posty post

to say that the last month has been critical is hardly enough said.

I have abstained from writing because I didnt want to feel. I wasnt feeling. was not going to make time for it.
This past week I had some big downs and I started to write because I thought things would be minimized if I were to write them out-- because my writing allows me to look outside 'panic mode' and view a realistic picture. But due to--- lets call it "Zoey" -- I got distracted or really upset mid way through and walked away. needless to say they never made it up here, and im not surprised a bit.

conclusion or deduction I came to this week

I came to this prob 3-4 weeks ago and it was followed by an intense 2-3 weeks of not feeling :) and maybe 30 min of super feeling when I was forced to. My parents are not able nor are going to give me what I feel I need. To no fault of their own, they will never be or be able to give what I feel I deserve, want and need.
................... gah dagger to the chest. That is exactly what I felt like when i came to this, and really believed it. i can confidently say this statement of belief never came to life until a few weeks ago. This feeling hurt immensely deep because my parents are; in my mind, supposed to be everything I need (non-materialistically speaking) and they aren't. I feel conned, lied to; not by them, but by something that told me this message that parents were caretakers. They weren't, and they can't all be-- but I went throughout life until now thinking that there must be something I did to make them unable in some way shape or form to care for me the way I feel I need and desire. The thoughts that follow are horrendous, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, inadequacy. I feel entirely alone. alone in this massively large chaotic scary violent grit tooth n' nail world.

fuck.

I am not cheating by using Ed or Zoey I am leveling the playing field in life, because I finally get these snippets of what life is like for a good deal of people (normals). I am mad that I am condemned for liking it, and told that I cant do it. That last statement just arose, not completely ironed out yet.

My main core of feelings/my main issues trouble me and upset me even shame me because they are so simple. They seem silly to ask for. I get mad not only because i feel ashamed or stupid to ask but because i feel i shouldnt have to ask. I feel others never asked and were still given what they needed. I guess I didnt win on that lottery.

I am mad. I am angry. I really dont know how to feel that- to express it because to me underneath those feelings is someone who is broken- someone who is beyond hurt but caught off guard and hurt, malicously hurt. thats what i feel.

lets forget about this

stomach ache- but not from food, from anxiety from being unsettled from worrying-gahh with every word I type I can feel my throat tighten and my chest beat harder. I had an unhealthy coping mechanism that made me forget how bad ed was for awhile-b/c i didnt have to use it... Dont ask! And now I am realizing-having a 100th reawakening that living in my body and my head is beyond what words could even hope to describe. I am at a constant agnst. Nothing is ever smooth, normal.

Eh Im done, writing just makes things far more depressing--far more real bah. Reality is for people who dont have a mind of their own to create their own world where everything-is-finally-..... alright

thoughts still running

havent written in awhile. but instead of saying why-- im just going to say I am so happy to have two verbally abusive relationships out of my life
- My landlord--gone moved out content where I live now
-old boss-quit - he gave me a quick attack at the end to make sure he got the last word. But my new employer is amazingly genuine and nice and already said she "feels like my mom". I have every reason to be optimistic and I need to remember that.

My new job is going to be peacefully busy if thats possible. Ill be walking dogs and taking care of them but will be doing that a lot. I hope I hope I can handle it.

I hate my ed. well the bp part. but I still am in love with not eating being empty and feeling small. I am doing everything I can to stay on that side. it makes me feel less out of control and crazy than the former.

Still not wanting treatment...

Have a bf- care about him- scared of the feelings-scared I might drive him away- scared its always going to be this pattern where they come then go.

Scared of the future scared of the uncertain, anything that is not a repetitive routine. I doubt the future I doubt my ability to sanely make it there.

my heart is beating hard- it hurts. it makes me want to cry, but not becuase of any pain but of the realization that i cannot keep on keeping on. I cant sustain this, I have to change. I dont know how. i want to be happy i want to laugh, i want to run I want to have goals that I love. I want to be good. Hurt so much

WARNING: utterly depressing so don't read if you want to have a good day

I have a lot to share. I don't know if a. I will remember to b. I will be able to or c. it may not be conveyed in a coherent manner

