Green/Yellow/Red Flags 2/15/12

Body Image

Green: Thoughts about body image are fleeting and may come up and do not linger or effect my day or behavior.

Yellow: Trying on numerous outfits, hiding under large clothing. Letting thought ruminate about my body. Feeling a significant dislike for the way I look. Pondering or choosing safe foods or eating slightly less that I am supposed to.

Red: Constantly looking at my body thinking about it negatively. Comparing myself to others, weighing myself. Letting bad body image run my day and dictate what I do/don't eat or purge.

Food

Green: incorporating variety into my diet, being spontaneous with my food choices, not having any foods I avoid out of fear. Having flexibility on what I eat and when.

Yellow: Not being honest about my meal plan or what exactly I've missed if anything. Not being conscious about times I need to eat/pushing back eating. Sticking to safe foods. Looking at calories when choosing what I eat. Buying low-calorie or non-fat foods.

Red: Missing parts of meal or entire meals and snacks on a continuous basis. Not being honest about the part of my meal plan I've missed and or why. Not admitting to myself and or treatment team and other that my R/B/P is a sign of lapse or struggle. Not eating atleast every 3 hours.

Honesty

Green: vocal about my emotions and feeling them. Talking about my behviors or struggles I have. Confronting people with any issues or feeling I have about any interactions or events.

Yellow: Lying by ommission whether its in my eating, how I'm feeling or any behaviors that may have occurred.

Red: Lying to myself and other in relation to where I'm at and what I am struggling with. Holding my emotions in and saying that I am okay when I am not.

Work

Green: Being honest with myself and my ability to work. Being conscious of not overworking myself or not working because I am afraid of life.

Yellow: Ignoring my internal cues that I may be working too much. Feeling guilty a large percent of the time for not working while pursuing my recovery. Or ignoring work pursuits/preparation altogether.

Red: Not wanting to working because I want to use or use my ED or plunging myself into work too soon because guilt and shame feels overwhelming and too much in my mind.

School

Green: being proactive about my schools plans without future tripping or getting overwhelmed about potential hurdles. Pursuing what I am passionate about versus what I feel I need to do.

Yellow: Putting pressure on myself more often to go back to school. Thinking I am a bad person for not wanting or waiting to go back to school.

Red: Same as with work/ Taking on too much before I am ready. Going against advice from therapists/family/friends.

Relationships

Green: staying in contact with family and friends. Being vocal and honest with where I am at or feeling. Being upfront on what I can give to a relationship. Showing effort to make friends and not isolate. Putting up healthy boundaries without feeling guilt or shame.

Yellow: Making small efforts to find friends and/or maintain relationships. Flaking frequently (for no reason) on plans I have set with people. Not being vocal about my needs or feelings in relationships. Failing to talk to my parents for numerous days in a row. Shutting down frequently with Phil. Not being honest or in contact utilizing support network.

Red: Not communicating my needs, feelings and emotions for the majority of the time. Expecting those people I have relationships with to read my mind. Not getting out at all-isolating at home. Assuming I won't find any meaningful and caring relationships. Lying about my recovery to those I have relationships with.

2/5/12 Quotes I identified with from "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"

"Its a shame that we have to live, but its a tragedy that we only get to live one life"

Oskar's Mom: Shyness is when you turn your head away from something you want. Shame is when you turn your head away from something you do not want.

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

"How many hundreds of thousands of fingers brushing against each other does it take to make love?"

Thomas (dad): Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

Oskar:I can't remember which.

T- Do you know what those words mean?

O: Not really

T: An optimist is positive and hopeful. A pessimist is negative and cynical.

O: I'm an optimist.

T: Well, thats good, because theres no irrefutable evidence. There's nothing that could convince someone who doesn't want to be convinced. But there is an abundance of clues that would give the wanting believer something to hold on to.

This next quote gave me a flashback to my boyfriends overdose.

