WARNING: utterly depressing so don't read if you want to have a good day

I have a lot to share. I don't know if a. I will remember to b. I will be able to or c. it may not be conveyed in a coherent manner

Yesterday at work I basically feel like I reached the "exhaustion" point-medically wise. The first two hours I felt fine. I was not given a lunch break that day (which has happened to me before) because the girl I was working w/ is new and she cannot be alone in the store. I had done it before so I was not anticipating any problems. Around noon I started to get nauseous-any sudden movements or movements up and down or exerting any energy literally made me feel like I may just faint. I was honestly preparing myself for it. I hinted to my boss/owner that I felt like I may pass out and that I felt really sick. I am nto sure that he took it seriously because he scoffed and made some comment on how I probably partied the night before. I did not I had 8hrs of sleep. Nevertheless as the shift dragged on I couldn't barely leave to go to the bathroom more than once because it was so busy and I couldnt leave the front un-manned. We got really busy I got really tired. In the back of my mind I told myself I just had to wait till 3 or 4 when the evening shift came in and one of them would be able to give me a 10 minute break, and at this point I just wanted to get off my feet and alleviate the vertigo. The rush calmed down and the store was finally pretty much empty, I was empty and the evening shift had been there for awhile. So, when my boss walked in I asked if I could take a 10, he responded with a "when the place looks perfect you can go". The place wasn't a disaster but by all means it wasnt perfect. However, it did not matter who helped clean it myself and my co-worker or the evening shift and my co-worker. As soon as he said this I felt my heart pound. harder and harder w/ frustration, feelings of helplessness--- I felt trapt. Customers continued to come and it took every ounce of me for like 20 minutes not to burst out balling. I had to think of things as simple as concrete or tables, just things that wouldnt trigger any emotions. Then when i caught myself thinking how unfair i felt I had been treated I could feel all the emotions welll up my body all the way up my throat through my neck, my heart was going crazy. But I just had to swallow hard and continue till my shift was over in about an hour. The rest of the shift I got through without fainting, getting sick or crying but on the inside I was screaming, and crying. I felt that all the little things I do for my bosses, like skipping both breaks coming in early covering for people was all being overlooked, it wasn't valued--- that they were using me. As soon as my shift ended I bolted to my car and drove probably 100 ft when I just started bawling. It felt good and horrible. I had feelings of wanting to go back to NY. And for the rest of the night I felt entirely nauseated-dehyrated-weak and dizzy. I am still suffering from the remenents of it today.
It was beyond horrible. Words cannot describe yesterday. I wanted to curl up in my bed and never wake up, never go back to that place that I felt took so much from me unjustly. Thinking about having to go to work tomorrow nauseates me. I hate the idea. I hate my boss.
1. taking a break is a mandated LAW not a courtesy I was doing leaps for them the least they could do is let me just get off my feet for 10 minutes out of the 8hr shift.
This whole incident made me question wtf am I doing: working here, living here, living--- In a sense it just brought to a deep dark place where I felt nothing even close to good.

I want to write about other things. But I can't bring myself to do it. I guess for some areas of my life there are a few things that I just want to be kept a secret.

I haven't told anyone here, aka that ive met in the past 2-3 months about my ED. Sometimes I long to tell them, yearning to confide in someone for help and support -- to just be there. Then the rest of the time I just want to be normal. I don't want to be thought of as the girl w/ the ed. I just want people to want to be with me based on me not some thing that consumes me (ironic). So many of my friends here have been asking 'oh why did u leave law school' or 'why did you come down to san diego' and I always skirt around the answer or I lie. Again there are some people I want to know about it, but even as much as I may want them to know--- deep down I am entirely petrified of being betrayed by them and judged by them for having this-or word spreading about it.

Ever since I Have stopped seeing my therapist, I havent heard from her. Part of me is mad at her. Or most so I feel uncared for. But I mean I know I told her I was wasting her time and mine, so what rational person would fight for me to keep staying if I had told her otherwise. Maybe she is waiting for me to miss her/therapy and that I will call soon. But I won't. Our last session consisted mainly of her telling me how much i was doing worse; yes I knew this but it definitely did not give me any incentive to keep coming.

I hear from family sometimes that "ahh your life is slowly coming together''. But from my point of view each day it seems more and more unbearable more and more away from what I envisioned it so long ago. To me I am living a disgusting and pointless life. I hate it. I hate me. I hate what I have become. When im w/ friends the part of me that I do like does come out. But to me that doesn't seem to be too overpowering. I know I am so much better than my life right now my actions and behaviors but my mind and brain: two distinct parts of me do not know how to co-exist together anymore, to make decisions collectively. Its always one or the other, thus never me, because only half of me is making the decision. My mind and body are stuck in a pothole and all they know how to do is keep spinning. Digging deeper. Digging me deeper. Sealing tighter that which is my fate.