Yesterday at work I basically feel like I reached the "exhaustion" point-medically wise. The first two hours I felt fine. I was not given a lunch break that day (which has happened to me before) because the girl I was working w/ is new and she cannot be alone in the store. I had done it before so I was not anticipating any problems. Around noon I started to get nauseous-any sudden movements or movements up and down or exerting any energy literally made me feel like I may just faint. I was honestly preparing myself for it. I hinted to my boss/owner that I felt like I may pass out and that I felt really sick. I am nto sure that he took it seriously because he scoffed and made some comment on how I probably partied the night before. I did not I had 8hrs of sleep. Nevertheless as the shift dragged on I couldn't barely leave to go to the bathroom more than once because it was so busy and I couldnt leave the front un-manned. We got really busy I got really tired. In the back of my mind I told myself I just had to wait till 3 or 4 when the evening shift came in and one of them would be able to give me a 10 minute break, and at this point I just wanted to get off my feet and alleviate the vertigo. The rush calmed down and the store was finally pretty much empty, I was empty and the evening shift had been there for awhile. So, when my boss walked in I asked if I could take a 10, he responded with a "when the place looks perfect you can go". The place wasn't a disaster but by all means it wasnt perfect. However, it did not matter who helped clean it myself and my co-worker or the evening shift and my co-worker. As soon as he said this I felt my heart pound. harder and harder w/ frustration, feelings of helplessness--- I felt trapt. Customers continued to come and it took every ounce of me for like 20 minutes not to burst out balling. I had to think of things as simple as concrete or tables, just things that wouldnt trigger any emotions. Then when i caught myself thinking how unfair i felt I had been treated I could feel all the emotions welll up my body all the way up my throat through my neck, my heart was going crazy. But I just had to swallow hard and continue till my shift was over in about an hour. The rest of the shift I got through without fainting, getting sick or crying but on the inside I was screaming, and crying. I felt that all the little things I do for my bosses, like skipping both breaks coming in early covering for people was all being overlooked, it wasn't valued--- that they were using me. As soon as my shift ended I bolted to my car and drove probably 100 ft when I just started bawling. It felt good and horrible. I had feelings of wanting to go back to NY. And for the rest of the night I felt entirely nauseated-dehyrated-weak and dizzy. I am still suffering from the remenents of it today.
It was beyond horrible. Words cannot describe yesterday. I wanted to curl up in my bed and never wake up, never go back to that place that I felt took so much from me unjustly. Thinking about having to go to work tomorrow nauseates me. I hate the idea. I hate my boss.
1. taking a break is a mandated LAW not a courtesy I was doing leaps for them the least they could do is let me just get off my feet for 10 minutes out of the 8hr shift.
This whole incident made me question wtf am I doing: working here, living here, living--- In a sense it just brought to a deep dark place where I felt nothing even close to good.

I want to write about other things. But I can't bring myself to do it. I guess for some areas of my life there are a few things that I just want to be kept a secret.

I haven't told anyone here, aka that ive met in the past 2-3 months about my ED. Sometimes I long to tell them, yearning to confide in someone for help and support -- to just be there. Then the rest of the time I just want to be normal. I don't want to be thought of as the girl w/ the ed. I just want people to want to be with me based on me not some thing that consumes me (ironic). So many of my friends here have been asking 'oh why did u leave law school' or 'why did you come down to san diego' and I always skirt around the answer or I lie. Again there are some people I want to know about it, but even as much as I may want them to know--- deep down I am entirely petrified of being betrayed by them and judged by them for having this-or word spreading about it.

Ever since I Have stopped seeing my therapist, I havent heard from her. Part of me is mad at her. Or most so I feel uncared for. But I mean I know I told her I was wasting her time and mine, so what rational person would fight for me to keep staying if I had told her otherwise. Maybe she is waiting for me to miss her/therapy and that I will call soon. But I won't. Our last session consisted mainly of her telling me how much i was doing worse; yes I knew this but it definitely did not give me any incentive to keep coming.

I hear from family sometimes that "ahh your life is slowly coming together''. But from my point of view each day it seems more and more unbearable more and more away from what I envisioned it so long ago. To me I am living a disgusting and pointless life. I hate it. I hate me. I hate what I have become. When im w/ friends the part of me that I do like does come out. But to me that doesn't seem to be too overpowering. I know I am so much better than my life right now my actions and behaviors but my mind and brain: two distinct parts of me do not know how to co-exist together anymore, to make decisions collectively. Its always one or the other, thus never me, because only half of me is making the decision. My mind and body are stuck in a pothole and all they know how to do is keep spinning. Digging deeper. Digging me deeper. Sealing tighter that which is my fate.

updates

so after the 10 days straight that I work which by the way I am 3 days from being done with- My boss called me to be on call for the two days im off. awesommmme.

Also, I only used my ED once today. Yes im still using it but to not use it at work is BIG for me. and it was sooo hard. But I was just thinking, it tires me out sooo much and puts me in such a bitchy mood. Not good when im at work where customer service is super imperative.

I went on a date the other night :) I had a really good time, but I was so dead tired the next day. I think I want to see him again.

Still haven't seen my therapist, going on two weeks now. I have no plans to call her.

after my last post i got a lot of response from my family aka mom dad and brother. which was nice to hear them reiterate how they were worried, I just idk-they were fleeting moments of contentment. Work feels, ugh so unsatisfying still, even though I got assistant manager I just am even more dissatisfied, like: "really is this the path im pursuing FML do something important go back to school". I can't take it. This week I am working 1o days straight 9-5-fabulosity. At least that means I won't have too much down time in which to be self-destructive.
I am really tired. Really really tired. Tired from the normal work but also of my Ed. It doesn't make working full time much easier. I decided to not call my therapist again. More so to play games. To see if she cares. Because if she does, she will be worried about me in a couple weeks and call. If not my mind tells me she doesn't care. God im mature.
What the hell am I doing w/myself