so this short moment of energy/motivation/un-nauseated self will not last long so I have to write now and quick. I am feeling extremely sad. Im sure of it. While im not crying or sporting a long sad face I feel it. In my stomach its empty, i just feel like there's something wrong. Anyways there's a lot to address. I've been reading on how a lot of my friends are going to school doing this or that and i am indescribably jealous, if they can do it--- why can't I?! Why am I not doing it! I feel such discontent for my life when I realize so many people-ding dongs included are pursuing all the things I thought I had to do. aka law school grad school, running. There's nothing I am doing right now that I originally thought I would be doing/planned to do--- NOTHING. If I saw my life right now 5 yrs ago i would freak the FUCK out and say hellllls-to-the-no. "only losers end up like that"................... I am so mad at myself that I am not running, I wish I could do it, i see people all the time running and I get so down on myself-its like a reiteration of my failures. I had so much going for me and I fucked it up. Today while I was waiting for people to leave the bathroom I' googled' death and bulimia together to see what would come up-utter curiosity. Bringing up mostly stuff I knew, but after reading it my only thought was "why can't it come for me faster''. I am so done, so tired, so sad, so not wanting to live this life im in. There is nothing I have the stops me, and makes me want to live. Knowing the latter is entirely depressing and saddening and makes me want to be gone even more.
Once again I called my therapist and canceled next weeks appointment because I dont think going there is helping me, i'm beyond that. I have no willpower to do this at an outpatient level. I am wasting her time and mine.
My brain fails to think much past 15minutes continuously and the nausea is setting in I think this means im done--- few short barely sentences before i close
-i wanna be good
-i want to be taken care of
-I feel alone
-I'm tired of my life, I don't like it
- my therapist.... God I don't even know what to say about her
- :(
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