the how-to on how to want to "want to" do something

omg my entire post I just wrote got deleted. My motivation and patience to rewrite it are now running on fumes. fml. basically I wrote that I dont know how to want to want to get better. eh nauseous. fuck-taking 5....
i genuinely and whole heartedly want to get better and be without my ed but I cant get past the part where I have to gain weight. I fear this part because i believe that I will be forgotten, not cared about, and deemed okay because I look okay. I dont know where I learned this but telling me the contrary is pointless. I dont know what it will take for me to change this hard wired belief about others and their view of me. But i want it to change. Anyone know a brain surgeon? rewire my brain for me.
I fear that when i look healthy ill look like everyone else and just blend into the melting pot, get lost, be lost. Be insignificant. For so long thats the way I was treated. Before my ed when iw as younger I was never noticed I never felt special I always felt blah. It was only when i acted out and did well in school or something that I got attention was cared about remembered-noticed. So now I feel like I have to do the same thing. it sucks.i dont fear being forgotten about if i die because then atleast I wont have to walk around existing being aware of how less than i am of those who are always noticed, paid attention to- cared about. if this doesnt make sense to anyone thats to be expected but its how i feel. its what ive learned. its how im wired. i took on another negative coping skill bc i dont know how to help myself and as a result have come to terms that this is how life will be for me. I will always have to do something drastic/amazing/noticeable to feel like people care or will care. i cant seem to get their attention otherwise. And atleast with my ed and drugs life is okay. I dont feel as manic. I feel how I feel "normal" people exist. I get a taste of what life is supposed to be like. its my little lucid dream.

Titles are for posts with no UMPH

Man there is a lot to say...

My days right now: They're robotic. I do everything the same everyday. Horrible, not any better. Loyalties & subservience just lie to a different object. But woah- "its so much better" because Im not high all the time. Only difference to me is, its less real and obvious to those around me that im hurting.
Hell. The only real difference is now I'll die from something legal.

I talked to my sister for the 1st time in awhile when i first was breaking up w/ "Zoey". And she made a comment that came across to me as
"Mom and Dad did everything that good parents should, and my fiancee and I wouldn't be as lax on everything as they are. I turned out fine I get stressed but i don't get an Ed/S.A. problem over it all"
-that hurt, it meant not only just she still not understand, but the way I took it made me feel as if there is something inherently wrong within me. I am weak. Less than... Not sick enough yet-a couple more pounds to go. Felt immensely invalidated.

It is beyond chemically satisfying to live life "as everyone else does". Having the same type of days over and over, everything is predictable. You wake now eat then go to work after and then sleep---annd REPEAT.
Gosh.
Scuse' me if I aint the 1st on that list!

... But yet, on a late car ride home about 3 weeks back, I remember telling my boyfriend--glancing at him with what little hope I mustered up and saying "I can't wait to just have a boring life and watch the news together". In that moment I wanted it, now I don't--im always wanting whats told to me isn't an option or can't be done. Its tiring.
---but from all this I feel I have 1 new problem- my eating disorder alone no longer can achieve the thin that's acceptable to me alone.Unless I get rid of my eating disorder I will not be able to shake this new found addiction.
Logically it is but time until I relapse on "Zoey".