Oskar's Grandmother: "When your grandfather left me 40 years ago, I erased all of his writing. I washed the words from the mirrors and floors. I painted over the walls. I cleaned the shower curtains. I even refinished the floors. It took me as long as I had known him to get rid of all his words. Like turning an hour glass over."

This made me think what would I have done if he died? What would I have done? Reacted and how would I have dealt with it all?

Portlandia

2/5/12

I am feeling so much anxiety right now. Immediatly I think its surrounding dinner because I know throughout the day my friend (another client) hasn't eaten her whole meal plan and now going to dinner it makes me so uncomfortable to know an ED is going to be there right with me at the table. I dont think its going to affect my recovery. It is like sitting around one of my old ghosts and that scares me. My ED is gone and someone elses feel like it lingering over me. As I write my heart is beating fast, my throat and my chest are tight. I just wish I could run away from their ED too. It probably doesn;t help that I'm extremely fatigued from today and staying up far too late last night. I don't know if I should feel this way or if I am overreacting. I always question my feelings; doesnt feel to good. Right now, I also have an unread email from Jen on my phone. I am scared to read it. More so than usual because of the other day seeing her. I am scared because I don;t know what she wrote. Was it in response to what I said in my last email? Did she notice my change in behavior when she saw me? If she didn't, why not? Haley noticed and she's my friend. Jen's my old therapist. The harsh side of me would think that therapists should notice that easier. My unhealthy part of my braon tells me that if she didn't notice then that means she or any other therapist/person doesn't care either. I think that someone who cares about me should have noticed my behavior. My thinking is so warped.

Seeing old therapist

2/4/12

Preface: I hesitated on putting this entry in and I feel since I include a lot of other details there is no reason I shouldnt include this.

Seeing Jen was so unexpected. Once I heard someone in the kitchen announce "oh my god is that Jen? Jen!"- my heart sank, I pannicked. I have no idea what else I was feeling other than anxiety, fear, sadness and excitement. Initially the fear is what overpowered me. Right away, all of the sadness over having to leave her returned. Others around me were excited. I- I didnt know how I should have been feeling, my mind told me I should have been happy. I instantly darted back to the other room in the kitchen. I didn't need anything there but I had to escape to collect my thoughts, feelings, and to decide how I was going to act. I returned to the kitchen where everyone was- I felt awkward. I knew I was being standoff'ish. I didnt want to show joy over seeing her, i guess I wanted her to think I didn't care that she was there. Upon reflection, I definitley shut dpown and went back to my old patterns of being afraid and ashamed of my emotions. I pulled and pushed away the one person I really wanted to feel the exact opposite for. I guess I haven't changed my old ways of shutting out people I care about. I know I did the right thing once with her: I told her how much I cared for heer and how much I'd miss her and how important she was to me. Then, when I had the chance to do what I had learned- I crumbled. Maybe it was too soon to see her, or maybe I hadn't mourned the loss of her properly. Maybe, as I said I just thought I was more over it than I thought because I kept her out of sight-out of mind. I wonder more whether I'm supposed to, or if I have to ever forget her completely. Whatever the case I know I see I have more work to do surrounding her loss... Not just because I need to deal with this one situation, so that in the future when I loose someone again I can deal with it in a healthier way. I shouldn't always assume I'll never see the people I loose again because I never know what the future will bring. Perhaps dealing with the loss in such a way that helps me mourn the loss and at the same time be prepared or know how to deal with them if I see them again. Knowing how to handle the situation if I do see them again- knowing how to handle this type of situation in the future is imperative for my state of mind. I say this because last night I hurt so much- I was crushed. All the feeling come rushing back-the feelings surrounding my departure from her. That day- the feelings all rushed back stronger and stronger, almost as if It was happening all over. I know I'll never want to feel a double loss on the same person, no matter who it is.

Is that unrealistic to not want to get hurt by the same person twice? As i write this I am immediatly reminded of the fact that my last therapist: holly- I felt hurt aka I had to loose her twice. I am not sure if that is why this hurts so much. If nothing less, I don't think that the fact that I've been hurt by Holly and my Ex Shane, and now Jen twice.

