I know it's been awhile

so this short moment of energy/motivation/un-nauseated self will not last long so I have to write now and quick. I am feeling extremely sad. Im sure of it. While im not crying or sporting a long sad face I feel it. In my stomach its empty, i just feel like there's something wrong. Anyways there's a lot to address. I've been reading on how a lot of my friends are going to school doing this or that and i am indescribably jealous, if they can do it--- why can't I?! Why am I not doing it! I feel such discontent for my life when I realize so many people-ding dongs included are pursuing all the things I thought I had to do. aka law school grad school, running. There's nothing I am doing right now that I originally thought I would be doing/planned to do--- NOTHING. If I saw my life right now 5 yrs ago i would freak the FUCK out and say hellllls-to-the-no. "only losers end up like that"................... I am so mad at myself that I am not running, I wish I could do it, i see people all the time running and I get so down on myself-its like a reiteration of my failures. I had so much going for me and I fucked it up. Today while I was waiting for people to leave the bathroom I' googled' death and bulimia together to see what would come up-utter curiosity. Bringing up mostly stuff I knew, but after reading it my only thought was "why can't it come for me faster''. I am so done, so tired, so sad, so not wanting to live this life im in. There is nothing I have the stops me, and makes me want to live. Knowing the latter is entirely depressing and saddening and makes me want to be gone even more.

Once again I called my therapist and canceled next weeks appointment because I dont think going there is helping me, i'm beyond that. I have no willpower to do this at an outpatient level. I am wasting her time and mine.

My brain fails to think much past 15minutes continuously and the nausea is setting in I think this means im done--- few short barely sentences before i close
-i wanna be good
-i want to be taken care of
-I feel alone
-I'm tired of my life, I don't like it
- my therapist.... God I don't even know what to say about her
- :(

Major thought--> The ED for me is a way of giving up control to a disease because I realize how powerful I am the the potential I have by myself. There is so much I can do and I am responsible for all of it- that scares me. So by handing control to ED I'm no longer the driver responsible for arriving at certain destinations or god forbid crashes. I'm on autopilot.-- I have someone to blame And all those dreams and goals I would've otherwise pursued--I will never ever have to feel the pain of failure If I dont reach those goals. I know that pain and I remember the pressure along the way; I want none of that. Perhaps thats why i take a detour w/ ED. Double edged sword--> I'm not happy either way.
- I feel manic
-out of control
-sad
-alone
-unloved by those who I want to love (SECRET)
-like a failure
-subpar
.......Surprise Surprise

Today ive decided Im not going to eat all day at work. I know that will feel better than eating then panicking and going out of my mind inside until I purge
---------I HOPE--I think... :(
btw. I <3 Writing
I want to write a book-or poerty & coach xc thats it !! :) :)

Desensitizing !!!!!

Mid purge today I thought- "oh my gosh, im still doing this, if I keep doing it, its gonna kill me-why don't I care"
..........btw I do my best thinking w/ my head over the toilet-its the best distraction.
I kinda am in disbelief that I still have an ED, its not like it goes away for days, but honestly I forget that I am doing it each day and that its abnormal. Its become such a norm. Probably- well 100% likely I think I have desensitized myself to my daily rituals of ED. Which is good in a way because if a "normal" person were doing this everyday, thinking what i am thinking they'd probably hate life.

Im talking to my soulmate Nicole on facebook right now and she said that its good Im sharing all that I am on this blog. It feels good to hear that. She also said what I am sharing is revealing-really so. I also had no idea. This is my life its pretty fuckin raw, and I can't stop pretending its not. I have also desensitized myself to talking about my issues as well. Which can be good and bad. Because I don't realize they're bad---all the time

nothing important

So I said my first affirmation today. I said " I will find someone who is good for me and loves me and who i don't have to chase". Granted, yes it wasn't towards body image or whatever but it was something for me. Lately I have been on the roam for guys, mostly for attention to feel like im worth something. Also, in the past 7 years I have always had a guy in my life who I am serious about-- so it is weird to not have that reassurance from a guy that I am good-beautiful etc... Ugh that sounds so vain.
I have another appt w/ my therapist tomorrow. I am pretty apathetic about it. I still havent made any psychiatrist appointments. GR dont wanna do it. I am not sure why I am going, I dont know hwo to get better or how to want to it still sounds so far fetched for me to even attempt.
Today was a bad day. 5-FIVE-times. Mostly because it was my day off. These days reassure me of my toils my awful life that I ironically don't know how to detach myself from. It's definitly a love hate relationship. But when I wake up and my whole body is aching beyond belief I smile, knowing Im getting closer to something, something I don't know what- the end of a race that really has no ending for me. Fuck this sucks. fml

I Have a Soul

I have a soul...
I'm sure of it. I know this because everyday I see it. I know its a good soul too.
Everyday, multiple times a day it shows it's face, reminds me that there's something good left in me. Something angelic, something pure, something young and free. I see it during those wretched multiple occurrences a day when tears rush out of my eyes; not from emotion but because of ED. Each time they fall down my face its as if my soul is yelling out "stop doing this it hurts- I hurt". Then I walk out of the bathroom, look in the mirror w/ the tears streaming down my face I know they are real because my black eyeliner streaks down my face in lining their tracks. I believe its the inner "good" me crying out in pain, in exhaustion-not wanting one more day of this madness. I cease to listen. I merely take comfort in my soul's presence each and every day, solemnly knowing there is some part of me deep down that is good, that wants recovery that has emotions that hurts-that loves--that wants life.

So i just met w/ one of my friends and usually we have good times and she ends up talking about herself and how her life is either really bad or good all the time. But I can deal w/ that because shes a good girl and I enjoy being w/ people. But today when we were talking she took the initiative to tell me that Im so damn lucky to have insurance and to be able to see my therapist. And in essence insinuated that im a bad person because i 'dont want it' aka I don't want to get better. I don't know how to want it. And 1. When she was seeing her therapist like 3 weeks ago she didn't want to gain weight and she was still using behaviors without improvement. I'm just annoyed that she thought she was all high and mighty telling me I was so lucky and so bad for not taking advantage of it. UGH. made me feel like shit. My appointment is tomorrow. I will definitly blog about it tomorrow.