Major thought--> The ED for me is a way of giving up control to a disease because I realize how powerful I am the the potential I have by myself. There is so much I can do and I am responsible for all of it- that scares me. So by handing control to ED I'm no longer the driver responsible for arriving at certain destinations or god forbid crashes. I'm on autopilot.-- I have someone to blame And all those dreams and goals I would've otherwise pursued--I will never ever have to feel the pain of failure If I dont reach those goals. I know that pain and I remember the pressure along the way; I want none of that. Perhaps thats why i take a detour w/ ED. Double edged sword--> I'm not happy either way.
- I feel manic
-out of control
-sad
-alone
-unloved by those who I want to love (SECRET)
-like a failure
-subpar
.......Surprise Surprise
Today ive decided Im not going to eat all day at work. I know that will feel better than eating then panicking and going out of my mind inside until I purge
---------I HOPE--I think... :(
btw. I <3 Writing
I want to write a book-or poerty & coach xc thats it !! :) :)
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