My natural tendency in the past few years is to find someone (friend/bf/therapist) that is least likely to hurt me. That's probably not aiding in my attachment issues, its probably a loop hole I've found to lower teh chances of getting hurt. I know getting hurt and loosing smeone is inevitable and I still thinking I am trying to manipulate the amount of loss I experience.

So what do I need to do now? How do I face my feelings? Do I work on mourning? DDo I feel the feelings of sadness and fear? Was my reaction normal? It didn't (seeing Jen) effect my recovery or make me want to do anything negative/unhealthy to myself, it just made me feel horrible. I know deep down those feelings are normal, and I am sure I could have acted differently I know I wanted to act differently. I wanted to embrace the fact that she was there, to be happy and be able to show it. I couldn't. I was unable to do the one thing I wanted to deep down-in my heart. That probably- scratch that: definitly attributed to the sadness. The sadness did not just result from seeing her and feeling all those feeling of attachment; care, admiration and connection, it resulted also from seeing my inability to control the way I wanted to feel. Not in the negative way of pushing down the emotions , in the fact that I was unable to show my true emotion surrounding my real feelings. Immediatly I feel scared, I feel less succesful or capable. I thought I was getting better in touch with my emotions. I thought that I had handled the loss of her rather well. Not great. To know I still, or that there are situations that may arise where I can't or fail to show what I am feeling on the insude scares me. Instantly, I wonder if I have a false sense in how I am doing recovery wise. Oh god, I can see myself punishing myself for the failure in this one incidence. It's just one time. Yes, I have some work to do, and just because I slipped up in this one area doesn't mean I have a false sense of success. Dealing with loss, is one of my biggest issues I need to work on.

I've decided that it was totally okay to feel the way I did last night. Yes, it hurt to my core, and now I have so much more information to see where I need to put in some extra work.

::::throat tightened, chest felt crushed and tightened, felt nauseous, felt sadness and fear.

Thank you jen, for teaching me something more, making me aware of what I still need to work on. You did it unconsciously. You taught me so much without even knowing you did, you didn't have to say a word. So thank you for coming last night and most of all for helping me to reign in the ability to come to these conclusions on my own. No sessions, no words- by myself. :)

Healthy Lifestyle Project 2/3/12

Take flight or loose sight

things used to be black or white.

White was right black was bad,

thinking that way took away everything I had.

Life now exists in all colors of the rainbow.

There's blues, violets, yellows-from what I know.

I no longer feel like a lover scorned.

In a way I feel entirely reborn.

New to this life-no daily strife.

Smells, sights lights are new

cropping up like the morning dew.

I'm looking- eyes wide open to my future ahead.

I no longer see the world and want to be dead.

I made, I laid, I paved my path ahead.

You won't find me hovering over the cliff's ledge.

Instead, Instead I look out on my life-

kick away the dagger, throw away the knife.

My grip of fear is no longer that tight.

I'm now entranced; I dance with my inner light-

try-try-try as I might

the ony way to live my life is to:

close my eyes, take a big sigh

... I'll fly

The day of the horrible no-good very bad day (envisioning a day I have a lapse)

2/3/12

:::Imagining::: what I may feel on a day I lapse

Today I feel overwhelmed by things I feel I should be better at, whether its guilt about not working, overwhelmed with the process of enrolling in school. I am feeling alon whether its physical or emotional. And then the urge comes and I am too beaten down by my emotions that I give in and avoid eating or I binge/purge or purge after eating. With purging, as soon as the act is over I feel I've cheated, I question my strength, dedication and overrall capability to recover. I can see it taking over and leading me to believe my recovery is all over. The act of purging or b/p is so shameful that even if I weren't in recovery its hard to admit to others. Unfortunately, sometimes I have the ability to convince myself nothing ever happened. I know if I am not honest with myself and other the guilt will build up inside, perhaps making that much harder to do the next right thing. So, if I do slip-up I can maintain my recovery by being honest, telling myself and other what I did. I even said myself after my pass home that I would have seen more success in my pass If I had struggled then did the next best thing rather than doing everything perfectly. I felt this because overcoming something and having the strength and honest to get back on track takes far more strenth then doing the same right thing all the time.

