its official

Yup so want to die-I'm definitly the worst person to walk the planet-I fuck up everything that is good- I don't deserve anything/anyone.

Feeling Down

Today was an okay day. Nothing bad or out of the ordinary happened. I just can't get away from my ED. I starve then I eat then purge. Its an endless cycle of complete depletion and then paranoia from having food in me. I think im feeling sad. I say think because Im not totally sure. I feel like im missing something-someone. My mom was going to come out to visit me but surprise surprise looks like she won't be able to--- $$ reasons. ALWAYS. I just want someone here for me. It sucks.
On a lighter note, my sister just got engaged! I am really excited for her. But my first two thoughts were 1. I wonder where I'd be w/ Thomas if my ED hadn't taken control and 2. I wonder if I will be alive this time next year for the wedding...

Oh what women say

So I'm at work ringing someone up, and the woman who is w/ her kids and husband puts her yogurt on the scale and says "This is how a real woman eats" OMFG. really? really? I get it. But man to say that in front of your kids and to other people is utterly frustrating not only are her girls going to grow up w/ a fucked up message about women and food-but is she stuck in the 1950's?! This is why girls suffer so much because other women perpetuate the message that we should be wafe thin and deserve only what is absolutely necessary to survive IF THAT! Okay I'm done.

Secondly, I watched the documentary "Thin" on Youtube last night its about a bunch of women at a ED clinic in Florida. It made me feel like less of a freak because there one of the girls gets kicked out for bad behavior and being a "ring leader" (Mirror image of my story). But the part that irked me the most was when the treatment team was talking about her calling her a 'bad seed' 'not a good person' and not to be trusted. That was like a punch to the stomach to me, because I realized many a people have most likely spoke of me that way. That hurts--- a lot. And validates my beliefs that there is something inherently less than or bad about me.

Third. My friend Nicole is going to get clean in NY this week and then supposedly coming out to SD. I told her she could stay w/ me because she is my other half, and I the only person I really love and I feel loves me. I am going to try to get her a job where I work, I Just hope the guy i rent from doesn't mind. I want to be there for her, and this is one way I know how. Of course it won't be good for my ED but that is the last thing on my mind.

I had the weirdest dream last night. 1. I was in treatment 2. Robert Downey Jr was our therapist and my friend Nicole was there singing and I was curled up next to her and I was bawling. As if a girl pouring her heart out is the only thing that can make me cry. I remember listening to her and him thinking omg maybe I can get better, maybe this treatment will work. I then woke up w/immense back pain w/ tears falling down my cheek. Just a dream.

So I initially about an hour ago took to my computer to post a blog for today but somehow got wrapped up in youtube videos about girls w/ Eating Disorders. from time to time I find myself watching video after video-infatuated w/ the stories and pictures. Ultimately it makes me feel not sick enough--yet. Each day I've been weighing myself, and I've been loosing almost 3-5/lbs a week. It makes me initially happy, but after seeing those videos I obviously feel less than-not good enough again. I really don't know why I do it.
Last night 1. i got a raise and 2. one of the girls i work with told me i needed to gain weight and id look so much better if I gained weight. At first that made me happy-that i was finally noticeably loosing weight. But then paranoia set in- and I went into panic mode on how to hide or justify the weight loss. Right now I don't know what to do or how to do it except keep moving forward in the direction im going in.
I had what was supposed to be my last session w/ my therapist yesterday. I told her what I needed and basically she claimed she had already said those things to me, just not verbatim. I made another appointment mostly because i was scared of making an impulse decision to leave at that moment. I don't want to go, because that means i have to see a psychiatrist and get blood work done GUH. Not interested.

Three Things Por Favor

First off.
1. My co-worker confided in me that she had made her self sick before (not knowing I had an ed)
2. I have my last appointment tomorrow
3. my favorite lyrics-music

1. So last night I had a friend from work over and we were talking after dinner and she told me that she had made her self throw up before. Well first-REWIND. She walks into my room sees my scale weighs herself and proceeds to freak out. then tells me how she wants to be bulimic. I pretended to be oblivious and told her "no you don't I heard the behavior is really addictive". I didn't know what to say i felt caught off guard. I am not sure if she just thinks I have an eating disorder and so she said that to feel me out, or if it just so happens she has issues about her body and just happened to talk to me about it. Its weird. And it sure as hell felt weird to have someone freak out to me about their body when they had no idea (or so I think) about what im going through. It was weird. After talking to another friend who has an ED and telling her the same story she said that people can guess when those around them have ED's, and that when you get to look a certain way people can deduce that conclusion. And that I don't see my reality, what I look like and that its distorted. That whole conversation made me feel extremely confused, not knowing whether to be worried about a friend who may be plunging into ED behavior or to be paranoid that people around me are suspecting something. Ahhhh!

