a relapse and the pattern of self-destruction will be unavoidable. I know it's a fear I have to change. I cannot live in fear, I've just got to prevent lapses happening altogether or doing the next right thing after it happens. Also, not letting the occasional slip-up make me feel entirely incapable of recovery. I need to hold on to new beginnings and not just looking at my recovery as black and white, perfect or predictable.

Transition to PHP day

1/16/12

Thinking about the transition and leaving my therapist-in my initial thoughts I am super scared- wanting to instinctually to try to prevent it. Mostly, because thats what I've always been able to do... Well, atleast some of the time. I am afraid ill be forgotten by my therapist. And I suppose that goes bck to my fear that I will leave this world-whenever that is, and after a day or so people will forget about me forever. That hurts. Sometimes I try so hard to be different-unique and special but then when that person goes away I feel like they never will think about me. That hurts. I think it disturbs me mostly because often the person who Im thinking about I never forget and they always come acrossed in my thoughts one way or another.

I am confused as to whether I am dealing with this impending loss in a more healthy way than in the past. Mostly, because while I have made my feelings know I now find myself telling myself that "this won't be bad" or "that this won't hurt". Not that I am avoiding feeling them. But in a way I feel like I am denying myself of celebrating the relationship. I'm entirely not sure. I want to ideally be able to acknowledge the relationship for all its done for me and how its impacted my life. I also want to enjoy and cherish the time I have left with my therapist. I don't know how- I am almost in effect, paranoid that I am not going to do this whole "dealing with fear of attachment and loosing person deal" correctly. I am entirely afraid that I am still going to be ravaged and that nothing is going to be different. I suppose I know in the back of my mind that I've never or rarely delt loosing something or someone in a healthy way, and I am still scared that I possibly made myself vulnerable for no reason. In fact, now im wondering what im expecting in return from the person by being vulnerable? I think I want to know that they feel the same way or that they keep in contact with me, mostly so I know I haven't been forgotten about. And, that they still think of me from time to time. Because, it hurts so much to my innder core to think and believe that im the only one still thinking about them & cherishing the fond memories. Which i guess goes back to the importance I stress on fairness and equality. Without the equality in life, feelings, relationships and society-- someone or some group is always getting hurt. And right now I believe that person is going to be me. Right now I guess im unable to control my anticipatory feelings about what i am scared I am goin g to loose when I go to the new PHP building and have to change therapists. I have been Ble to do things different in that I've shared my feelings with my therapist. But I cannot help but draw from the past for information on how i'll feel this time. I don't know how to change that mindset. I really want to because I want to enjoy my 'less than a week' i have left. I feel that if im still stuck in the past worrying that the future will resemble it I will fail to enjoy the time I have now. What if it still hurts the same?! What then?! I am terrified.

Eaters Agreement 1/16/12

I hereby agree, whole-heartedly to leave my self-destruction in the past to feed my body- knowing I need to do far more than to take care of my body: I need to feel my feelings, without shame and avoidance. I acknowledge that if I fail to nourish myself I will be unhealthy in body and mind.

I agree to acknowledge my needs and vocalize them. My needs are never too much. I agree to reach out to loved ones, and myself to ensure that I feel whole, cared about and loved. Through nourishing myself: body and soul I agree to fully participate in socierty and pursie my dreams.

I accept that perfections is unattainable and that my body and accomplishments will be my own and thererfore unique and special merely because they are my own. In pursuit of a happy and fulfilling lige I acknowledge that all feelings are valid: sad, happy, angry, frustrated and upset. I will make my best effort to not let the people I cherish and love go without knowing how much I care about them. And I will do my best to not avoid telling them I care merely because of the fear ogf getting hurt and being vulnerable. I agree to be vulnerable in relationships because I know blocking them out will only result ina deeper pain and heartache.

Moreover, I agree to fulfill my mind and bodis needs to ensure life, happiness and joy. BY nourishing myself I'm agreeing to continue my life here on Earth.

I now take the next best step in life by more than just eating to ensure that I lead a fulfilling life, and celebrate my existence... Starting today and each day forth.