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Monday, March 12, 2012

Green/Yellow/Red Flags 2/15/12

Body Image
Green: Thoughts about body image are fleeting and may come up and do not linger or effect my day or behavior.
Yellow: Trying on numerous outfits, hiding under large clothing. Letting thought ruminate about my body. Feeling a significant dislike for the way I look. Pondering or choosing safe foods or eating slightly less that I am supposed to.
Red: Constantly looking at my body thinking about it negatively. Comparing myself to others, weighing myself. Letting bad body image run my day and dictate what I do/don't eat or purge.
Food
Green: incorporating variety into my diet, being spontaneous with my food choices, not having any foods I avoid out of fear. Having flexibility on what I eat and when.
Yellow: Not being honest about my meal plan or what exactly I've missed if anything. Not being conscious about times I need to eat/pushing back eating. Sticking to safe foods. Looking at calories when choosing what I eat. Buying low-calorie or non-fat foods.
Red: Missing parts of meal or entire meals and snacks on a continuous basis. Not being honest about the part of my meal plan I've missed and or why. Not admitting to myself and or treatment team and other that my R/B/P is a sign of lapse or struggle. Not eating atleast every 3 hours.
Honesty
Green: vocal about my emotions and feeling them. Talking about my behviors or struggles I have. Confronting people with any issues or feeling I have about any interactions or events.
Yellow: Lying by ommission whether its in my eating, how I'm feeling or any behaviors that may have occurred.
Red: Lying to myself and other in relation to where I'm at and what I am struggling with. Holding my emotions in and saying that I am okay when I am not.
Work
Green: Being honest with myself and my ability to work. Being conscious of not overworking myself or not working because I am afraid of life.
Yellow: Ignoring my internal cues that I may be working too much. Feeling guilty a large percent of the time for not working while pursuing my recovery. Or ignoring work pursuits/preparation altogether.
Red: Not wanting to working because I want to use or use my ED or plunging myself into work too soon because guilt and shame feels overwhelming and too much in my mind.
School
Green: being proactive about my schools plans without future tripping or getting overwhelmed about potential hurdles. Pursuing what I am passionate about versus what I feel I need to do.
Yellow: Putting pressure on myself more often to go back to school. Thinking I am a bad person for not wanting or waiting to go back to school.
Red: Same as with work/ Taking on too much before I am ready. Going against advice from therapists/family/friends.
Relationships
Green: staying in contact with family and friends. Being vocal and honest with where I am at or feeling. Being upfront on what I can give to a relationship. Showing effort to make friends and not isolate. Putting up healthy boundaries without feeling guilt or shame.
Yellow: Making small efforts to find friends and/or maintain relationships. Flaking frequently (for no reason) on plans I have set with people. Not being vocal about my needs or feelings in relationships. Failing to talk to my parents for numerous days in a row. Shutting down frequently with Phil. Not being honest or in contact utilizing support network.
Red: Not communicating my needs, feelings and emotions for the majority of the time. Expecting those people I have relationships with to read my mind. Not getting out at all-isolating at home. Assuming I won't find any meaningful and caring relationships. Lying about my recovery to those I have relationships with.

2/5/12 Quotes I identified with from "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"

"Its a shame that we have to live, but its a tragedy that we only get to live one life"

Oskar's Mom: Shyness is when you turn your head away from something you want. Shame is when you turn your head away from something you do not want.

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

"How many hundreds of thousands of fingers brushing against each other does it take to make love?"

Thomas (dad): Are you an optimist or a pessimist?
Oskar:I can't remember which.
T- Do you know what those words mean?
O: Not really
T: An optimist is positive and hopeful. A pessimist is negative and cynical.
O: I'm an optimist.
T: Well, thats good, because theres no irrefutable evidence. There's nothing that could convince someone who doesn't want to be convinced. But there is an abundance of clues that would give the wanting believer something to hold on to.

This next quote gave me a flashback to my boyfriends overdose.
Oskar's Grandmother: "When your grandfather left me 40 years ago, I erased all of his writing. I washed the words from the mirrors and floors. I painted over the walls. I cleaned the shower curtains. I even refinished the floors. It took me as long as I had known him to get rid of all his words. Like turning an hour glass over."
This made me think what would I have done if he died? What would I have done? Reacted and how would I have dealt with it all?