2. So, yes I am pretty sure that tomorrow at 2pm in La Jolla will be my last appt w/ my therapist. I'm going to fetch my journal say my peace and leave. My peace will include telling her what I need: to be told im cared for, I'm enough and maybe the hug thing. Of course she may say I can do that, but ummmmmm of course you can when i tell you-but then its less genuine and ehh not what I need. Too Little too late Miss Wilson...
Come to think of it, i doubt my departure will affect her at all. It should. I want it too. But since I am 100% sure it won't and she'll sleep soundly and not think a second more about me-it makes me feel all the more confident with my decision. I'm oddly content w/ where I am right now. I like working, and I would rather be working then paying $20 for someone to tell me im fucked up-Duh, already know this. How about she pays me $20 to tell her about how happy I am. That'd be worth it. Well not perfectly happy, but a lot better. I have friends, work and some money, and the obv-loosing weight. So things are good. Will I go back? Meh- probably if I get fired from my job and fall into an abyss of depression and isolation. But I don't think I'll be getting fired anytime soon.

3. I'm not sure many people know this. But music has always done amazing things for me. It makes me happy, sad, It can even make me cry! It allows me to get in touch w/ a lot of what i am feeling. When I find a beautiful song that I can identify with it sometimes makes my heart skip a beat, almost takes my breath away. This song I've included the lyrics to below touches me, makes me feel alive, makes me feel less alone. Included.

"If I Die Young" By The Band Perry

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I’ve
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there’s a
Boy here in town says he’ll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when your dead how people start listenin’

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

link to music video :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NJqUN9TClM

not my job not my life MY THERAPIST makes me stressed

SOOO STRESSED. Not sure wha tto do mostly because I want to quit therapy and do my ED. I called my therapist today and cancelled my next session but when she called me back and told me she had my oh so sacred journal I decided to come one more time. My therapist unfortunately wont abide by my ed, and I and let me see her and do it. I know my eating disorder was in complete control when I called her on my way to work, but really there wasn't another voice in the back of my head worrying about not seeing her again. Yeah don't want to get my blood work done or see a psychiatrist I dont have time. literally. working 6 days a week and luvvvvin it. Things are good in my life: Im loosing weight AND doing well at my job. To me those are the most important. I dont know if its my ED talking, but I don't want to get better... I mean if I could take out the purging and starving and still loose weight i'd do it. Its not the behaviors I feel drawn to, its the results--- the bones, the flexibility, and more carefree attitude about my body. I don't want to look healthy. thats boring. Some people know they look gross when theyre skinny- I oddly (dont know why i do) like it. I'm fascinated by it. To me it looks comfortable, manageable. Speak of the devil there's a girl who just walked by who clearly hasnt eaten in months. She looks restrained and clean-minimalist I love it. Looking at her for just those few seconds managed to make me feel guilty for eating the one chip i popped into my mouth. Ahh the life w/ Ed-- so psychotically predictable. At least w/him i know whats next, there's predictability-patterns-expected results. I have no interest in the world of random chaos and impulse. I'd rather die than live in that world.
I just met for drinks w/ my friend julie and tmold her about the whole therapist shebang. AND she reminded me that I have to tell her what I need. This is what I need: I want her sit close to me every session and to tell me i'm good, i'm enough, and that she cares about me. That's it. I don't need the whole hour- just for her to sit there with me and let me know that everything will be okay. That im okay, and that I always will be. Maybe a hug every once in awhile... Is that a lot to ask?

Which is the real me?

