#3/5 free assignment from Jen

sometime in early December 2011

I am not feeling challenged at all. I really did need to come to residential to break my cycle of restrict/binge/purge and obviously to gain weight. I know I am not done but I already feel 100% better and more motivated about my recovery than I ever have before. The former is why I made teh decision to put in my 2 weeks notice on December 9th. I just feel that a month in residential is a solid amount of time to which I can be stabilized and used to not using behaviors. My gut feeling is that the long I stay in residential robotically eating and staying out of behaviors will only lead me to boredom thus trouble and perhaps yearning for freedom so I can use my ED. I also want to get in the habit of going to AA or NA so I can get used to going to meetings (it seems so hard to convince them that I need to go). That will allow me to work on my other issue of addiction which is just as much of a problem as my ED. I guess this feeling comes mostly from frutrtion. I dont believe as long as things go well that that means I won't relapse. For me to maintain my motivation I need to be constantly challenged. My attention tends to go by the wayside when I am bored or under-challenged and I dont feel like my treatment or learning are tailored uniquely to me.

Challenges I feel are realistic:

1. Attending 2 meetings a week (AA or NA)

2. Lower "observations" after meals and snacks

3. Meals alone

4. Portioning

There is honestly no bullshit here. I am eager to get better and the drive I have to stay in recovery is like no other I've felt before. I just wanna run with that motivation

**** UPDATE: I decided when I had a family session with my parents about coming home for xmas after giving in my 2 weeks notice I realized that I truly was not ready and that I would have just relapsed if I had gone home. I also found out that my therapist was going to be gone the last couple days I would have had at rainrock which all together helped me make the best decision I did throughout my time at rainrock and decided to stay. Things became so much better after. 2nd best decision in my life next to coming to treatment. 1/28/12 MK

Thoughts abour Death & Legacy

Death: Group writing topic Dec, 2011

When I die I believe I don’t go to heaven. I never contemplated it much. I definitely do not believe I go somewhere concrete or tangible. The idea of “me”, myself, Micaela being gone forever has always given me the chills and urked me to my core since I was a little girl. Honestly, I believe that when I die I am gone forever, not existing anywhere. If I were aware that I was going to die, I would tell myself my soul was finally going to be at peace. The idea that exists in my mind stronglu feels that I would be void of existence or occupation of any place.

Legacy

This is the thing that scares me or perhaps saddens me the most about death and even bothers me as I live. I fear so much, almost to my detriment that no one will remember me past a few generations when I die- that is unless I do something that is extraordinary or written in history books for all too see. Only then do I feel like I have left a legacy. The people whom I believe have a legacy are those who have changed the world for better or for worse. I don't exactly envision that happening for myself. Legacy is regal legacy is rare and sacred for those who lead lives that are so vastly unique and hard to come by. With the path I am on now I am not creating a legacy for myself. I dont feel I have the power to create a legacy. I am passively or have passively been killing myself for the past few years, that doesnt usually result in legacy or rememberance--just a short lived life thats forgotten as fast as it was lived.

Assignment #1/5 My choice topic assignment from Jen

Treatment Motivations:

My motivation to get treatment this time feels so vastly different than any other time I have been in treatment (thank god). Oddly, not so much because of the legal trouble I got in but because I have firmly and securely realized that If I were to keep my eating disorderà I am never going to be happy. Yes, I may be able to be skinny and get the attention I feel I need. Yet, forever will I be drained and depressed, ashamed and will lack the desire to live. I will forever punish myself for the talents wasted and lost.

I desperately want this Ed to go away because I want to be happy, not only because it affects me, because it affects my relationships with those I love. I want to love them and be able to show it, for them to feel it- not only do they deserve it but because they have always stood by me with unwavering support for my recovery… They deserve nothing less.

I also want to get better because once again I want to experience pride in my life: I want to pursue my talent in running, and I want to become a teacher. I want to have the potential to effect someone’s life, and dreams the way some teachers did for me. There is something different this time. That alone excites me.

11/22/11 Rainrock

I want to give up this eating disorder so that I can leave this world knowing ive broken its chain-knowing I am capable of such a feat. But I am still not sure if I want to live. I want to accomplish the death of my ED, but I don’t think that necessarily means that I will have the strength left within me to want to exist thereafter. I love my boyfriend, I love my family- But I doubt my ability to exist in the outsidew world without again being drawn into the depths of my addictions. I know that if I were to do that it would hurt-no, devastate those around me and of course myself. I don’t know any different life besides that of destruction. It feels engrained-written in my bones: robbing me of the chance and ability to change. Its also my love-my black love. That is what is destined to kill me.

Soul 11/21/11

What my soul really wants is to be taken care of. All the little things, people who love me, surrounding me making sure I am safe at night, offering me breakfast in the morning. All of those little things kids get from their parents that for some reason or not I never felt I got enough of as a child.

My soul craves to be remembered, not to be forgotten, cherished not abandoned. Those are all things I seek with having my eating disorder. My soul wants friendship[ and longlasting meaningful connections with people. It doesn't want anything extravagant or outlandish... Just something human.

11/12/11 Relationship with Food and People

The biggest overarching connection I have with my food habits and people is that I want the company, the companionship so much. This coincides with my hunger, my deprivation.nThen I deprive myself og a social life almost completely besides my boyfriend or one close friends. Because in the end it has been hard to trust either 100%.

I dont trust 99% of people and dont trust 99% of food in my body. Thus I get rid of the food and stay awa from the people because I dont trust them. My distrust with people runs deeper becausE I never know what they want or what they are going to do with me or how they will treat me and how it will end. Same goes for the food, there is this illogical belief that some or all food is going to do something detrimentally to me or harm me by causing me to gain weight. In the same way I calssify people in the same way I never know what I am going to get-the lack of control and determination of fact is what I crave. I get neither from people or food. I dont have control in both aspects- So i avoid things that lack my complete control and knowledge of what EXACTLY will happen.

Second day of Summer

ever since i returned to san diego after my sisters wedding ive been really sad-anxious-yet emotionless about everything at the same time. that may or may not be due to the emotional overload before going on the trip-- But now i know im sad, entirely aware of it but i cant seem to cry. it sucks, i want to get it out but i am not sure how.
I want to be happy but with each day that passes and i feel less and less and the possibility that maybe i never will be or are ever meant to be happy seems more certain. it makes me wanna give up.
This morning I went out to smoke a ciggarette and on the bench on our porch was a flyer for some college. Seeing it made me wonder if I might want to go back to school. I grabbed my phone and started searching for online graduate degree programs, but as soon as I started looking thoughts cam streaming into my head at a mile-a-minute saying: "you cant go back to school look what happened when you went to law school, you were too sick to continue", and "why would u apply for a masters in education program your mean and impatient you couldnt possibly do a good job"... I hate those thoughts. the thoughts all come from events that have happened in my life or from things people have said to me. Theyre paralyzing.
Ah! there's the tear, fell down at the stroke of the key starting with P-ending-in-G.
Paralyzed I am.
-- I just want it all to go away and to do things im proud of again to be something other than a deadbeat. Then when the shitty events start to rain down on my life I can sit back and relish and relax in the fact that Im doing something right... I am something 'right', something 'good'..