End of April End of...?

On the tail end of detoxing all by my lonesome: it was; emotionally and physically the hardest thing ive done.
- in the wake of my parents recent visit and other self inflicted issues I am feeling immense pent up emotion. I feel emotionally weak. Everytime I say anything in regards to feelings and emotions I want to cry. To those around me I'm sure im coming across distant. I am confident that its because I havent been feeling and then all of a sudden being able to feel again is extremely hard.
- One good thing that has had happened was that during this hard time i realized 'oh my god i can call my mom'. of course the water work commenced as soon as the thought ran through my head. But this was such a big deal because for the past 5 months (which have been the hardest) I havent had a 'mommy to make me feel better'. That was nice.

Mean

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I'm nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I'm wounded
You, pickin' on the weaker man

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don't know what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them
I'll walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I'll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now 'cause you can't lead me down that road
And you don't know what you don't know


Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big old city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

short not so sweet and unfortunately the point

missed last 2 therapy appts. gulp. no word on either end.
miserably sober.
immense inadequacy.
happiness attainable nowhere
no easy decisions available
codependently in love.
trapped in limbo