Lately Ive been noticing that the person I am when im at home versus at works/with friends is completely diabolically different. At work im this bubbly energetic positive polite outgoing person who appears to love life, then when i get home im quiet humble, shy, and paranoid. It's so weird. At work I dont have an eating disorder, as in no one knows, everyone sees me as normal I have a clean slate, and from what I understand everyone thinks i'm a good person that im reliable and just good. As soon as i leave i feel like im back to the rude, inconsiderate, lazy, unreliable, un-everything that is good. I wish I could spread it out to my whole life, but that seems impossible. But its good that its that way because I look forward to work, I like it- because its like I got another chance to show the world what im like there. No one knows my past and i enamor in that fact.

ALSO, this is completely bad, but I don't think i want to do therapy anymore. I don't think my therapist knows how strong my eating disorder is. And the fact that she doesn't--worries me. Additionally going there isn't doing anything, I mean I have gone downhill since I've seen her. (all my doing) But still im just not motivated and I just need someone to motivate me someone to really work with me to find what this is doing for me, because the reasons we have found aren't hitting me the way I feel they should. I just feel blah-unphased, thus I don't think they are the only issues---if "being care for, remembered, etc..." is one. I don't even know where to go from here, I don't feel cared for when i go to therapy (I did at the beginning) but now I feel like a project that has to be completed checked off, and I don't want that. I don't think im going next Tuesday.

Therapy Day :(

i just had what might be the most annoying frustrating therapy session. Everything she was saying I was so uninterested in, and unmotivated by. I told her that my behaviors weren't getting better, and if anything worse and she says "thats not good". Well of course I know that. She followed it up with telling me I needed to find my motivation, and that she knows a part of me wants to get better or else I wouldn't be going to therapy. I know all this, I just wanted to shake her and say "I'm stuck in this ed, i dont know how to get out, I cant make myself want to go out, and despite the fact that a part of me wants to get better there is this immensely strong counterpart that steals the show". She kept on saying "i dont know what its gonna take for you" and I don't either. I'm frustrated I feel like i'm a lost cause, and no one can help me. Yes the obvious I have to help myself, but right now i'm not in a place where I can. I'm on autopilot on the only course I know. I need more. Something isn't clicking, and im not a stupid person, if i could only grab on to what makes me feel so insufficient. Is it possible that some people are meant to live certain lives, show the mistakes not to make? perhaps that is me, and recovery and a normal life isn't meant for me. Perhaps life is too easy being normal I feel like I have to throw in an eating disorder to see if I am really competent. I feel like there is this huge mountain in between me and recovery and honestly i don't think I have the energy to make it to the other side. Just leave me here and let me be an example of the power of an e.d. so no one ever makes the mistake of delving down this one way road to hell.

"I'm not alright"

I used to have dreams
I used to have goals.
But now i find myself trapped in a black hole.

What am I lacking?
What am i looking for?
I pray to God soon that I open the right door.

Door to my life, Door to me.
Door to the way I'm meant to be.

Right now isn't life I'm sure.
I don't know how much more I can endure.

I try to be skinny with all my might-
because maybe then people will see that
--- I'm not alright.

Pointless thoughts

One thing that truly sucks about having an ED is that minutes or even hours can go by where I think about food, or what to eat etc... Like this morning on the way to work I spent the entire 20minutes plus some when at work deciding what I should have to drink. First, in fear that one drink would make me hungry, the other bloated, and the other had calories. The dilemmas- in retrospect so silly but in the moment to entirely important.
I ended up picking a latte, drinking half of it and feeling guilty for the entire work day. Like that one drink would put me over the edge.
Sometimes at work customers will look at me, more than just a glance, and of course my first thought is: "oh they must think im fat, or ugly" "whats wrong w/ me?", followed by "Oh i definitly shouldn't keep down my lunch" or "i definitly cant eat for the rest of the day". But it never ceases to amaze me how un-alone I am in this. I bet 75% of the women that come in and justify their purchase to me- whether its only $1 or $5
"oh I just worked out this is my treat"
"omg this is so heavy i feel like such a fatty"
"Oh hunny this is so good, but your thin I bet you can eat all you want wait till your my age"
"No kids only two toppings this stuff isn't good for you, thats way too much your being gross" <---- (those kids are going to get ed's)
Sometimes working at a yogurt shop makes me think 'oh these people are normal and they eat this' and then I get customers who speak out every eating disorder though possible to me. UGH

Got paid two days ago. First thing I go do. Buy a scale. When I was 14-15-16 I never thought the day would come when I would give away my money to buy a scale versus buying clothes. Albeit clothes come in a strong 2nd place on my list. And of course the scale makes me more neurotic, more intended on loosing weight, and less happy... Great choice me!