Further, I would like to say that perhaps the closest line of perfection would lie in absolute imperfection. Having a struggle; something that challenges you and overcoming it. The stregth it takes to that is admirable and shows an astounding amount of dedication. The failure in my recovery happens when I fail to be honest with myself when I am afraid of the shame. I have a lot to work on in the Shame Department. I am the only one in this situation that is creating the shame around the lapse, thus I have the power to take it away. Recovery is about learning emotions, learning myself and more,learning the ability to conquer struggles while maintaining honest. The biggest lessons learned will be rooted in my moments of struggle not success.

Update: 2/22/12 I love re-reading and writing these journal entries at a later time. the time in which I am re-writing this one is valuable because right now I am struggling and looking at this, seeing and hearing my healthy voice, knowing I can be there... It gives me amazing motivation and inspiration, all from within myself :) i love you healthy micaela !

Why Celebrate My Successesi

2/1/12

My healthy self knows that it is imperative that I learn, practice celebrating and postively acknowledge the hard work I have done. Interestingly that is what I am seeking in accomplishing things, that feeling of knowing i've done a good job in something. I have denied myself of this for so long. I believe that the fact that I never let myself feel proud for things I have done has in turn directly influenced the creation of a never ending & unattainable goals. I have the tendency of reaching a goal and then not celebrating it. I do this because I unconsciously believe that I still need to get better and that my goal is never enough. I realize that I need to celebrate my accomplishments to have goals that are attainable, that I can see or verbalize. All in an effort to prevent my goals from being unattainable.

To help with this I should:

1. (weekly or so) write down goals, NOT "to-do lists", of things I was to acheive that week and then if I succeed-journal about it and share in group to practice celebration.

2. It is also important for me to recognize that by celebrating my achievement it may make me feel good about myself. It's already a widespread fact that I am beyond insecure. Perhaps, taking the time to allow myself to feel pride about my accomplishments will without a doubt make me feel better about myself- versus having ever increasing goals and standards for myself. I know I will always want to try to find a way I can do something better. That line of thinking often makes me feel like a failure; which of course adversely effects my self-esteem.

A. I can work towards feel better by following step 1 and in my sharing with a group or therapist (or aloud to myself) postively affirm my goals and how it makes me feel as a person when i do complete them.

B. Also, talking to my innerself and thanking myself: mind & body for achieving the goals I set out to complete (in the same way I would with a friend).

I lastly want to work on celebrating my successes because:

• I believe that if I take the time to enjoy and revel in my accomplishments then perhaps I won't be dwelling on my fears of relapse as much. Right now the fear of a "lapse" is potentially at a point where I am anticipating a mess-up so much. a) because I dont believe I'm good enough or smart enough to have a perfect recovery b) People rarely have perfect-no, perfect recovery doesn't exist. c) This was so hard the last time in treatment, I cannot be so naive as to believe that it will be smooth sailing from here on out.
• I believe that by celebrating my progress (or even acknowledging it) I am in a sense diverting my attention to the positive aspects of recovery and not just sitting around waiting for the horrible part to come. Further, by focusing more on what I'm accomplishing, I believe a lot of the power and fear surrounding a lapse will decrease. The best way to carry this out is by:

1. Being cognizant of when I am getting fearful of failing. Then, when I'm realizing I am being to anticipatory about potential downfalls in my recovery; pull out my journal and either look at my most recent accomplishments and say them aloud, call my parents to talk to them about what I have done or write out an affirmation of my accomplishment and put it on my wall as a reminder of what i've achieved.

I am aware that when I'm down, or feeling not good enough because I dont think I'm accomplishing anything. Or even, if I feel crippled by a potential impending lapse I will have some visual proof of all I have done and way to reiterate how well I am doing. Therefore, allowing myself to feel good instead of beating myself up is one of the keys to my recovery.