lets forget about this

stomach ache- but not from food, from anxiety from being unsettled from worrying-gahh with every word I type I can feel my throat tighten and my chest beat harder. I had an unhealthy coping mechanism that made me forget how bad ed was for awhile-b/c i didnt have to use it... Dont ask! And now I am realizing-having a 100th reawakening that living in my body and my head is beyond what words could even hope to describe. I am at a constant agnst. Nothing is ever smooth, normal.

Eh Im done, writing just makes things far more depressing--far more real bah. Reality is for people who dont have a mind of their own to create their own world where everything-is-finally-..... alright

thoughts still running

havent written in awhile. but instead of saying why-- im just going to say I am so happy to have two verbally abusive relationships out of my life
- My landlord--gone moved out content where I live now
-old boss-quit - he gave me a quick attack at the end to make sure he got the last word. But my new employer is amazingly genuine and nice and already said she "feels like my mom". I have every reason to be optimistic and I need to remember that.

My new job is going to be peacefully busy if thats possible. Ill be walking dogs and taking care of them but will be doing that a lot. I hope I hope I can handle it.

I hate my ed. well the bp part. but I still am in love with not eating being empty and feeling small. I am doing everything I can to stay on that side. it makes me feel less out of control and crazy than the former.

Still not wanting treatment...

Have a bf- care about him- scared of the feelings-scared I might drive him away- scared its always going to be this pattern where they come then go.

Scared of the future scared of the uncertain, anything that is not a repetitive routine. I doubt the future I doubt my ability to sanely make it there.