Therapy Day (Tuesday)

I feel hurt, scared of being bad
want to be hugged
want things to be okay
-want to die.
Don't know what I look like
can't do anything good
Feel Stuck
Feel Doomed
Feel incapable
Feel insatiable
Feel bad
Feel hopeless
Feel vulnerable
Feel like an outcast
Feel frustrated
Feel like i am on an endless road
Feel barely alive
Feel insufficient
Feel a waste
Feel anxious about life
Feel paranoid
Feel sick

July 6th 2010

I just want to get away from it all
But please the numbers on the scale still have to fall
I want it I don't
These rooms smell stale
urging me to get up and bail
bail from my chains bail from control
Bail me out of this place that is just a lull.

Never good enough, not sick yet
but i bet if you let me loose 5 more pounds ill be set.
I know, I know... its never enough.Not enough-
love, money, pounds, or bones.

I want it all, I want it now
till then ill sit on this ship and dream of sinking below its bow.
Because then the pain will be gone
And I wont have to sit awake while my muscles ache-
--watching a new day dawn.

To Be Cared For...

This was an assignment from my therapist. Because I feel cared about, but not for. To me they are two widely different things.

In my life there have been those handful of people that make me feel good-feel enough. And ironically they are the ones who told me I was special-really talented or gifted. I suppose my parents say that from time to time but they're required to. Those "others" aren't--its real. So I guess to me being cared for is to be remembered. Not someone you casually think about but someone who crosses your mind everyday. To be cared for also means to outwardly worry when sick and get excited when doing well. I guess I just want to be special--to someone. Right now i don't feel that way. I feel 'run of the mill'-average-forgettable. my eating disorder allows me to be abnormal, gives me a reason to be thought of-remembered, but I shouldn't have to be sick to get that.
I know what being cared for feels like-because I know i don't feel it now. Its something that makes me feel safe0 I feel completely unsagfe right now. Its makes me feel loved- I feel unlovaeble. It makes me feel worthy- I feel worthless. i want someone to worry about me- I odnt feel like they do outwardly. I want to be okay and enough. I dont feel either of those. I want to be a good person, I want to be missed and longed for. Noen of that I feel. I feel forgettable, mundane, incapable of nothing spectacular. I know i strayed from the topic at hand. I guess being cared for is just one of many needs. I neeed to feel special, loved, worried about, looked up tp, good enough, cared for, and wanted. It sucks. It makes me feel like i have a shallow existence--worth nothing-Important to no one-forgettable-blah-unattractive.
I think that at least if im skinny-enough people will worry about me, realize they should care for me because i may not be around forever. If everyone else hates me despises me at least at the end of the day Ill be able to feel my bones and think well at least im not fat: i can feel my bones .. everything will be okay.
If i'm worried about, i feel like that gives me value. right now npo one worries-outwardly. Thus i feel void of any value. I just want someone to hug me and take care of me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

Smoking (wrote while in treatment 2010)

Calm Collected...
But feeling rejected

This feeling comes quick
Its the coping skill i've picked.

It works well-
Makes me feel like im under a spell.

Why can't I use something good.
I know deep w/in myself that I should.

The question that swirls around in my head is:
Why can't I choose something more positive instead?

Will I ever go to the side of the good?
To me it feels as impossible as passing through would

What is my potential?
Knowing it seems essential.

The cigarette smoke stills runs high through my throat
So I'm still trapped in an oreless boat.

Poem from post-treatment 4/28/10

I am an addict
I no long have control
I am no longer good
--even though I think i should.

I'm that person no one wants to be
I'm that person that is always asked to flee
.... I cannot just be.
I can't be my true self
I cant look in the mirror w/o disgust
No one looks at me w/ faith and trust.

My point in being here seems to be fading
Feels like im walking through the mud wading
Trying to get to the other side
trying to abide
---by my true soul an inner self

1st entry

I have been an avid journal'er ever since I started treatment for my eating disorder. This will be a place for family and friends to see what my life is like daily: my thoughts, feelings experiences, and a place for my creative side to assist in extracting some of my emotions. Thanks to everyone