ugliest thing in the world

It might be the most heart-breaking thing to see something from beginning to end. To see it grow change and live beyond all potential you saw for it. But due to fate/life/decisions it starts to change/warp and follows a perplexing also unforeseen potential to destroy the lives it help give life. That I believe is the ugliest thing in the world. That which at first shows itself as good soit can root up inside you like an illness and then strike when it feel it has your control is a monster, one that lives inside of all of us, one that will meet us, one that at one point in time will be in us.

Jar of Hearts

I love music. Always have. Gets to me in this way, on this certain level that allows me to feel- feel alive. Listening awakens my senses to my life-my soul you can see it- i can see it, I know its real because i see and feel my arm littered in goosbumps.
----goosebumps never lie

never grow up

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too
And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/taylor-swift-lyrics/never-grow-up-lyrics.html ]
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Don't you ever grow up

posty post

to say that the last month has been critical is hardly enough said.

I have abstained from writing because I didnt want to feel. I wasnt feeling. was not going to make time for it.
This past week I had some big downs and I started to write because I thought things would be minimized if I were to write them out-- because my writing allows me to look outside 'panic mode' and view a realistic picture. But due to--- lets call it "Zoey" -- I got distracted or really upset mid way through and walked away. needless to say they never made it up here, and im not surprised a bit.

conclusion or deduction I came to this week

I came to this prob 3-4 weeks ago and it was followed by an intense 2-3 weeks of not feeling :) and maybe 30 min of super feeling when I was forced to. My parents are not able nor are going to give me what I feel I need. To no fault of their own, they will never be or be able to give what I feel I deserve, want and need.
................... gah dagger to the chest. That is exactly what I felt like when i came to this, and really believed it. i can confidently say this statement of belief never came to life until a few weeks ago. This feeling hurt immensely deep because my parents are; in my mind, supposed to be everything I need (non-materialistically speaking) and they aren't. I feel conned, lied to; not by them, but by something that told me this message that parents were caretakers. They weren't, and they can't all be-- but I went throughout life until now thinking that there must be something I did to make them unable in some way shape or form to care for me the way I feel I need and desire. The thoughts that follow are horrendous, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, inadequacy. I feel entirely alone. alone in this massively large chaotic scary violent grit tooth n' nail world.

fuck.

I am not cheating by using Ed or Zoey I am leveling the playing field in life, because I finally get these snippets of what life is like for a good deal of people (normals). I am mad that I am condemned for liking it, and told that I cant do it. That last statement just arose, not completely ironed out yet.

My main core of feelings/my main issues trouble me and upset me even shame me because they are so simple. They seem silly to ask for. I get mad not only because i feel ashamed or stupid to ask but because i feel i shouldnt have to ask. I feel others never asked and were still given what they needed. I guess I didnt win on that lottery.

I am mad. I am angry. I really dont know how to feel that- to express it because to me underneath those feelings is someone who is broken- someone who is beyond hurt but caught off guard and hurt, malicously hurt. thats what i feel.