11/22/11 Rainrock

I want to give up this eating disorder so that I can leave this world knowing ive broken its chain-knowing I am capable of such a feat. But I am still not sure if I want to live. I want to accomplish the death of my ED, but I don’t think that necessarily means that I will have the strength left within me to want to exist thereafter. I love my boyfriend, I love my family- But I doubt my ability to exist in the outsidew world without again being drawn into the depths of my addictions. I know that if I were to do that it would hurt-no, devastate those around me and of course myself. I don’t know any different life besides that of destruction. It feels engrained-written in my bones: robbing me of the chance and ability to change. Its also my love-my black love. That is what is destined to kill me.

Soul 11/21/11

What my soul really wants is to be taken care of. All the little things, people who love me, surrounding me making sure I am safe at night, offering me breakfast in the morning. All of those little things kids get from their parents that for some reason or not I never felt I got enough of as a child.

My soul craves to be remembered, not to be forgotten, cherished not abandoned. Those are all things I seek with having my eating disorder. My soul wants friendship[ and longlasting meaningful connections with people. It doesn't want anything extravagant or outlandish... Just something human.

11/12/11 Relationship with Food and People

The biggest overarching connection I have with my food habits and people is that I want the company, the companionship so much. This coincides with my hunger, my deprivation.nThen I deprive myself og a social life almost completely besides my boyfriend or one close friends. Because in the end it has been hard to trust either 100%.

I dont trust 99% of people and dont trust 99% of food in my body. Thus I get rid of the food and stay awa from the people because I dont trust them. My distrust with people runs deeper becausE I never know what they want or what they are going to do with me or how they will treat me and how it will end. Same goes for the food, there is this illogical belief that some or all food is going to do something detrimentally to me or harm me by causing me to gain weight. In the same way I calssify people in the same way I never know what I am going to get-the lack of control and determination of fact is what I crave. I get neither from people or food. I dont have control in both aspects- So i avoid things that lack my complete control and knowledge of what EXACTLY will happen.

Second day of Summer

ever since i returned to san diego after my sisters wedding ive been really sad-anxious-yet emotionless about everything at the same time. that may or may not be due to the emotional overload before going on the trip-- But now i know im sad, entirely aware of it but i cant seem to cry. it sucks, i want to get it out but i am not sure how.
I want to be happy but with each day that passes and i feel less and less and the possibility that maybe i never will be or are ever meant to be happy seems more certain. it makes me wanna give up.
This morning I went out to smoke a ciggarette and on the bench on our porch was a flyer for some college. Seeing it made me wonder if I might want to go back to school. I grabbed my phone and started searching for online graduate degree programs, but as soon as I started looking thoughts cam streaming into my head at a mile-a-minute saying: "you cant go back to school look what happened when you went to law school, you were too sick to continue", and "why would u apply for a masters in education program your mean and impatient you couldnt possibly do a good job"... I hate those thoughts. the thoughts all come from events that have happened in my life or from things people have said to me. Theyre paralyzing.
Ah! there's the tear, fell down at the stroke of the key starting with P-ending-in-G.
Paralyzed I am.
-- I just want it all to go away and to do things im proud of again to be something other than a deadbeat. Then when the shitty events start to rain down on my life I can sit back and relish and relax in the fact that Im doing something right... I am something 'right', something 'good'..

i want someone to come and save me literally away from this . please? 1612 valencia ct oceanside, better you dont tell me your coming.

expiration 48hrs from now

End of April End of...?

On the tail end of detoxing all by my lonesome: it was; emotionally and physically the hardest thing ive done.
- in the wake of my parents recent visit and other self inflicted issues I am feeling immense pent up emotion. I feel emotionally weak. Everytime I say anything in regards to feelings and emotions I want to cry. To those around me I'm sure im coming across distant. I am confident that its because I havent been feeling and then all of a sudden being able to feel again is extremely hard.
- One good thing that has had happened was that during this hard time i realized 'oh my god i can call my mom'. of course the water work commenced as soon as the thought ran through my head. But this was such a big deal because for the past 5 months (which have been the hardest) I havent had a 'mommy to make me feel better'. That was nice.

Mean

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know


Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?