Second day of Summer

ever since i returned to san diego after my sisters wedding ive been really sad-anxious-yet emotionless about everything at the same time. that may or may not be due to the emotional overload before going on the trip-- But now i know im sad, entirely aware of it but i cant seem to cry. it sucks, i want to get it out but i am not sure how.
I want to be happy but with each day that passes and i feel less and less and the possibility that maybe i never will be or are ever meant to be happy seems more certain. it makes me wanna give up.
This morning I went out to smoke a ciggarette and on the bench on our porch was a flyer for some college. Seeing it made me wonder if I might want to go back to school. I grabbed my phone and started searching for online graduate degree programs, but as soon as I started looking thoughts cam streaming into my head at a mile-a-minute saying: "you cant go back to school look what happened when you went to law school, you were too sick to continue", and "why would u apply for a masters in education program your mean and impatient you couldnt possibly do a good job"... I hate those thoughts. the thoughts all come from events that have happened in my life or from things people have said to me. Theyre paralyzing.
Ah! there's the tear, fell down at the stroke of the key starting with P-ending-in-G.
Paralyzed I am.
-- I just want it all to go away and to do things im proud of again to be something other than a deadbeat. Then when the shitty events start to rain down on my life I can sit back and relish and relax in the fact that Im doing something right... I am something 'right', something 'good'..

i want someone to come and save me literally away from this . please? 1612 valencia ct oceanside, better you dont tell me your coming.

expiration 48hrs from now

End of April End of...?

On the tail end of detoxing all by my lonesome: it was; emotionally and physically the hardest thing ive done.
- in the wake of my parents recent visit and other self inflicted issues I am feeling immense pent up emotion. I feel emotionally weak. Everytime I say anything in regards to feelings and emotions I want to cry. To those around me I'm sure im coming across distant. I am confident that its because I havent been feeling and then all of a sudden being able to feel again is extremely hard.
- One good thing that has had happened was that during this hard time i realized 'oh my god i can call my mom'. of course the water work commenced as soon as the thought ran through my head. But this was such a big deal because for the past 5 months (which have been the hardest) I havent had a 'mommy to make me feel better'. That was nice.

Mean

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know


Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

short not so sweet and unfortunately the point

missed last 2 therapy appts. gulp. no word on either end.
miserably sober.
immense inadequacy.
happiness attainable nowhere
no easy decisions available
codependently in love.
trapped in limbo

the how-to on how to want to "want to" do something

omg my entire post I just wrote got deleted. My motivation and patience to rewrite it are now running on fumes. fml. basically I wrote that I dont know how to want to want to get better. eh nauseous. fuck-taking 5....
i genuinely and whole heartedly want to get better and be without my ed but I cant get past the part where I have to gain weight. I fear this part because i believe that I will be forgotten, not cared about, and deemed okay because I look okay. I dont know where I learned this but telling me the contrary is pointless. I dont know what it will take for me to change this hard wired belief about others and their view of me. But i want it to change. Anyone know a brain surgeon? rewire my brain for me.
I fear that when i look healthy ill look like everyone else and just blend into the melting pot, get lost, be lost. Be insignificant. For so long thats the way I was treated. Before my ed when iw as younger I was never noticed I never felt special I always felt blah. It was only when i acted out and did well in school or something that I got attention was cared about remembered-noticed. So now I feel like I have to do the same thing. it sucks.i dont fear being forgotten about if i die because then atleast I wont have to walk around existing being aware of how less than i am of those who are always noticed, paid attention to- cared about. if this doesnt make sense to anyone thats to be expected but its how i feel. its what ive learned. its how im wired. i took on another negative coping skill bc i dont know how to help myself and as a result have come to terms that this is how life will be for me. I will always have to do something drastic/amazing/noticeable to feel like people care or will care. i cant seem to get their attention otherwise. And atleast with my ed and drugs life is okay. I dont feel as manic. I feel how I feel "normal" people exist. I get a taste of what life is supposed to be like. its my little lucid dream.

Titles are for posts with no UMPH

Man there is a lot to say...

My days right now: They're robotic. I do everything the same everyday. Horrible, not any better. Loyalties & subservience just lie to a different object. But woah- "its so much better" because Im not high all the time. Only difference to me is, its less real and obvious to those around me that im hurting.
Hell. The only real difference is now I'll die from something legal.

I talked to my sister for the 1st time in awhile when i first was breaking up w/ "Zoey". And she made a comment that came across to me as
"Mom and Dad did everything that good parents should, and my fiancee and I wouldn't be as lax on everything as they are. I turned out fine I get stressed but i don't get an Ed/S.A. problem over it all"
-that hurt, it meant not only just she still not understand, but the way I took it made me feel as if there is something inherently wrong within me. I am weak. Less than... Not sick enough yet-a couple more pounds to go. Felt immensely invalidated.

It is beyond chemically satisfying to live life "as everyone else does". Having the same type of days over and over, everything is predictable. You wake now eat then go to work after and then sleep---annd REPEAT.
Gosh.
Scuse' me if I aint the 1st on that list!

... But yet, on a late car ride home about 3 weeks back, I remember telling my boyfriend--glancing at him with what little hope I mustered up and saying "I can't wait to just have a boring life and watch the news together". In that moment I wanted it, now I don't--im always wanting whats told to me isn't an option or can't be done. Its tiring.
---but from all this I feel I have 1 new problem- my eating disorder alone no longer can achieve the thin that's acceptable to me alone.Unless I get rid of my eating disorder I will not be able to shake this new found addiction.
Logically it is but time until I relapse on "Zoey".

ugliest thing in the world

It might be the most heart-breaking thing to see something from beginning to end. To see it grow change and live beyond all potential you saw for it. But due to fate/life/decisions it starts to change/warp and follows a perplexing also unforeseen potential to destroy the lives it help give life. That I believe is the ugliest thing in the world. That which at first shows itself as good soit can root up inside you like an illness and then strike when it feel it has your control is a monster, one that lives inside of all of us, one that will meet us, one that at one point in time will be in us.

Jar of Hearts

I love music. Always have. Gets to me in this way, on this certain level that allows me to feel- feel alive. Listening awakens my senses to my life-my soul you can see it- i can see it, I know its real because i see and feel my arm littered in goosbumps.
----goosebumps never lie

never grow up

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too
And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/taylor-swift-lyrics/never-grow-up-lyrics.html ]
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Don't you ever grow up

posty post

to say that the last month has been critical is hardly enough said.

I have abstained from writing because I didnt want to feel. I wasnt feeling. was not going to make time for it.
This past week I had some big downs and I started to write because I thought things would be minimized if I were to write them out-- because my writing allows me to look outside 'panic mode' and view a realistic picture. But due to--- lets call it "Zoey" -- I got distracted or really upset mid way through and walked away. needless to say they never made it up here, and im not surprised a bit.

conclusion or deduction I came to this week

I came to this prob 3-4 weeks ago and it was followed by an intense 2-3 weeks of not feeling :) and maybe 30 min of super feeling when I was forced to. My parents are not able nor are going to give me what I feel I need. To no fault of their own, they will never be or be able to give what I feel I deserve, want and need.
................... gah dagger to the chest. That is exactly what I felt like when i came to this, and really believed it. i can confidently say this statement of belief never came to life until a few weeks ago. This feeling hurt immensely deep because my parents are; in my mind, supposed to be everything I need (non-materialistically speaking) and they aren't. I feel conned, lied to; not by them, but by something that told me this message that parents were caretakers. They weren't, and they can't all be-- but I went throughout life until now thinking that there must be something I did to make them unable in some way shape or form to care for me the way I feel I need and desire. The thoughts that follow are horrendous, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, inadequacy. I feel entirely alone. alone in this massively large chaotic scary violent grit tooth n' nail world.

fuck.

I am not cheating by using Ed or Zoey I am leveling the playing field in life, because I finally get these snippets of what life is like for a good deal of people (normals). I am mad that I am condemned for liking it, and told that I cant do it. That last statement just arose, not completely ironed out yet.

My main core of feelings/my main issues trouble me and upset me even shame me because they are so simple. They seem silly to ask for. I get mad not only because i feel ashamed or stupid to ask but because i feel i shouldnt have to ask. I feel others never asked and were still given what they needed. I guess I didnt win on that lottery.

I am mad. I am angry. I really dont know how to feel that- to express it because to me underneath those feelings is someone who is broken- someone who is beyond hurt but caught off guard and hurt, malicously hurt. thats what i feel.